Soft Shock
by CileSuns92
Summary: I thought about the end Season 2/beginning Season 3 and it feels like a Soft Shock to me. Meredith's PoV, with mental rambling and different developments from the original. COMPLETE
1. In Your Room, In My Room

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine, I kindly borrowed Shonda's amazing imagination.**

**Soft Shock: Well, first of all is another Yeah Yeah Yeahs' song (and the acoustic version gives me chills every single time), then it's also kind of what happens between Season 2 and 3, with the prom and the whole "I love you" at the kitchen table thing. I used some of Shonda's&co. lines, maybe I'll use some scenes as well, editing a little. First attempt at a "long" fiction, if it sucks just let me know.**

**Meredith's perspective on this "soft shock". Italics is her brain at work, or better, what I would think in her shoes, so don't mind rambling and incoherency. Embrace it ;)**

**I hope you would like it and maybe give your opinion...**

**PS: I almost forgot to thank double_scotch_single_malt for convincing me to post my stuff and supporting me the whole time. Thank you!**

**Ch. 1- In Your Room, In My Room**

Shadows were dancing on the bare ceiling in my dim lighted room. I was sitting in the middle of my bed, my legs bent tightly to my body, my toes curled and my hands folded under the back of my knees. I rested my face in the empty V between them, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I have been avoiding Derek from three whole weeks as much as I could and still, I couldn't get over that damn prom night. Every time I stopped, each single second came back to surface.

I sobbed silently, my home strangely quiet. George was at the hospital with Cristina, Alex came over and picked up Izzie, who reluctantly joined him for a walk. He had been so caring with her after Denny and he was the only one who could get and soothe her moods. A shiver shook my whole body and I remembered I was wearing only grey yoga pants and an indigo t-shirt. Derek's t-shirt. His smell wasn't lingering there anymore, it had been too much time since he had wore it. I cried harder, catching my breath. I became that stupid girl who wears smelly clothes and cries in the dark of her room to get over a boy. And still finds it the stupidest thing ever. That t-shirt smelled so fucking like us.

We had been happy together, before the Wicked Witch showed up. She took him and Doc and Doc is dead. For real, just like Denny.

I wasn't dead, yet.

I was numb. I shut everything out, even myself. I couldn't go back in that exam room every single time I closed my eyes and feel his piercing blue eyes staring frustrated into mine. His defeated voice, his warm hands around my body, touching, exploring well known places. And I still couldn't find my panties! _Seriously,_ _what the hell __that__ meant?_ _Hateful McDreamy and his tricky questions!_ _You were fastening your damn pants after sex, for God's sake, it means I'm officially a dirty mistress, brainless man!_ _A mistress who can't stop crying like a baby._

We were going out to dinner the night she showed up and, in a split second, the new title was hanging over my head. Looking back, our exam room rendezvous feels so wrong, but in that exact moment, when his eyes were twinkling and his arms were wrapped around me, I felt loved. Safe. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, panties-less and with my hand tangled in his hair. It was our last time together and it felt anything but wrong. Or a conclusion, for what matters. I finally felt complete, whole for a few moments, before pieces started to crumble away. I was falling apart from the inside out. I built walls around me to hold on tight to, not just to lock the whole world out. I needed something to grab to not fall apart. I needed a beginning, not a conclusion.

My legs were stained with tears. Before Derek, I wouldn't have cried, even for someone like Finn. I wouldn't have cared. I wasn't sobbing desperately because I broke up with him, the so-called great guy, interrupting that stupid game of pretend, it was always Derek.

_Derek. Derek. Derek. Derek. _His name was pounding in my head like a mantra.

God, I hate you!

No, I don't. I can't. I won't.

I'm just gonna get away from him and forget that night. _If I could only do that..._

It was buried deep in my mind, popping out vividly every time I closed my eyes and I couldn't fight it anymore. I was tired of struggling with that memory, forcing it out of my brain. I just leaned into the thought then, floating in those moments of bliss when I was finally me again. I wanted to hold him in my arms, stop the damn time and let myself go. _Let it –him- fucking go!_

I wanted to see him, but I couldn't. Talk to him, yell, I don't know. Maybe just being considered. Being the first pick. I begged him, admitting how much I loved him, bringing up radios and cheesecakes and he chose Addison anyway. _You are not playing fair, McAss_. _You show up in my kitchen and you say you love me. How on earth could I believe you?_ But I believed. And I loved the moment. I almost dropped whatever I had in my hands. And I chose, just like you asked: I kept avoiding. That's what I've always done, avoid problems. Here's the flaw: I can't avoid you anymore. You are everywhere, I just can't.

I'm avoiding to avoid.

"Meredith"

_Oh, that's just perfect_. _Are you happy to know I'm a lame ass girl who cries in the dark?_

"Meredith" his soft voice repeated. Why was Derek here? I wanted to turn around, face him and tell him to go back home, but I was stuck between jumping in his arms and cry or just keep my little pride left and hide my face. I looked out of the window as he repeated my name one more time. It was windy outside, dancing shadows casting on my walls.

"Are you ok?"

"Fine" I mumbled. I wanted to laugh: do I look like I'm ok? Brainless. _How can a brain surgeon be so brainless?_

"You don't look fine"

_Well, maybe there was something in his head after all..._

"What can I do to make it better?"

_Just go away, please. Go home. _

My mouth was sealed, my eyes still staring blankly the beginning of the storm. I felt the bed shift under his weight and his warm body flushed close. Too close.

"I'm sorry" he whispered and I felt his warm breath blow on my neck.

"I know" I could only babble.

"You are avoiding me"

I well mastered the art of silence in that conversation.

"It's been a month, Meredith. I told you I love you and you avoid me since"

"I told you I love you and you chose Addison"

_Ouch, that hurt. I shouldn't have said it_. I heard him catch his breath.

"I'm sorry" his voice was unsteady. I've never felt him like that, not even when he told me about Mark.

"I'm sorry too"

"No, you are right. I'm an ass"

_Good, he's aware of that._

"Do you want me to go?"

"No" I answered without even thinking. _Hold your tongue, Meredith! _

"How did you get in?" I asked, after a few moments of quiet

"It was open"

"Great. Just great. Mi casa es tu casa!" he chuckled and my heart skipped a beat. He has always been able to do that since that night at Joe's and his cocky smiles. God, I wanted to look at him so badly...

"I locked it for you. Keys were on the table in the kitchen"

"Thank you"

"There was a note from Alex..."

"I've read it before" I tried not to cut him off too coldly. I didn't wanted to.

"How's Izzie?"

"Still not herself, but Alex manages to take her out sometimes"

"What about you?"

"What about me..." I repeated. _I didn't even recognized myself, what I was supposed to say to him?_

"I almost signed the divorce papers" he interrupted my silence

"Almost?"

"They need to send them again, the others were expired. They'll be here in a couple of weeks"

"Ok"

He was _almost_ free.

"Ok"

"I broke up with Finn"

I could feel the smile behind my back, but I didn't expected his fingers tangling my hair. I closed my eyes, shivering. _God, his hands are magic_. He pulled away too soon.

"I'm sorry, he was a nice guy"

"Yeah" I wasn't convincing. Finn could be the great guy, but he wasn't the right one. That role was solely Derek's.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"We are not friends"

"I know, we could be. If you want to" I could sense his hopeful smile, even without looking at him.

"We can't be friends. Too much water has flowed under the bridge or whatever"

"We could try"

I would have done anything to keep him on my bed forever.

"We could" I sighed. I was letting my guard down. Not good, with Derek around.

"What should I do, as your friend?"

"Lunch. I haven't had breakfast and I'm kind of hungry. We can order something"

"No I'll cook. I'm your friend"

I finally turned around and I saw my new friend smiling widely. I wanted to lean to him and kiss his full lips senseless, until we couldn't stop and we ended up making love, again. I shivered in anticipation. _He's still married. He is your friend_. His eyes were twinkling in the morning light that peeked from the blinds. As his fingers wiped away some of my old tears, softly caressing my cheeks and burning up the skin under his touch, I felt another tear pop out of my eyes. I couldn't blink and break the stare. His thumb stopped on my flesh and I sighed, unable to pull away, just like him. I could smell aftershave and hospital. Work-Derek was still operative. My cheeks were on fire from his simple touch and my body was humming me to just screw my moral and kiss him. His smile faded as he felt my tears on his fingers. Hot, wet tears.

"Stop crying, please"

"I can't"

I have never cried this much. Tears had never been easy for me. Tears meant weakness and I couldn't look weak in the Grey household. Suddenly, I was wrapped in his arms and my face was buried in his chest.

_Never let me go, please. Never._

"I don't usually cry. I don't even know why am I crying exactly" I managed to mumble between one sob and the other, my voice muffled.

"Cry then. I'll hold you"

I sighed in his chest, the smell of him invading my breath, his soothing hands rubbing my back gently. I was like a little toddler cradled in his arms, and I really felt that small. I don't know how long we hugged in silence, the rain pouring outside merciless. Million thoughts were swirling in my mind, but I finally felt at peace. His arms were the safest place in the world. I stopped crying, but I clang tightly to him. I didn't wanted this moment to end. He tenderly kissed the crown of my head and I closed my eyes, nuzzling up more against his chest. I felt his smile as my stomach growled loudly.

"Let's get you something to eat" he mumbled. I smiled, caressing his back one last time before letting go of him and titling up my head. I realized I curled onto his lap and he was practically cradling me in his arms. It felt so ridiculous that I blushed. He helped me up the bed and it was hard to let go of his hand too. They were perfectly fitting together. We climbed downstairs quietly, silence not bothering us. We had so much to tell to each other and so few good words.

"I'm sorry about the breakdown"

"You can always call when you need me" I bite my lower lip. _You should never leave, then._ _Stupid, corny thoughts._

"I don't know why I need to cry so badly"

"It's me, I'm sorry. I showed up in your home and pressured you. I told you I wouldn't but I was actually pressuring. I should have known better and wait a little more,"

"I'm glad you came by that night. I'm glad you're here"

I cut him off and our conversation quieted again.

A mouth-watering smell was coming from the stoves.

"What are you cooking?"

"Some pasta with a secret sauce and chicken"

"It smells so good!"

"It's not even halfway cooked, Meredith" he chuckled and I smiled. Damn, I craved anything Italian in that single moment. Just like I was craving strawberry ice cream last night, before bed. All this crying was messing up my metabolism. In the meantime, I set up the table for two, still wondering why on earth I was doing this. It felt so right.

"You're staying over for lunch, right?"

"Of course, I'm off today"

He clearly knew I had my day off today.

"Did you planned all this?" my tone flat as I spoke, trying not to laugh in his face

"What, cooking?"

"No, having the day off with me"

"You're off too?" he smirked

"Whatever" I grinned too, slightly shaking my head

He shut me off putting the steamy pasta in front of me and, in that split second, I didn't know if I loved more him or his cooking skills.

"Mmm, that's so good" I moaned after the first bite and he laughed

"My Mom's sauce is better"

"I can't think of something better"

"Oh, you'll taste it someday." W_hat does this mean?_ "I have some jars in the trailer, I'll bring them over next time" I sighed in relief and he smirked. He knew what was my first thought when he mentioned his Mom.

"Can I have some more?" I asked with a smile. He laughed

"How long haven't you been eating?"

"I wasn't hungry last night. Well, I wanted ice-cream, but there wasn't any, so I just went to bed"

"I see" he teased, shovelling some chicken in his mouth

"You really don't have anything to do, don't you?"

"I wanted to go fishing, but seeing the weather I think you'll be stuck with me a little while more" he smirked. _Thank you, rainy Seattle_.

"Did you had plans?" he asked, an hopeful, curious face gazing mine

"Not really, just meeting Cristina at Joe's tonight, after her shift"

"What do you want to do, then?"

I was afraid to ask it. I was enough emotional already, I didn't needed more tears, but I did asked.

"Can I just come and see Doc's grave? You buried him on your land, right?"

"Yeah, I did. On the clearing, overlooking the water, just like you asked"

"Thank you" unshed tears welled up in my eyes again. _Why in the hell was I so damn emotional?_

"We can take a walk, if you're up to"

"Good ol' times"

"Just like that" he smiled widely.

When our lunch was way over finished and I helped him clean up, I put some warmer clothes on and we took the ferry to his land in the wilderness. The air was crisp and smelled like pine, earth and water. Smelled like Derek. He was so close, finally. Silence between us wasn't unpleasant, simply strange. We had so much to say. We just basked in the salty air, enjoying the fresh smell of nature and rain. He stood next to me the whole ride, our bodies close enough to send shocks of energy between the tiny space among us. It was good just his proximity. Him was all I needed and I couldn't admit it -even to myself- and let down my seasoned guard. He held a tiny smile on his lips, just enough to twist up the corners, during the whole ride to his home.

That place was so beautiful it seemed almost unreal. So far from everyone and everything. I knew why Derek bought it as soon as I fully knew his story. _How could Addison hate it here?_ I saw the clearing and the water, some gauzy mist rising from it. The smell of rain was filling my lungs. Rain and pine and water and earth. _Derek_. I spotted Doc's grave and my emotional side overwhelmed me again and I fought hard my tears. I was softening.

"Hey, you ok?" he steadied my uneven steps putting his hand at the small of my back. I shivered, leaning into his touch.

"Yeah, I'm fine" It was meaningless after all those times I said it.

"Do you like the place?"

"Oh, I love it. Thank you for this Derek"

"You're welcome" his voice caught, emotions overwhelming him too.

"He was a good dog"

"Yeah he was"

He ran his hand up and down my spine, comforting. Maybe he needed some physical touch too, to dissolve this moment of sadness. Touching, skin to skin, had always been my favorite part of our relationship. The moment afterwards, when the world stops and his hands keep on roaming on my skin. That's why Derek was different from every other man. From the beginning, he had been different.

"I missed you, Derek" I blurted out. His hands stopped. My shoulder was barely touching his, our hips almost bumping. _Close, we were finally close._

"I love you, Meredith" he replied, his voice full of secreted emotions

"I know" I turned slightly to face him and his shimmering blue eyes. Tears and feelings. I was getting lost into all that blue depth when he inched closer. His soft breath tickled my nose, before his lips meet mine. Just for a second, lightly, then he pulled away. He looked up and parted his lips to apologize, but I was quicker and I shut him with a kiss. My hands tangled his dark curls, loving the touch under my fingers, our mouths dancing the oldest lovers' mating dance.

The world stopped and I was there with him. There wasn't a better place.

His hands cupped my face, then slid down my neck to rest on my hips, where he held me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and our chests connected in a hug. I needed to feel him there, breathe him in, feel his warmth radiating through the fabric of my clothes, see the sparkles in his eyes. He was there, with me. I looked at him shocked and he smiled back, as I pulled away a little, just to kiss him again and again and again. With all I had. Hands in hands, lips on lips. We were tying back that rope long ago slashed.

_Derek._

My body hummed for more. I would never get enough of him. _More Derek, I'd say_.

"Meredith" he whispered, at a loss of words

"Derek" he was the only thing my brain was focused on. "Derek" I echoed my own words

"Meredith"

He pulled away a lock of my hair, then softly brushed his lips to mine again. He tasted almost salty, earthly. He was there, kissing me. _God this feels good!_

"I'll never apologize enough"

"It's ok, Derek"

"I've hurt you so much, I'm so sorry"

"I know. I've hurt you too"

"I deserved it, you didn't. I promised myself I would have talked to you about Addison, but that night, when we were going out to dinner...I just wanted to make it right, do the right thing" he trailed off

"I know you were too honorable to walk away without even trying. You're still you"

"I am still me" he turned up the corner of his mouth in a smile

"You are so beautiful" he whispered and cradled me to his chest, wrapping his steady arms around my shoulders and cupping my head with his hand, his fingers brushing softly my hair. He saved lives with those hands and maybe, for a split second, I could think he had saved mine as well. We basked in the hug, a soft breeze twirling around our bodies and wrapping us closer. It was getting darker by the moment, the air becoming a little chillier at every new shiver.

"We should get back" he suggested

"Or we could stay for a while"

"Yeah, we could. I'll give you a ride tomorrow morning"

He smiled, genuinely. Then it hit me.

"We can't. You're still married, I can't...We can't..."

He shut me with a deep kiss and I was breathless when he pulled away.

"We won't do anything that you don't want to, Meredith. Everything's up to you."

_I want to rip off your clothes right here, brainless man, can't you see?_

"I think we should wait. I mean, it's not that I don't want to, I really do, it's just wrong and I think..." his kisses were the most effective way to keep me from rambling.

"I get it. You are right, you got a perspective. We'll take it slow. Very slow" his deep seductive voice sent my self-control running in the woods. I hummed with anticipation.

"Slow" I echoed, moaning in his mouth after his last, breathtaking kiss.

_Derek, finally._

**_A.N.: Chapter 2 on schedule._**

**_Merry Christmas, readers!_**

**_PS: Do divorce papers expire? Whatever... The first of many incoherent informations._**


	2. Lips Speak Louder

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything about Grey's Anatomy.**

**The second chapter is short, I know, just tying up some pieces already. I didn't saw a lot of excitement over the first chapter, so just tell me if I have to keep going or I can just stop it here. I know I had been exploring a well know territory, because everybody wrote about that damn prom, just let me know if it's boring, maybe I can try to fix it...**

**Thanks for stopping by and reading, it means so much to me. Reviews are welcomed!**

**Chapter 2 – Lips Speak Louder**

He closed the door of his trailer without breaking the kiss, his hands sneaking immediately under my clothes, to immediately stop roaming when I pulled away. I was so close to undress him right there that I don't know what sane part of my brain told me not to. _God, he looked so good_. I kissed him again, craving our warmth, even if I was already on fire. His fingers trailed softly up and down my back, his gaze deep in mine. I was a goner already, lost in his blue. Our cheeks flushed, our bodies close, mixing the heat. His hands grazed my belly, climbing up to my breast, as I latched my arms around his neck. _We have to stop._ I sneaked under his shirt too, feeling his muscular back. _Derek._ We were crossing a big line.

"Stop" I whispered, almost breathless "I'm sorry, Derek. We should stop"

_Married. Married. Married._

"Sorry" he managed to say, pulling away, a guilty face stuck on him.

"I'm sorry too"

I watched him walk to the bed and sit, burying his head in his hands and sighing.

"Derek..."

He was frustrated, I could tell, but not in his usual, angry way. He felt responsible somehow. He sighed, slamming his hand on the covers,

"Damn it! It's always me. Why are you still sticking around? Go find someone better!" he rose his voice.

"Derek"

"I'm not a good man. You need to be with someone that makes you happy"

"You make me happy"

"I'm trouble and sadness"

"I disagree"

"Meredith" his voice almost pleaded me

"I want everything, Derek. Even if we have to wait"

"It's my fault we have to wait"

"It's nobody's fault"

"Why can't you hate me?"

"Because I love you"

_Oh crap I said it. Crap. Crap. Crap. I said the three words again_.

His eyes widened, sparkles of joy mixing with shimmers of sadness. His figure became blurred around the edges, his stare intense. The space between us seemed endless, silence heavy over us. My head wanted to make love to him so badly I had to keep a distance; he was stunned instead.

"I think it's better if I go home tonight" I suggested. It would have been hard to maintain distance when he would have wrapped his arms around me all night. "I have to see Cristina tonight and she'll get suspicious if I don't show up"

He nodded, his lips finally drawing a small smile.

"I love you, Derek" I repeated, feeling a sense of joy warming up. I could say it. I was able to utter the most cherished words by every lover. I wasn't dead on the inside after all. I really did softened. I took the two steps between us and I chastely placed my lips on his, savoring his flavour for the rest of the night.

"Meredith..."

"See you tomorrow"

I left him speechless, staring at the door, his eyes wide and his breaths deep. I felt almost sorry for him. _Weeks, just two weeks_.

As I drove back to the city, the sunset's light was colouring the sky. Every shade between red and yellow were covered, passing by purple as well. I've never witnessed something like that. This place was really a piece of heaven on earth. It was dark when I reached Joe's and all my worries welled up on me again, waiting for Cristina.

_What if he didn't signed the papers? What if the expired thing was just an excuse? What was going to be? Commitment, marriage, kids? I was really not ready for all of it. Yeah, commitment, but the rest...I was going to live on his land, place all my stuff in his trailer, meet his family... _

"Hey stranger!" I nearly jumped on my stool when I heard Cristina's voice.

"Hey" I responded sheepishly

"What the hell happened?" She just needed a glance to know that something did in fact happened.

"Nothing. How was your day? How's Burke?"

"He'll be back in the OR in no time, said Shepherd. I think he'll be in the OR more than I had been in the last few weeks. That LVAD thing is destroying our careers Mer" I barely paid attention to what she was saying then, catching glimpses, words.

"What's wrong with you?". She wasn't pleased by my lack of attention, she was Cristina after all.

"Oh, nothing. Have you ordered?"

"Yeah. It's not nothing. You don't have a "nothing" face. What did he do?"

_One point for Cristina._

"It's not about Derek,"

"It's always about Derek. I ordered tequila for you seeing your face from the door"

Joe followed suit her words and placed two glasses of tequila in front of us. I rolled it between my fingers, as she drank hers up. I wasn't in the mood for drinking, the smell of tequila almost nauseating.

"You can drink what I pay, it's not poisonous." she teased

"I know, just not feeling like drinking,"

"You're always feeling like drinking. Damn, this is serious..."

"I said I love you" I blurted it out after a few seconds of her piercing glare. Cristina grabbed the shot from my hands and drank it up as well, then stared at me wide-eyed.

"You had sex with him again?"

"No, I left. I was at the trailer today and I said I love you"

"Crap"

"I love you Cristina!"

"What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know"

I lowered my head on my folded arms on the counter, my stomach torching again for the strong smell of alcohol and peanuts.

"He's married" she stated

"He'll sign the papers in two weeks"

"What if he doesn't?" I glared at her wide-eyed, anger boiling up in my veins.

"I can't believe you!" I yelled, grabbing my jacket and hurrying out like a tornado.

I almost slammed the door behind me, pacing outside for a while, before walking home. I needed to cool off and nothing was better than a walk in the chilly night. I was breathing heavily, all those questions buzzing incoherently in my head, the nauseating feeling still torching my stomach. My steps were rushed and in no time I was home. Everything was quiet in, too early for everybody to be home, even Izzie.

I climbed up in my bedroom and, for the second night in a row, I cried myself to sleep, my thoughts twisting my stomach more than the harsh smell of alcohol at Joe's.

_Bad friend, you yelled at Cristina with no apparent reason_. _What the hell is going on with you, Meredith?_

**Ok, I hoped you liked it, chapter 3 will follow soonish. **

**Review! =D**


	3. Silver Lining And Golden Seams

**Disclaimer: I wish Grey's Anatomy was mine.**

**Ok, chapter 3. It's long, I know. The title is from the song Sea Lion Woman by Feist, which has one of the best beats ever. It's also funny that it was a nursery rhyme before being a song.**

**The second chapter was a little more popular than the first, that's what pushed me to keep updating, so review and comment, even in private.**

**No anticipations, just enjoy it. **

**Chapter 3 – Silver Lining and Golden Seams **

The first thing I needed to do in the morning was throw up. No hangover and still, I was throwing up in the bathroom. _So cliché_. I always found myself lowered on the toilet the morning after something had happened with Derek, even without drinking. I blamed it on the flu bug, too much time spent in the clinic. I had a short shift, luckily, because I had to stay with Izzie and make her do something, anything, possibly not baking.

I went out of the bathroom looking paler than usual and I found Derek standing at the edge of my bed, a worried look on his face.

"Hey, you ok?" his voice soft, whispered

"Kind of. I think I caught something in the clinic"

"You feel to work?"

"I'm gonna be fine"

I almost didn't finished my sentence before another round of nausea forced me back on the toilet where I finally emptied the rest of my stomach. He followed me in and sat behind me, holding up my hair without flinching. He handed me a towel then, cradling me to his arms, where I leaned limply into his touch. He tenderly stroked my forehead, as the nausea faded slowly. I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment. Derek helped me up, his hand on my lower back, steadying my steps. I was a little light headed too.

"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly, trying to not accuse him. _He's here, holding you. He's here._

"Apologizing, about last night."

"I wanted to cross that line too, believe me"

"I'm still sorry. Are we still friends?"

"Yeah."

My phone rang on the nightstand and Derek hurried up to pick it up before I was even able to walk steadily. My mother's home was calling: not good.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Grey?"

"Yeah, it's me. Is something wrong with my mother?"

"When she woke up this morning, she was lucid. She's asking for you,"

"Lucid?"

"You'd better take the whole day off..."

"Thanks for calling"

"See you later, dr. Grey"

I sighed heavily, my nausea welling up again, for a whole different reason. _My Mom is lucid!_

I stood quietly for a second, processing what I had to do, noticing Derek's piercing stare.

"Meredith..."

"It's about my mother...She's lucid today."

"Good! Are you going to visit her?" he seemed surprised

"I don't know. I think I am, she's asking for me..."

"She's your mother."

"I yelled in her face last time she was lucid. It's her last memory of me."

"It's time to make up for it, then." his small smile lighted up his whole face

"I'm sick."

"You'll tell her, she'll understand."

_No, she won't. I'm freaking out here. _

I stood in front of him, hot tears blurring my sight of him, before he pulled me closer to his chest and let me sob quietly, nuzzling my head in the crook of his neck, my hands covering my eyes, his rubbing gently my back, soothing my whimpers. _For God's sakes Meredith, stop crying, you're not five anymore!_ I unfolded our hug too soon to get dressed. He remained in my room, quietly sitting on the bed and watching me dressing. _He has never seen me naked, after all_.

"I want you to come with" It was a statement from me, not a question. He smiled, answering with his eyes first. _Friends do that, right?_

"I'll be there, I have an afternoon shift."

"Can we take your car?

"You don't feel like driving?"

"I left mine at Joe's. I walked home yesterday night"

"Ok, do you want breakfast?"

"I don't think I'll hold anything. I'll eat later if I feel better"

We moved out to the car. He opened the door for me and I smiled at his courtesy.

"I chickened out last night, I'm sorry"

I hushed up, not telling him that our last night's conversation was one of the main causes I was throwing up in the first place.

"I love you too, Meredith" he grinned, his eyes still focused on the road. Mine filled with tears and everything became blurred. I closed them and, considering I hadn't slept much in the night, I doze off on my seat, waking up only at the feeling of Derek's lips on my temple. _God, what a beautiful way to wake up_.

"We're here"

"Sorry, I was bad company"

"It's fine. You're never bad company..." he tried to lighten up the mood, as usual

"Whatever." I smirked, then walked up the steps. He followed me like a shadow.

My mother was sitting in a comfortable, old-fashioned armchair, her gaze lost on the flowers in the garden, fidgeting with her watch just like me.

"Mom"

As I called, she immediately turned and smiled, her eyes wide in surprise. She stood up and hugged me. I think we've never hugged like this in my whole life.

"Meredith, please sit" she smiled widely. I glanced back at Derek and he leaned at the doorframe, giving us some time alone under his watch.

"Who's that handsome man at the door?"

"Derek Shepherd, Mom" I loved to say his name out loud

"The Derek Shepherd? Wasn't he working in New York? Brilliant surgeon..."

"He's the Head of Neuro at Grace now" I smiled. The fact that Ellis Grey considered him brilliant was ego-boosting even for a non ego-centered person like him.

"And you're together" she smiled. I could hear him chuckle from his spot.

"We're friends"

"Just introduce me already"

She stood up and shook his hand, smiling. I could hear them whisper, talking briefly, before he sat next to me. She scrutinized us together, like she always did when she caught me with a guy, but this time her gaze was softer, different. She wasn't the mean woman I've lived with my whole life, she was my Mom.

"I'm an intern Mom"

"I figured. I'm glad you found a little time for me, then. You look tired just like every intern..."

"No, I think I caught something in the clinic, I threw up the whole morning"

"You look good then, Meredith. You feel like staying?"

I nodded in response. _Maybe that was the moment to run. Run from what? Stay and ask for explanations!_

"How are you feeling, Mom?"

"Like I'm gonna miss an awful lot of good things" she sighed, glancing at me, then at Derek. A small smile pictured on her face. _She was smiling!_

"Do you mind if I leave you two alone a second and grab something to eat? I think I'm feeling better"

"Of course".

I breathed heavily, out of the room. She looked different. _Where the hell was the Ellis Grey I grew up with? Hell, that woman looked almost like a mother!_

I came back in the room after no more than ten minutes and Derek's pager went off. I saw a disappointed look on his face.

"Duty calls" he apologized, squeezing my hand and standing up. He held out his hand to my mother again and she took it gently, before standing up and unexpectedly wrapping him in a hug. She whispered "Take care of her" in his ear, before she let him go. I felt vulnerable, without him by my side.

"How soon are you two getting married?" she smirked. _My mother knows how to smirk!_

"I told you we are just friends. He's already married, getting a divorce." My heart ached for a second at my admission.

"Oh" she sighed. "Make sure he signs those papers or I'll haunt him for the rest of his life" _That was my mother, finally!_ I giggled.

"He looks like a good man. Does he make you happy?" she added, pensive. _She was actually worrying for me?_

"He does, Mom. I've never been happier"

"Good. I have to apologize profusely for my behaviour during your whole life. I thought about it, this morning, while I waited for you: I was the worst mother you could ever have. I'm sorry"

"I know why it happened. I'm sorry too,"

"Don't be. You're so forgiving Meredith, you always have. You'll end up hurt someday..."

"It already happened."

"How bad it was?"

"Which one?"

She bite her lower lip, just like me, then squeezed softly my hand. _Was I really having an heart-to-heart conversation with my mother?_

"Did you ever felt guilty about your relationship?" I asked. I know she understood we were talking about Richard even without mentioning him

"All the time. I couldn't leave him...Is this bothering you a lot?"

"Part of it, yeah."

"Tell me. I'd probably won't remember a thing tomorrow anyway..." she smiled, but squeezed tightly my hand. It was one of our last moment together that both of us could remember. A tear slipped down my cheek. _Damn emotional-me!_

"I had sex with him in an exam room last month." She didn't even flinched. She smiled, instead, catching me off guard. _I was talking about my sex life with my mother, how pathetic am I?_

"And you feel guilty because it was one of the best moments of your life. He's still married and you're scared."

"As hell. And I'm so damn emotional I don't even recognize myself!"

She smirked, again, then she gently leaned her hand on my forearm, squeezing gently.

"It's gonna be ok. You're finally extraordinary..."

"Mom, I just..."

"You have a great life, a great love, great friends for sure. You're kind and caring, forgiving, you're a giver and never a taker. You can be better than extraordinary"

Extraordinary was all she had always asked me to be. Every single day she repeated how extraordinary I had to be.

"I'm not even a real surgeon, yet."

"Oh, you will be a great one. That's not my main concern: I want you to be a better woman than me. Learn from my mistakes and don't freak out too much when you'll walk down the aisle or you'll hold your baby in your arms for the first time like I did. God, you were this little and look at you now..."

"I'm gonna miss you Mom."

"I know. I'm gonna miss seeing you become even more extraordinary and this kills me."

"It's not your fault, Mom"

"I'm gonna miss your wedding, your kids, your first solo surgery, your residency..."

"I'm not the married-and-kids kind of girl" I liked to point out. I didn't needed to get lost in surgery when she was lucid and eager to talk with and about me.

"Not yet" she smiled, knowingly. _What was that about? What did Derek told her?_

"I'm never gonna enter in one of those puffy white dresses, my word on it!"

"Oh, but you'll sign something someday, put a beautiful ring on your finger, built a house, live together, have kids. I'm gonna miss all of it..."

"I kept your house Mom. I have roommates because it was too big, but I kept it."

"Thank you. But get your own place when you'll start a family. Build good memories in it..."

"I will"

She giggled, laughed, I can't even describe it, I was too stunned by my mother's behaviour to notice details. She was being nice to me. As she had never be. _I was going to miss her even more, then._

"You can't see where I'm headed, can't you?" she asked with a soft smile

"You want me to admit that I'll have all of that with Derek?" I guessed. I didn't know what to think about anything in that moment, she was being nice!

"Oh, not just that. He's got the hair, by the way"

"Indeed" I laughed.

_I just shared a laugh with my mother. I need a pinch right about now. Are we one-hundred percent sure she's lucid?_

"Mom"

"Oh, yeah. I was saying...Don't you have anything to tell me?"

"Like?"

"Look at you, you throw up the whole morning and you look gorgeous, glowing. I don't think that only Derek does that to you..."

_Ok, she's losing it._

"We didn't even slept in the same side of the town, Mom"

"That's not what I meant."

"Ok, Mom, cut it off, you know I hate this..."

"You're pregnant"

"I'm what?" I widened my eyes, processing for a second what she had just revealed

"Pregnant. Baby right there" she pointed at my belly.

_Oh shit. Pregnant?_

"You can't be serious"

"Just draw some blood tomorrow and you'll thank me"

_Oh. God. Imhavingababy. Baby, baby, baby, Derek, prom, baby, baby, pregnant, Mom, baby, baby, lucid, doctor, baby. _

_Seriously?_

"Meredith" She shook me off from my trance, even if I was still unable to reply anything. I was staring wide-eyed at her, trying to process what to say or do next, but I was stuck on that couch. She became blurred on the edges. _Damn, she's right._ I wasn't myself lately. _A little person is actually growing inside me in this exact moment?_ Tears flowed gently down my cheeks.

"Hey, Meredith, what's wrong?" she squeezed my forearm, trying to comfort me

"I...I c-can't" I stammered.

_This was not happening. Seriously, it couldn't be happening. It's just not right. How could I possibly be pregnant after that stupid prom sex? A prom child, poor little thing. Then it snapped in my brain: that feeling of fullness, that was it already. We made love and we finally completed each other after a long time, it could have been the perfect moment. It was._ _She's the best doctor you know and if she says you're pregnant, just trust her. She's your mother._

"It's gonna be ok. When you'll tell Derek, everything's gonna be ok"

_Tell Derek? How on heart am I supposed to tell him that?_

She scrutinized my face for a moment, trying to read me. I was like an open book, unfortunately.

"I'm not ready. I've got issues and things and...I'm busy here! I can't..."

"You are going to be a great mother, Meredith. Sure better than I was"

"Mom"

"I'm sorry I won't be there for you. I'm so sorry"

She stood up and sat next to me, hugging me tightly. I felt her tears roll down her cheeks and that was the first time ever I saw my mother crying in front of me.

"Before I forget: I kept diaries. Mostly surgical memories, but they're all yours. They are in a box in the attic. Go get them when you're up to" she wiped up her tears and mine as well, like I've always wanted her to do when I was a little girl.

"I will. I love you Mom"

"I love you too Meredith, I always have"

She bear-hugged me again, rubbing my back in circles, soothing my tears.

"I've never heard you calling me "Mom" that often" she mumbled a small smile creeping on her lips.

"Because I never called you, period. I'm sorry about that. And going to Europe without even telling you. And going to Dartmouth, and..."

"I forgive you. You forgave me bigger things, you were just seeking attention I wouldn't pay to you. I'm sorry about your dad. And Richard."

"I'm sorry you couldn't stay with him forever"

"Don't mind if he'll hover, he promised me. Just let him be"

"Okay" my voice was still stuck in my throat after her revelation, my brain working at half its speed.

"Oh, and Derek promised too. He owes me. He's a decent man, you two really look good together, like you're meant to be with each other. This baby will be lucky"

_I can't have a baby now. In the future, not yet._

"I'm freaking out Mom"

"Slow deep breaths and little steps"

"What if Derek walks away?" _This baby couldn't have a childhood like mine. But I couldn't abort him or her either. That was our baby._

"He won't. Otherwise he'll deal with me." She was able to steal me a tiny smile. "You're going to be extra-extraordinary Meredith" _Was that a word? God I love its meaning anyway!_

She hugged me tightly again, her motherly hands finally comforting me.

"I think they'll kick me out soon, Mom." I sadly admitted, sniffing. It was almost dinner time and I spent the whole day with her, calling sick at work.

"I know. And I know this probably will be the last time I'll be able to talk to you like this." She looked almost angry with herself, realizing too that we had finally built the relationship we should have had many years ago when it was too late.

"It's ok, really. I'm gonna miss you though,"

"Someday I'll miss you too, Meredith." Tears gathered in my eyes.

"Hey, Princess," I was four the last time somebody called me Princess and it was my father probably. Unstoppable tears rolled down my cheeks as she wrapped me in her arms. It felt so homely, almost like when Derek hugged me. _God, I miss his hugs_. "You have to promise me two things, all right?" She locked her unwavering eyes to mine. Steady. Her sharp green eyes always brought the same feelings in my soul. I nodded to tell her that she had my undivided attention. "First of all, fix whatever's left of your relationship with Derek. The way you talk about each other tells me is not just a random love story and you should treasure what you have. You'll be together someday, I can tell you. He said such beautiful things about you and I'm even more proud of you"

"You talked about me?" I pulled away from her hug a little, our hands still grasped.

"A little yeah. Thank you for letting me know him by the way. I know I won't remember a thing tomorrow, but he's actually the first boyfriend of yours that I'm glad to meet!" she giggled

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Not yet. He'll sign the papers in two weeks, then you can both be happy together," her smile softened

"He told you about the divorce?"

"Yeah, I didn't ask. Are you afraid he won't leave his wife?"

"I'm not sure about anything anymore."

"He will, believe me. Especially when he'll know about the baby,"

"Are you one-hundred percent sure about this? Because I feel everything but pregnant." _God, I said it. Weird. Weird. Weird_.

"That was the second thing I wanted to talk to you about. No one deserves what I did to you, my own baby. I won't be here for you to ask for advices," she winched "but remember to ask for help when you need it. Don't avoid. It's what I did, and look where it brought me..."

"Mom, you did the best you could,"

"It wasn't enough Meredith. Forget about working, surgeries, cool stuff we both know how high they can lift your spirit: nothing can be compared to the moment I held you in my arms for the first time. That was it, because I wasn't there when you took your first steps or when your first tooth fell, but I'm sure they would have been pretty high moment as well."

"Mom,"

"Wait, let me finish. This baby needs you. You and Derek. Just figure out everything you have to, because it won't be just the two of you anymore."

"I'm not sure I can do the whole thing, you know..." I trailed off and she smiled

"Being a Mom? You'll be perfect and I am so proud of you."

"I'll screw up and at some point this baby will stop loving me,"

"This baby will love you with his or her whole heart"

"I don't know how to tell Derek about it. I'm sure he'll be over the moon, but what if we argue? What is going to happen to this poor thing?"

"Everybody argues, just don't get things become bigger than what they actually are. You will be fine, no doubt about it."

"I'm scared. Of everything."

"I know," She enveloped me in her arms again, sitting me on her lap. "Just take good care of that berry right here, ok?" she softly grazed her fingers on the fabric over my stomach. _Berry. Sounded nice. Scary in its gloriousness. Sublime, some Romantics would say._ I hugged her this time, holding tightly, tears and sobs filling the silence between us.

"I don't want you to go, Mommy." _I was five again and she was about to start one of her never ending shifts_. She cried too, remembering the same exact thing.

"I have to." The same exact answer.

"I love you, Mom"

"I love you too, Meredith. I'm so sorry."

**AN: Ok, this Ellis Grey is completely fictional. It's how I wanted her to be the single time she was lucid on the show. I hoped for a ****closure, some kind of apology, instead of their yelling. She redeemed after the drowning though, with that motherly hug. Meredith deserved something better. She would have also loved Derek, if she could have had time to know him, I'm sure about it. And I also loved the fact that she kept diaries, even if they were merely surgical, it was a nice thing for her, so I've put this into the mix.**

**It was an intense chapter, full of lots of things. I apologize if it was somehow distant from the real show, I just needed to write something like that for myself.**

**Thank you everybody for sticking with my story, I really appreciate it. Chapter 4 will follow soon, maybe before 2011 if I'm particularly satisfied with the next chapter.**


	4. You Need Something For Which To Care

**Disclaimer: Once again, I wouldn't be here if Grey's was mine. **

**Thank you for the kind reviews, it touched me that someone cried after reading the previous chapter. It feels good that people can have such emotions just reading something mine. Thanks again!**

**The title of the chapter this time is from Evil by Interpol, a very inspiring song that I used also to write my other fiction, "You Suddenly Complete Me". It's a great song, listen to it. **

**Enjoy and review! (and there's no need to cry this time!)**

**Chapter 4 – You Need Something for Which to Care**

When I got home, everything around me seemed to swirl. I don't even know how I got there safely, because after saying goodbye to my mother, I knew that was it. We would never talk like that again, she would never recognize me. In the end, she redeemed: nothing that she had done could be erased and forgot, but somehow she make all of it bearable. I always imagined this moment happening, sooner or later, especially after her illness overcoming her: I would have been somewhere, in a green place, talking to her about everything I've always wanted to and she never let me. That was our peace. I couldn't stop crying then, my heart squeezing tightly every memory, holding to them. That was it. She would never remember this. Or maybe she will, when everything would be over for her. I ached silently. I didn't know what I was feeling for her anymore. She actually talked to me, met Derek -_met the love of my life_- and liked him.

"_This baby will be lucky"_

I trusted her on her feeling about the pregnancy, because she was my mother. She knew me, in some twisted way, she knew me. _She freaking birthed me!_ She noticed what no one else realized, not even myself. I was sobbing at the last memories of her.

"_I love you, Mom"_

I hung my coat and moved to the kitchen to drink something, my throat dry from all the crying. The light I switched on softly invaded the room, revealing a covered cake with a note on a lavender post-it next to it.

_For Meredith_

_To cheer you up._

_~Izzie_

Then, at the bottom, someone else added:

_Sorry, too good to be left covered!_

_George_

I chuckled at their banter. My mother would have hated them. _Wait, Ellis would have, my mother maybe not._ After today they could be divided in two different person without second guessing.

"_I love you Mom"_

Did I looked so bad that Izzie baked a wonderful, mouth-watering chocolate cake?

It was the same cake she baked when I admitted I was in love with Derek the first time. Coincidence.

I saw the missing slice and smiled to myself. At least George was kind enough to apologize. I cut a small slice and the first bite was unbelievably good. _Cravings. One point to Mommy_. I think I moaned loudly because it echoed in the room.

"Glad you're enjoying it"

Izzie's voice startled me. She come sitting next to me, a small smile on her lips.

"It's late Iz, what are you doing up?"

"Can't sleep. What are you doing up?"

"I went to see my mother. She was lucid."

"Oh" she was surprised, worried? "How did it go?"

"She could have been a great mother"

"_I love you, Mom"_

I took another slice of the cake, my mouth watering just at the thought of some more of that delicious thing.

"Than you Iz, I really needed this" I said with my mouth full.

"You're welcome. You always hated it..."

"Brings back memories"

"Good or bad ones?"

"Still figuring it out"

"Derek?" I nodded. It was easy to guess.

"It never tasted this good before" I kept chewing

She took a bite herself, chuckling.

"It came out better"

"You can do even better?" she smiled "If I were you I'd bake all the time, screw everything else!"

Her smile faded immediately. _Crap, not a good thing to say. Hormones. It's two points for Mommy!_

"You know what I mean, Iz."

"Yeah"

We were quiet again.

"Did you throw up this morning?" she said concerned, trying to change subject at the same time.

"Yeah"

_Crap, nausea. Mommy's definitely winning_.

"You should have called for support" she didn't seemed offended though

"Derek was there"

"He slept over?" her look became immediately more interested

"No, he wanted to apologize, about last night..." She craved details as much as I craved another slice. "I told him that I love him. And I cried. A lot. We kissed and we almost had sex, before I ran home."

"Wow"

"We agreed on being friends"

"But he kissed you"

"I kissed him back."

"He's still married"

"He'll sign the papers in two weeks"

She started to say something, but then stopped.

"I'm happy for you Meredith."

Her smile was genuine, but the hint of sadness in her eyes didn't go unnoticed. She wanted the same, of course. But Denny wasn't coming back in two weeks.

"Mer, that's the third slice"

"I know"

"You throw up this morning. You don't look like you did, but I remember hearing not so pleasant sounds coming from the bathroom..."

"I feel like eating. It's an amazing cake, Iz!" I tried to ignore her

"Oh. My. God." Her eyes widened, her lips stretching a wide grin

"What?" I looked at her between chomps.

"Mer, you're pregnant!"

_Ok, Mommy wins. Shitshitshitshitshit._

"That's what my mother said" I babbled, muffling my sentence with another bite

"Oh my God!" She laced her arms at my neck, almost chocking me.

"It's Derek's right?" she flashed me with a questioning look

"Can't be Finn's"

"Oh". I wanted to smile at her reaction, but I was still to overwhelmed by the pregnant thing.

"I'm freaking out, Iz" I added, genuinely.

"Wait two more weeks and everything will be fine"

"Why you and my mother keep saying the same things?" We laughed together and it was good to hear Izzie laugh again.

"I'm happy for you, Mer" her comment was sincere, her happiness real

"Thank you. I think you'll be baking a lot more cakes soon!"

I cleaned the counter, hugging Izzie again. I apparently liked hugging people lately. We said good night, then I walked upstairs quietly, avoiding the well known cracks on the stairs.

My room was dark, a small light of the street lamps filtering from the shades. I took off my shirt and stared for a second at my reflection in the mirror. I was a hint fuller. Bigger boobs, softer cheeks, rounder hips. My eyes lingered for a second on my abdomen. Nothing different, yet. I grazed my fingers softly on my skin. _I am pregnant_. This realization stunned me. _Derek's baby_. I closed my eyes for a second and his calm, blue eyes pierced into mine. _Keeping this baby was the right thing. Even if I am an intern, even if I'll suck at being a mother, this is the right thing. Derek will never walk away from his child. What if he doesn't love me? He does love you, he told you._ As I rubbed my stomach, I felt so pregnant I was about to explode. Full. _No, that wasn't the cake. The Berry_ _made me all sappy. It was really happening_.

As I opened my eyes again, the real world crept in my joy: I am an intern, who's currently sleeping/seeing/hanging out with her boss, who had an unstable childhood and held a bomb in her hands. Who would I fool?

I wore my old Dartmouth shirt and a pair of sweatpants, climbing into bed. For the first time in three nights, I didn't cried myself to sleep, gently placing my hand where I was nurturing our baby. Our baby was there. I was glad it was there. I was freaking out, but I was happy. If my mother loves me, I can love this baby. Derek's baby. Something we will always have together, even if we won't be together. A part of him will always be with me, no matter what and this was enough.

"_This baby's gonna be lucky"_

**AN: This chapter was shorter, but I had this idea floating in my head, so I just wrote it. I hope you liked it. Meredith's conscience is pretty dominant in this chapter, I hope it wasn't confusing or boring. **

**I will update again tomorrow, before leaving, a longer chapter I suppose, then I'll be away till New Year. **

**Thanks again for sticking with my ramblings!**


	5. We've Been On This Shift For Too Long

**Disclaimer: Grey's is not mine or I wouldn't be here.**

**In this chapter I took some inspiration from actual scenes of the show, adapting them to my story. Somehow I liked them. I hope they fit. **

**The title of this chapter is from Driver 8 by R.E.M., which I casually discovered while I was writing this fic and I became addicted. There's a nice acoustic version on YouTube as well. I think the line fits.**

**It's a little longer than the previous chapter this time, enjoy and review!**

**Chapter 5 – We've Been On This Shift Too Long**

I was changing in the locker room for the morning rounds after my night shift when I felt some cramps. _It's gonna be a long day_. Luckily I wasn't nauseous. I walked out to round, but the cramps became stronger, almost like punches. I stopped for a second, grabbing tightly a shelf and putting my hand on the abdomen. _Be nice, Berry, _I thought_. Oh, perfect, I talk to the baby now!_ I rubbed the aching spot for a second and it passed. _Thank you_.

"Hey, Mer!"

"Hey" My answer wasn't as enthusiastic as Cristina's

"Women's trouble?"

"Yeah"

"We're late for rounds"

"I know"

Moving, the cramps stopped but were followed by the urgent need to throw up. _I_ _shouldn't have had that much cake yesterday night!_

"Sure you're ok? You're green..." whispered Cristina after we rounded the first patient. She grabbed a good case today, while I was busy fighting my nausea in the far corner of the room, close to the door just in case.

"I ate too much cake, I think"

As I throw up in a bin in the middle of the aisle, it was clear like sunshine that I wasn't feeling good.

"Are you pregnant?" she supposed in disbelief, staring with wide eyes.

I tilted up my head and I saw Addison glaring at me intensely, her grip tight on the charts she was holding. She heard. _Perfect! My day is just great now!_

"Meredith"

Derek's worried voice came across the corridor over dozens of voices, his coat twirling around him almost like a cape of a knight that is hurrying up to save his princess as he paced to me. _The knight in shining...whatever__!_ His blue eyes were filled with concern.

"Go away" I uttered, quite bitterly.

_Stay and hold me, please. Stay and hold me_.

"You're still sick?"

"I think I am"

His features softened, the worry displayed before replaced with a tentative, sympathetic smile.

"Dr. Yang could you please check on dr. Grey and keep an eye on her?"

"Dr. Shepherd..."

He knew I was mad when I called him dr. Shepherd. He was also right, I needed a check up. _What if something was wrong with our baby?_

His eyes were deep into mine, trying to stare me down and give up.

"You are in no shape to work today, dr. Grey" his tone matter-of-factly

"All right, I'll have a check up" I shuffled another wave of nausea back in my throat. _You're driving me crazy, Berry_.

"Keep me posted, Yang"

"Of course dr. Shepherd"

She dragged me to an empty exam room.

"Now you tell me what the hell is going on here" I bite my lower lip, fidgeting with my watch. Another minor cramp shook me. "I'm waiting"

"It can be everything, Cristina!" I tried to delay the moment of truth, knowing that she was already close to discover my little secret.

"What, an appy? Are you kidding me, Meredith?" she almost laughed in my face

"Ok. I think I'm pregnant" my voice barely a whisper. _She's your best friend, she can help_.

"You think" she glared at me

"Just draw some freaking blood and leave the benefit of the doubt, alright?" I snapped

_There's no doubt_. She grunted, obeying my request. I exposed my bitter side to hide that, in fact, I was completely, unquestionably freaking out!

"Stay here as I deliver those labs and flirt with the technicians in the lab to deliver them quickly. Apparently the one on duty has a crush on me" she swirled away before I could add anything, but she was able to make me chuckle.

The quiet in the room allowed my mind wander freely in not so happy places. _What if those labs come back negative and I'm not pregnant in the first place? What if something's wrong? Could it be an unviable pregnancy? Why those cramps?_ I felt some more uneasiness, shifting position. "Behave" I mumbled, grazing softly over the fabric of my scrub. _Something was off_. I needed someone from OB/GYN to check me out. _Oh God, Addison_ _will know immediately. I need to get out of here, find another doctor somewhere else. I need to get out of here._

"Where do you think you are going?"

Bailey's bossy voice stopped me while I was gathering my things.

"Away"

"You stay right there dr. Grey until we haven't figured out what's going on" her firm tone froze me

"But..."

"No buts." My resident always knew how to keep in line us all

She walked closer, handing me some forms I didn't recognized. _I didn't needed forms for a blood-work, there was something else then, something with the baby. My baby needed to be ok_.

"The Chief told me that you have to sign those." She interrupted my train of thoughts as she realized that my mind was someplace else "They are admitting your mother"

_What?_

"Why?" I took the forms to understand a little bit better the situation.

"Heart attack"

"She's here?" _she's dying_

"They're still working on her, when they'll move her to a private room we'll page you"

"Thank you dr. Bailey" I was able to utter, almost chocking on the last few words

"Take care, Grey"

_My mother is really dying. Not a fake, Alzheimer-related death, dying dying_.

_Who was working on her? Burke probably..._

"Hey"

Cristina didn't intruded as her usual. _She knows I'm pregnant and she knows my mother is here_.

"My labs?"

She handed me the paper. High hCG. _Pregnant. Baby. Berry_ _was there for real. I'm having a baby. Wow._

"Congratulations?" Cristina's voice was wavering. She fidgeted with an IV for some fluids. She was nervous. _There was something wrong_.

"Is something wrong with the baby?"

"No, you just need rest and fluids, you were dehydrating Mer" she trailed off. I haven't been resting in 15 hours, nor ate properly. _Nothing is wrong with the baby, the baby's ok, the baby will be fine_.

"You know, my mother has been admitted"

"Mer" I hit the right spot. This was bothering her. She frowned, avoiding eye contact.

"Bailey came in because I had to sign her papers. How is it going?"

"Not good". Straight to the point, as always. I gulped.

"Ok". _Not ok, my mother is dying_.

My pager beeped. Bailey.

"I want to see my mother"

Cristina didn't argued and wheeled me to her room. My mother was lying in her bed with a dozen wires attached to her chest and limbs, unconscious. Se looked almost peaceful. I moved next to her, careful that out IVs didn't intertwined, and I grabbed her hand. It was warm, but lifeless. I took her chart and read: she was going to die soon, if the Alzheimer hadn't already killed her from the inside.

"I'll be right outside if you need me" Cristina walked out almost unnoticed.

"Hey Mom" I greeted, my voice stuck in my throat "You were right, about your theory," My mid drifted just for a second to the happy place where she was ok, I was having a baby and Derek was next to me. Just for a second. But lighten up the mood seemed impossible and pointless "I'm glad you figured it out, I will remember our conversation forever, I'm happy," I stroked her hand. "No, I'm not happy Mom. You're leaving, again. I need you right now and you're leaving, you're..." _dying, Meredith, she's dying _ "We had a nice talk and I wished I apologized before, I wished you weren't sick...I wished a lot that day Mom" A tear escaped from the corner of my eyes and I quickly wiped it away. "I know that you feel like you're dead already, being stuck in a home, without what mostly defined you, but I don't want you to die, Mom" I sniffed "I love you, Mom"

And then I cried. Every tear I had into me. I cried for her, because she was dying and because she felt already dead, I cried for our missed experiences, our non-existent bonding, my crappy childhood, her amazing surgeries, her flawless works, her stubborn, bossy character, her cheating with the Chief.

I have never loved her this much and I found myself wondering, for a split second, if my baby will love me this much, or less, or more. But then the reality of her still body came back and I kept drowning in my own tears, my hand still clasped in hers, to never let her go.

A tissue appeared magically in front of me and I could recognize those hands and that scent everywhere. Derek. _Hold me, please, hold me_.

"I can come some other time" he whispered, his voice barely audible over the beeping of the monitors. He didn't wanted to intrude in my own moment with her, but he came to say goodbye too. I was glad that he cared. He was there.

"Stay" I mumbled

"How are you feeling?"

"Better with some fluids. Too much work..."

His small smile lightened up my day. _I want our baby to have his smile_.

"How is she doing?"

He sat next to me on a chair and brushed away some strands from my face in a tenderly gesture, almost as if nothing had happened between us and we were still together, almost like we weren't tending my almost-dead mother or he knew about our baby and he was even excited about it.

"Not good" a lone tear hurried down my cheek again and he promptly wiped it away. He squeezed my hand tightly, creating a sort of chain, between him and my mother. I was the lock, our baby was the key. _Our baby_.

"She's not alone" _He remembered. In the closet, he remembered_. "You are not alone." he added. _We are not alone, Derek_.

The monitors beeped faster and I knew that was it. She was having another heart attack. He pushed the button to call the nurses, hurrying to her bedside, performing CPR. A blur of people rushed in with a crash-cart. _It's over_.

"Mom. Don't go Mommy. Mom, please" I cried and cried and cried.

He moved me aside, but I knew it was over. He shocked her with the panels. Once. Twice. Three times. He was doing all his best, but it was over already.

"Not now Ellis. You cannot die today. This is not the moment. Fight back, fight back..." he coached, shocking with an higher voltage to every new encouragement. Then the line became flat and the beeping a loud, continuous noise that meant just one thing: time of death.

His eyes were full of tears, his figure apparently defeated behind my blurred veil of tears. He posed the panels and let the nurses go. I stared at my mother, still in shock. _My Mom is dead_.

"Mommy" I babbled "I love you, Mommy. I love you,"

He swiftly hurried to me, lifting me off the wheelchair where I was sitting and, careful to not tear the IV, he sat on the nearby couch, rocking me on his lap, soothing, lulling. I buried my face into his chest.

"Mommy"

"It's gonna be ok, I'm here, you're not alone" his words whispered softly in my ear, trying to stitch the fresh wound, comforting, soothing, healing.

"Mom"

"You're not alone, I'm not going anywhere"

I nuzzled into his chest even more and he cradled me closer. I believed him. I needed to believe that he wouldn't go anywhere. Ever.

"My Mom is dead Derek" I sighed, unable to collect any other thought.

"I'm here"

He tenderly kissed my forehead, his eyes full of unshed tears. _He was hurting. For me. He was hurt because I was hurting_. My sobs became slowly whimpers, but his hands kept holding me tightly and rubbing my back in soothing circles. _Our baby was going to be so lucky with such a daddy_. I calmed down as soon as the thought of the baby reached my brain, my breaths shallow. _I had to tell him_.

"Derek" I called in a barely audible voice, even if the room was quiet like never before. No more monitors. I caught my breath again and he squeezed me tighter.

"Mmmh?"

_Not the right moment_.

"Tell me something good"

"Anything?"

"Anything."

"I signed the divorce papers" I gasped. _Two weeks had already passed?_ He seemed to read my mind, as he added with a tiny smile "I had them delivered as soon as possible"

"You're free?"

"I am" his grin widened.

_Good, because I might need to trust your ex-wife soon_.

We remained quiet a little more, I was busy clutching to his neck while he soothed me with tender circles on my back

"We should move, Mer" he caressed tenderly my cheek after I don't even know how long, both lost in our silent bubble.

"I say goodbye."

He let go of me without adding any more words, steadying me on my feet. I grabbed my mother's hand again and this time it was cold. I kissed her cheek "I love you, Mommy. I always will"

I turned back to Derek and he was blurred at the edges. He wheeled me to his office, where he wrapped himself around me again, spooning me on the couch and I sniffed quietly in his arms for a long while.

Everything seemed unreal: when I walked in this hospital I had a mother and maybe a baby; in that moment I had a baby and not a mother. And Derek was there. People were looking from the big windows, but I didn't care.

_*Outside the office*_

Mark approached Addison at the counter facing Derek's office, seeing his best friend holding tightly Meredith Grey. He watched Addison stare at them, with an unreadable expression.

"Hey"

"I never linked them before, you know? Grey-Grey" she stated, gesturing to the woman behind the glass, her gaze not wavering from the room.

"She was an excellent surgeon"

"She was a bitch. I don't know how those two could be related..."

"What do you mean?" Mark turned to the woman, suddenly surprised

"Meredith is a decent person, while Ellis..."

"She didn't give a crap about anything except surgery" he tempted a small smile, that didn't last long. Her manners back in Boston were well known in New York as well.

"I'm sorry for Meredith, though"

"You're not just a little bit angry or jealous right in this moment?"

"He never held me like this, or talked to me like this. Have you seen his smile when she's around? They're not together and still, he's happy when she's near, even if it means he has to rip open old wounds, he's happy. I'm glad he is happy."

"She deserves some happiness too"

_*end scene*_

I think I doze off in Derek's arms, because his warm breath and a lingering kiss on my temple woke me up. I was still cradled in his secure hold.

"Did I fall asleep?"

"You did" he smiled in his McDreamy way, even if I could see a hint of sadness in his eyes, just enough to avoid their peculiar twinkle.

"I'm sorry"

"It's ok. How are you feeling?"

"Better" _You are here_. I glanced at the clock hanging on his wall and I realized how long I slept. "Look, my shift ended a couple of hours ago and I wanna go home"

"Let's take you home then"

"You're coming with me?" _Stupid question, he kind of offered..._

"I drive" he smiled widely.

He helped me up and I waited for him in the lobby as he changed back to street clothes. The ride back home was quiet, million silent thoughts buzzing in my head, the events of the day blending and shaping in various forms, quickly fading like the sight outside the window of his car. I gently moved away my hand from my belly, where I absentmindedly lied it, to avoid any further suspect from him. He will know, eventually but not like this.

"Come in" I invited, as he parked his car right outside my house. _My own house, not my mother's anymore_.

"_I love you, Mommy"_

He walked in and smiled, realizing that everything was just like he had left it. The foyer, the stairs, the same old furniture, the mass of coats hanging on his right. He looked so perfectly home here, he belonged inside those rooms. He didn't hid his smile though, feeling home as well.

"Want something to drink?" I asked, trying to prolong his presence. _Baby, crap_.

"Do you have some wine?"

I nodded, half-smiling. I took a glass of wine for him and some juice for me as we sat at the table in my kitchen

"It's better if I avoid alcohol tonight" Eight more months without tequila was my first thought. _Baby. Derek. "Baby right there"_. The first instinct was to lower my hands to my belly, seeking connection. He didn't noticed, his gaze lost in the glass of wine. I had to tell him.

"Thank you Derek"

"You're welcome. It's what friends do"

"I know"

We stared at each other for a while, wordlessly sipping our drinks . He finished his wine, placing his glass in the sink.

"You'll be ok if I leave?" he asked, standing up.

_Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay._

"I'll be fine, I think"

"I'm a phone call away, ok?" he rewarded me with a sincere, friendly smile.

"Good night Derek"

"Sleep well, Meredith"

Then he disappeared behind the door, looking a lot like the prince that approached me this morning. _God, baby, you're making me so corny..._

**AN: In the final part of this chapter there's a sort of externalization of the story, when we spot Addison and Mark. It's a little off, I know, I needed this scene (that I actually adapted from the show) for myself and Addison's redemption, more than for the storyline itself. I liked Addison, I liked her cases and I liked her character, but not with Derek. Maybe with the New York Derek she would have been great, but the flannel-wearing man in a trailer of Seattle is definitely not her type of guy.**

**As you realized, my medical knowledge is scholastic and really basic, so apologies for every medical mistake I made. At least they're fictional characters and their lives are well protected!**

**Next update will be on Monday, maybe Tuesday, who knows. Happy New Year to you all and thanks for sticking!**


	6. Life In Disguise

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is not mine, you know that already. **

**First of all, happy 2011! I just came back from my trip and my brain is someplace else, I just wanted to update this short chapter because I promised it. Don't mind mistakes.**

**Life In Disguise is a song by The Slip, featured somewhere in Grey's. It's a great song, as all Grey's songs are. **

**Review, if you want, and let me know at this point what you people like the most about my story and maybe some advices to make it even better. **

**Thanks to all of you and I wish you a great New Year all around!**

**Chapter 6 – Life In Disguise**

The next morning, I was back to work for a short shift. I decided to have some more exams to check if the baby was ok. Mom was dead already, I couldn't lose this baby too. I would have asked Cristina or Izzie to do the exam for me, but I realized that Izzie wasn't working anymore and it was Cristina's day off. She called last night, just to check on me and I was glad we were able to talk a little before I could go to bed. I regretted not having Derek there with me the entire night.

I went downstairs to have breakfast and I found Alex in the kitchen, warming some milk.

"Hey" he greeted. He didn't have the pitiful face people have when someone close to you dies. We can't help that face, it comes naturally, but Alex was able to manage a small smile.

"Good morning" I didn't sounded so broken, just a furry, hoarse voice from all the crying of last night.

"I'm sorry about your mother,"

"Yeah, me too" I trailed off. I didn't wanted to talk about it, yet. "Do you have something cool planned for today?"

"Couple of deliveries, a c-section, some consults. The vagina squad is getting boring already"

_Vagina squad. He was my guy!_

"Look, Alex, I need a consult today, if you're free"

"Yeah, no problem. What is it?"

"I'll page you when I'll need it, ok?" I tried to avoid, without being too much suspicious

"Okay, I have some time before lunch" he mentally screened his schedule

"Good, I'll leave in early afternoon. Thank you Alex"

"No problem!"

We kept eating our breakfasts quietly, even if he eyed me when he noticed that I skipped coffee. He immediately thought I was going nuts or something. I smiled, pretending nothing had happened. He would find out soon anyway, that wasn't my main concern, Alex was good at keeping secrets.

At the hospital, Bailey forced me on scuts. I didn't complained for a second, not really in the mood for long hours of surgeries or the need to be focused and ready as in the pit. I needed some quiet. I didn't met Derek the whole day, surprised that he didn't even looked for me, but I remembered that he had been busy the whole morning in back-to-back surgeries. I hoped his mind wasn't as busy as mine. As I checked my watch I realized it was already lunchtime, so I tried to find an empty exam room and I paged Alex.

He arrived in no time, maybe he was waiting for my page.

"Ok, Grey, what do you need?"

"A consult"

"Yeah, I get it. Where's the patient?"

I bite my lower lip, fidgeting with the pen in the pocket of my lab coat. I was trying to find the perfect words to tell him. He was my doctor -my friend-after all.

"It's me" I blabbed.

"It's the dehydration thing from yesterday, right!"

"Yes. No, wait, no. It's...you're...the vagina squad"

"You're pregnant, Grey?" his eyes softened for a second at the realization.

I nodded, helplessly. "Addison doesn't have to know"

"Okay, I get it. We're actually going to see the McBaby, then" he smiled

"Alex, just do it" I pleaded. He wasn't shocked, just a little stunned.

"So the panties on the bulletin board..."

"Alex!" I scolded him.

"No judgement here." And he was sincere. Alex was always direct, even if it caused him trouble. Just like Cristina. _I still have to apologize to her after my scene at Joe's_.

"Ok, it's gonna be cold" Alex brought me back on earth sprawling some gel on my belly.

"I know" _I'm going to hear my baby!_

"Yeah, sorry" he smiled, then began to roam over my abdomen, looking for an heartbeat. He was quiet, focused on his task and I wasn't really in the mood for chitchat. Suddenly the faint sound of an heartbeat filled the room. It was fast, distant, but it was there. It seemed strong. Alex turned the screen to me and pointed something nut-shaped with his finger. _That's my baby!_

"Here," he added with a smile "your McBaby looks perfectly fine"

_That small thing there was my baby. Our baby. It was life. Inside of me there was another beating heart. Someone else._ "_Baby right there"_

"Alex" I was able to mutter, a whirlwind of emotion overwhelming me, my tears hardly kept at bay.

"The baby's fine"

"That's my baby, Alex" Tears rolled gently down my cheeks, unstoppable. He offered a smile a little wider than the one we used for patients.

"It's perfect"

"My baby" I babbled again, regaining some sort of self-control and wiping my tears with the back of my hand.

"Shepherd doesn't know, I suppose" I shook my head. _He should have been here, our baby is perfect_. "He lost a hell of a show here" continued him quietly.

_He was right, our baby is awesome_.

"You should tell him" he suggested, not imposing.

"I will. I need some time"

"Addison will find out at some point"

"I'll deal with her. Keep this secret, ok?" I knew he was right, I just needed time...

"My mouth is sealed. You want a print?"

"Please" I asked with a smile.

I went back home after the exam and I kept staring at the image for hours, lying on the bed and rubbing softly my belly, fully aware of that special thing that was growing right under my fingers, the hurried thump of the heartbeat repeating in my head. _And Derek was missing all of it. And Mom._

_This baby would never be alone as I was when I grew up. He or she will be loved and cherished for every progress. I'll hang draws on the fridge and I'll attend every graduation, even kindergarten. I'll be there. _

_Derek has to know, he can't miss this. It's too special to be missed_.

**AN: I told you it was a short update! I hope to be back to my old self tomorrow and update something more, or then wait for Wednesday. **

**Thank you for your patience and loyalty!**


	7. Darling, Your Smile

**Disclaimer: Once more, Grey's is not mine.**

**The title of this chapter is a line borrowed from Good Morning Fire Eater by Copeland, it's a quiet and relaxing tune. I can't even remember where I found it. Search it somewhere, it's worth the time.**

**In this chapter I explore Derek's point of view, because I needed to get into his head for this. We never see his side of the story on the show and I feel bad for him. He's a great character. I thought it would result harder to write, it was fun instead. **

**About Thanksgiving, it's off-season and I don't even know what kind of traditions Americans have exactly, because I live in Italy and we obviously don't celebrate it, so I just went with the flow and I hope you can forgive my mistakes.**

**This story keeps writing by itself and I already thought about a final chapter, that resulted only in a couple of ideas more. I don't even know where I'm going with this fiction, just stick with me and keep writing beautiful reviews to cheer me up!**

**Chapter 7 – Darling, Your Smile**

It was Thanksgiving and I was again away from Mom and my sisters. It wasn't like Christmas, but for the Shepherds every holiday meant people and noise. I almost missed it. Chatty sisters and husbands, noisy nephews and nieces and Mom while I was alone, on the West side of the country. Addison had been my family for eleven long years and I felt suddenly alone. It was weird, because I've always had people -_women_- around. It might be the first Thanksgiving I would spend working and never regret a minute of it. At least I was sure Meredith would have been at the hospital, she couldn't stand holidays. _Meredith_. Since the night of the prom, she had been every day more beautiful, every day a little closer. The divorce papers had been shipped to the lawyer and then we will try to be happy together. That friends thing was getting a little on my nerves, especially due to the fact that I wanted to kiss her every time our gazes met.

I saw her leaning at the nurses' station, sorting some charts. _Breathtaking view_. _She's handling well her mother's death, after all_. She was stunning. She seemed surrounded by a sort of halo, something I didn't know if it was real or it was my lonely mind that made it up. Maybe I was going nuts.

She finally sat on a chair, placing her feet over the desk, flipping through charts. Her hand casually draped over her stomach, the other juggling a pen to focus, a satisfied smile on her face. When she tilted up her head and noticed that I was staring intently at her, she blushed, sitting straighter on the chair. I walked closer, magnetized by her stare and her tiny smile.

"Hey, paperwork?" I approached casually.

"Yep. Bailey sent me in the clinic to deal with knife cuts and burned fingers, I'm the only one around today"

"I'm heading to the OR, wanna scrub in?" I knew I'd win her. I could spend some time with her, hopefully.

"Seriously?" her eyes widened in surprise, a pleased smile appeared on her lips.

I smirked "Happy Thanksgiving!"

She nearly jumped from her chair to stand up and follow me, grabbing for a second my shoulder to steady herself, light-headed. That casual touch shook my nerves.

"Sorry, I stood up too quickly" she smiled nonchalantly, then followed me to the scrub room. I explained her the procedure on our way and she even offered to monitor the patient after the surgery. _Smart explanation to avoid Thanksgiving dinner_.

"Look, Derek, everybody's at my place for dinner tonight, I thought that maybe you should come and say hi, Izzie had made enough turkey for a week" she proposed, while we were scrubbing in.

I chuckled, pleased by the invitation, gazing at her happy eyes above the mask, she was a little embarrassed though. I've always suggested dinners and breakfasts and she was usually reluctant to go out like most couples, the relationship thing, as she liked to call it. She never asked for more. _Maybe afraid of my answer,_ _maybe she knew better from the start that I wasn't the good man I thought I was_.

"Forget about it, you have plans already..." she added, as I didn't answered promptly.

"No, wait. I'd be glad to join you and all of your friends tonight"

"If you're bored Joe's is a couple of blocks away"

At her statement I laughed heartily and she joined me with her perfect giggle. I could recognize it everywhere, one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.

"I'll be there around seven, seven-thirty maybe" I finished, drying my hands

"Perfect" her smile reached her eyes, even behind the mask and I'm sure mine was exactly like hers.

The surgery went smoothly, practically textbook. I was strangely more focused when she was around and she was a pleasure to work with, each of my questions had a quick answer, not a flaw. After scrubbing out, I watched her walk away graciously to monitor the patient. After her mother's death, she looked different, lighter maybe, almost as if someone took some weight away from her shoulders. _She is even more stunning_. The smile she loves magically materialized on my face, following her figure around the corner as she disappeared.

"It's not polite to stare, Derek"

A very familiar voice surprised me behind my back. _It can't be who I think it is_. I turned around and I found myself face to face with my mother. _What the hell?_

"Mom?" I knew my eyes were wide in surprise.

"You don't come over for Thanksgiving, I come to you" she stated with a smile

"Oh, Mom, I missed you so much!"

I wrapped her in a tight hug, hiding in my arms her small frame. I just needed to remember how much I missed her to have her show up.

"Don't worry, your sisters are still in New York, tough Nancy wanted so badly to see Addison"

"Mom, about her..."

"You divorced, I know. That's why I'm here,"

"To hit me with a bat and leave me agonizing on the floor because I broke a sacred whatever?" _I was slowly turning into Meredith, always forgetting words._

"No, to see how you're holding up and who's that mysterious girl that you talked to Kate about"

"Oh, c'mon, I told her as a shrink, not as a sister!" I groaned. I should have known her, after a lifetime. Apparently being away made me forget things, not just words.

"You're working on holidays, honey?" she asked, a hint of concern in her tone.

"I'm going to dinner with some friends, but I can cancel and spend the day with you, it would be awesome!" _I have no idea how to tell Meredith, though_.

"I'm gonna be fine, you didn't expected me"

"I'll try to bring you some leftovers, Izzie is such a good cook"

I saw Meredith coming to us with the corner of my eye, calm steps, more beautiful than ever. _Should I introduce her? She'll freak out for sure, just let her be_. She smiled politely at my mother handing me test results or something alike, I was too busy staring at her to notice, my glance moving back and forth between her an my mother.

«Excuse me, ma'am. Dr. Shepherd those are the test results of Mr. Dower, he woke up conscious and relaxed, if you want to stop by, I already checked his vitals."

"Good, I think our surgery was successful, then" I didn't hid my smile

"Something more to be grateful for tonight at dinner, then"

"Well, about that, can I bring someone with?" her face became paler, almost like I slapped her "Mark, maybe, I need to ask him if he has plans, I don't want him to be alone at Thanksgiving" Despite how much I hated Mark, it was sad to be alone on holidays. She regained color immediately, stretching her striking smile again.

"Yeah, of course, I told you about Izzie's eagerness to cook, you can add anybody to the mix. See you tonight, then?"

"Yeah, I'll be there"

She disappeared with a smile, then I turned back to my mother, who was smiling widely.

"What was that, Derek?"

"That was Meredith Grey, Mom"

"Oh" she sighed, her smile still wide. "Oh" she repeated again with a higher, knowing pitch, emphasizing the fact that just the way I pronounced her name gave me away. "She's lovely"

"You barely saw her"

"I know you, Derek."

I watched her smile again, taking in her well known features I missed so much. Her hair were shorter, still a perfect white, her eyes still happy and motherly. Her grin the tiny display of how glad she was to be standing there in front of me. And she knows me so well that she immediately realized what Meredith is for me, something I didn't even figured out myself. She's always been good at understanding people and I needed some of her wise advices at the moment.

"What if I'll mess it up again, Mom?"

"Believe me, you'd better not to" she giggled "So, you're friend with Mark again?"

"Kind of, we talk" _It was a long road to forgiveness for Mark_

"But you invited him to Thanksgiving, with her"

"I was thinking to bring you with, I'd like you to get to know her, even if she'll freak out"

"You're together then..."

"We're friends. If I am friend with someone I'll let their parents in for holidays, especially if they flew across the country. She's no different"

"She'll freak out, you said" she tried to read me, scowling.

"She will"

"Just warn her. I remember I had a huge freak out when I met your Dad's parents and we were practically married that day" I saw her mind drift immediately to that day and I gave her a few seconds to remember it. I don't even know how she had made it till today without him all that long when I wasn't able to stay away from Meredith a few hours.

"We'll pretend. You can be a patient's mother, she won't mind it. Then we'll tell her, at some point, when she'll warm up" I suggested

"Derek Christopher Shepherd, are you kidding me?" she stared at me wide-eyed, the same expression she had when I was a kid and I broke something she liked.

"Ok, forget about it" I mumbled, then I looked at her pensive expression until something changed suddenly.

"You know what? Maybe is a good idea, I'd like to meet her without the in-law baggage" she smiled

"Mom, she's a friend, just that, but she tends to freak out around parents, it's a long story..."

"Yeah, a friend...Just tell me you helped me because my car broke in the middle of nowhere, not that I'm someone's mother other than yours"

"So you're in?" I know my smile broadly widened, because she laughed

"You're so going to marry her sooner or later!" she teased, laughing

My pager went of and I had to ran to the pit, leaving my mother in the middle of the hall with a wide smile plastered on her face.

**AN: I fell in love with Carolyn Shepherd when she showed up and I always thought that she should have come sooner than in S5. I can't believe such a close family as Derek's is can stay away long and, considering that he's not visiting, she should come over sometime. She's a great character and I know the excuse of the car is lame, but you have to stay tuned to see what happens next. **

**I hope you liked Derek's vision of things, next update will be back to normal and I think it will be up as soon as I get something more done. **


	8. Brainy

**Disclaimer: There's no need to repeat that I don't own Grey's.**

**So, we're back in Meredith's head for this chapter, which title is borrowed from a namesake song by The National. It's a really good song, trust me.**

**It's a longer chapter than the previous one, I hope you'll like it.**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Chapter 8- Brainy**

When Thanksgiving arrived, apparently I had nothing to be grateful for, because the man I love was not with me and my mother was dead. Instead, as she pointed out before passing away, I had a great job, great friends and a baby. I never thought I would thank for a baby. _Derek's baby_. I was even happy to go home and have dinner with everybody else because Derek would have been there. And maybe he would bring Mark, but that wasn't the point: Derek was going to spend Thanksgiving at my place, with my friends, my family.

I came back home in late-afternoon, after a long day in the clinic. Luckily I could scrub in with Derek and forget about turkeys and pissed off wives for a while. He was acting strange after the surgery, when I caught him talking to a cheerful elderly woman I supposed was related to Mr. Dower. Maybe his mother, she looked a lot like a mother. _Will I ever look like her?_

As I entered in the living room, I spotted Cristina sprawled on the couch, watching one of my mother's taped surgeries.

"Hey" I greeted, trying to look cheerful. Our relationship had been kept around professional talks since the accident at Joe's and the fact that she was one of the four people that knew I was pregnant. Except that my mother was gone and there were just her, Alex and Izzie left.

"Hey Mer, your mother was even better than I thought with a scalpel" I know my face darkened because she winced, immediately recognized that she slipped on her first sentence. It was hard for us, the talking thing.

"It's ok. I never thought it would feel like this" I admitted

"Sorry I forgot about it" Her admiration for my mother was only slightly clouded by the fact that she treated me like crap. That, and because she wasn't a cardiothoracic surgeon.

"I'm sorry about Joe's, I just yelled with no apparent reason" I tried my best to apologize, her eyes still focused on the procedure on the screen.

"I think I just witnessed your first hormonal outburst"

"I think you have" A smile crept on her lips, then we both laughed heartily, almost as if nothing had happened, because she was Cristina, my person, and I needed her so badly.

"How are you feeling? I mean..." she lowered her voice, asking, and I did the same, answering her.

"There was nothing wrong with the baby. I just got lucky Addison was busy and Alex took over my case"

"Are you happy about it?" there was a hint of curiosity in her tone, wondering too where the hell was the Meredith she met at the beginning of her internship.

"I think I am. It will feel better when Derek will know" I confessed.

"You're planning to tell him soon?"

"I can't hold it off anymore. I hope he won't figure it out on his own, he already saw my pleasant morning sickness the day my mother was lucid"

"And he still doesn't suspect anything?" I shook my head at her question

"I didn't even know myself that day" _I was too busy with him having a wife and wanting to be friends to care for my period_.

"He stayed when you were sick?"

"He didn't even flinched" I admitted and Cristina's eyes widened.

"Ok, as much as I dislike him, he really likes you. I wouldn't have stayed, sorry Mer" I laughed at her bluntness, when our conversation was interrupted by the doorbell.

"Everybody's already here" stated Cristina puzzled

"I invited Derek and I think he might bring Mark with"

"Uh, McSteamy! Thank you Meredith Grey! I pretend I've never heard who's coming with, alright? I laughed again and went to open the door.

My face was as puzzled as Cristina's before when I saw Derek standing with the same woman he was talking with when I gave him the test results. They looked almost alike. _Odd_.

"Hi" his smooth voice snapped me back on earth and I smiled widely, his eyes twinkling with emotions as well.

"Oh, sorry, come on in"

"Mark couldn't come over, but I found this nice lady at the hospital in the parking lot looking for a ride because her car didn't want to move anymore. You told me I could bring anyone..."

I laughed in the way he could only make me to. _I missed this laugh_. The woman smiled, studying my reactions. She seemed an interesting person, her eyes reminding me a lot of Derek's, almost the same sparkles. _Whatever_.

"Please, come in. I'm Meredith" I held out my hand, smiling.

"I'm Carolyn, nice to meet you" we politely shook hands and Derek seemed somehow delighted by the fact. _What a strange man I fell in love with_.

"I'm glad Derek rescued you and I really don't mind if you would join us for dinner, there's plenty of food"

"No, I mean, it's too much, he just picked me up in the road, I need to make a call and tell my sister I won't be there for dinner"

"You shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving, believe me, I know the feeling"

I felt Derek's soft eyes staring at me, reassuring that he was there.

"Thank you, then. The smell is wonderful already..."

"My friend Izzie is a great cook, she feeds the entire bunch of doctors in this house" I laughed, realizing that without her we might all have starved to death. Or ended up falling in love with the pizza guy. _It would have been so much easier._

"Doctors?"

"Yeah, we all work together with Derek at the hospital. I think you've seen me this morning delivering some charts to Dr. Shepherd here"

"Oh, yeah, I remember your pretty face" I felt myself blushing at her sudden realization and Derek chuckled from his spot. We came back to Cristina, who immediately looked disappointed as we walked in the room.

"Oh, c'mon, there's no McSteamy with McDreamy!" I laughed.

"Mark was tied up in surgery. I'm glad I'm not the only one with a nickname anymore, I think you got exactly who Mark is, Yang" he teased, a wide smile on his face, trying to hold off a laugh

"I'm flattered" she smirked. It was fun to see them bickering.

"What are they talking about?" Carolyn whispered only for me.

"It's a hospital thing, male attendings gain nicknames. We are bored interns. Derek is McDreamy and another doctor is McSteamy for obvious reasons."

"McDreamy, uh?"

I nodded, an idiotic smile plastered on my face. _My McDreamy_. They were still squabbling in whispers.

"Are they always like this?" She asked again. _She was an interested stranger, after all_.

"They can be worse, but they'll come around someday" we muffled our laughs.

We heard Izzie shout from the kitchen that dinner was ready and we moved to the seldom used dining room, where we enjoyed a really pleasant night. Carolyn resulted indeed a really nice person, telling us about her 5 kids back East and how she was sad about not being with her sister that she was going to visit because her car broke. She didn't seemed bothered by the fact that everyone at the table was a stranger for her and she kept chatting quietly, especially with me. _Maybe because I looked friendly or something_. Derek's smile was wide the entire evening, flickering looks at me too often. Our looks. _His McDreamy looks_.

After the last cake, covered with whipped cream that tasted so delicious, I felt I needed to puke and I understood that maybe whipped cream wasn't the baby's favorite food. I excused for a moment, realizing that I might turn green in a matter of seconds, running upstairs to avoid throwing up in front of everybody and the consequent explanations, especially for Derek. _Strangely, Berry_ _and cream weren't getting along very well_.

"Are you ok?" a quiet, well-known voice asked.

Derek stood fiercely at the door, leaning against the doorframe. _He would know soon if you won't stop throwing up at every occasion he's in the house. _

_Could he be hotter than when he leans against stuff?_

"Yeah, I liked the cake, I think it was just too much food to handle"

"I feel pretty bloaty myself" he smiled, the slight look of concern immediately washed away and I was able to breathe. _He still doesn't suspect anything_.

"It was nice you came by. And that woman is so lovely, I'm glad you brought her over, we saved her from a boring Thanksgiving, even if she couldn't spend it with her sister..."

"She seems pretty satisfied as well, she was the one who sent me upstairs, checking on you. I think she likes you" his face strangely lightened up.

"We'd better sneak back downstairs or Cristina will think we're doing something"

"We should stay then" he smirked.

"Derek!" I scolded him, slapping lightly his shoulder, because he just voiced my thoughts. He grabbed my hand and never let it go until we were at the bottom of the stairs and I wished I could keep his hand in mine forever.

"Look, Mer, we have to go back to the hospital. Me, George and Cristina." Alex said as I sat back at the table. It meant that it would be just me and Izzie, Derek and Carolyn.

"I'm leaving too" said Izzie and all our face widened in surprise. "I'm going to visit my mother and I need to leave tonight or I'll show up at an impossible hour. Do you mind doing dishes Mer?"

I remained stunned for a second, before answering "No, not at all"

"I'll help" Carolyn offered

"No, you're a guest" I smiled at her. She was an hard woman to fight.

"Do you think that I wouldn't have had to do dishes back home?"

She was stubborn and I liked it. The others smiled politely, then left, greeting Carolyn and me. Izzie hopped in her car with a suitcase and I thought immediately that we wouldn't be seeing her for a while. Maybe she was going to feel better then, it was what I hoped for her.

We were starting to clean up when Derek's pager went off.

"Sorry, I have to take this" his look was disappointed, I knew he wanted some more time with me. The woman smiled.

"Well, Derek, thanks for saving me in the parking lot, I think I'll call a cab and maybe I'll charge my phone next time" she laughed. She came closer to him and hugged him and they seemed born to do so. _Weird_.

I walked him at the door, his longing face told me that he wanted to be nowhere different than here. _God, I hate our job in those moments! _

"I'm sorry I have to leave"

"It's fine, I'll be fine, Carolyn will keep me company"

"Glad I found her around, then"

"Yeah"

I looked in his eyes for a second and I saw million emotions, as always. Then he kissed me softly, quick, leaving his scent on my lips, as he closed the door with a smile. I walked back to the kitchen with a grin that looked almost fake. _Hell, that man is screwing with your head, Mer._

"You and Derek are together, aren't you?"

As I came back in the kitchen, Carolyn immediately stroke a question I knew she had from the moment she walked in. I smiled at her ability to keep it for herself. She didn't seemed bothered too much by my slow answer, continuing to wash dishes.

"Kind of."

"What do you mean, kind of?"

"He just got divorced and we sort of had an affair before" I rambled

"He divorced for you?" her voice surprised

"No, I didn't even know he was married before his wife showed up" I kept my tone flat, despite how much it still hurts to say so.

"Such an ass!" I laughed at her directness. I grabbed a dish and started drying it, to keep myself busy.

"It's a long story, but we're friends at the moment"

"You'd look cute together. I'm sorry, I saw you kissing in the hallway" I'm sure I blushed violently, because she giggled. "Don't be ashamed, he came rescuing you upstairs, I knew that something was going on between you two"

"We didn't do anything upstairs, I was sick"

"I know, believe me. I saw it on your face. Whipped cream did that to me too, when I was pregnant with my boy"

_Does this mean I'm having a boy too? _

"You're pregnant, right?"

I nodded, smiling. _What harm could be done, telling it to a stranger? Maybe she could give me some advices too, she had five kids, after all_.

"I'm scared" I admitted. Her face suddenly lightened up.

"I was scared too, it's a feeling that never goes away" her smile was comforting, motherly. _She would definitely give me good advices_.

"I'm afraid I won't be enough. You seem such a caring mother, but well, mine wasn't. I can't turn out like my mother, I can't do this to our baby"

I knew she understood perfectly that Derek was the father, but she lit up again at my words. Her eyes were just like Derek's when she was happy. _Weird again_.

"This is the starting point of being a good mother Meredith" she placed her hand on my forearm and I felt comfort and understanding. I really liked that woman.

"Look, can I have your phone number? I know you live in New York an stuff, but I think I might need some kind of advices someday" She knew my mother passed away because it was brought up at dinner and she seemed almost pleased at my request. She had been very pleasant during the whole meal and I thought it would have been nice to keep contacts. She smiled widely and took a piece of paper from the cupboard and a pen. When she handed me the piece of paper I choked, reading her surname. _Maybe I can't read anymore_.

"S-Shepherd?" I babbled and she nodded, still smiling. Her writing too neat to be mistaken. The piece of paper started to shake between my fingers.

"I'm Derek's mother"

_Oh God_. I wanted to scream. _I spent an entire night with her, opening up with her, sharing secrets and she turns out to be his mother!_ _I'm his mistress, for God's sake!_

"Meredith, it's ok, this doesn't mean you can't call me"

"You're Derek's mother" I repeated like a scared little girl, in a childish voice.

"He expected a freak out. I was the one who approved this"

"He-he could have left hints or something!" I snapped. _He is a dead man_.

"Hey, don't worry, ok? I thought it was good because you wouldn't have known that you were actually talking to me, so you would have felt natural. I wanted to know you and I realized why Derek is so in love with you". _He's in love with me_. I paused for a second, collecting my thoughts and basking in the feeling. _He loves me._

"He cheated on his wife with me!" I wanted to be realistic, snapping out of my fantasyland.

"I never liked Addison. I like you"

"You do?" my eyes widened and she nodded.

"You're kind Meredith. Nobody would have let someone in her home so easily and I see the way you look at Derek that you love him just as much as he loves you"

"He hurt me" tears welled in my eyes, admitting it.

"He knows, believe me, he knows"

"I didn't even told him about the baby because I don't have a clue on how to. I'm not good for him, I'm dark and twisty" She muffled a laugh with her hand, placing the other on my shoulder.

"You're everything but dark and twisty. Your past might be, but I'm sure as hell that you can be one of the happiest people I've ever met, despite everything"

"It's Derek" I mumbled. I was being so sweet that I almost needed to throw up again. _Derek's mother is standing here and you talk to her about him? Are you nuts, Meredith?_

"It's gonna be ok, Meredith" and then my world melted, because she sounded just like him, so I started to cry. "Hey, hey, hey, no tears" she soothed, wrapping me in a motherly hug. I longed for a mother like her my whole life.

"He's gonna be mad when I'll tell him because I kept it for myself for so long. Don't get me wrong, I want our baby to know him, it's just..." I sobbed, unable to continue my rambling

"You need to fix things with him first, uh?"

"Yeah. I'm afraid it won't work"

"You'll fight, but it will work. He told me you're feisty, he needs some of it, growing up with four sisters made him too romantic!" she smirked and she was able to steal me a giggle. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and she looked at me deeply. Even if her eyes were a soft hazel, they held the same twinkles of Derek's and now I understood why.

"I'm gonna get in a cab and hop to Derek's trailer"

"You're sure you want to be alone in the wilderness of his land? I don't even know if there are still ferries this late"

"I'm going straight to my hotel, then" she smiled

"You can stay here. I'll talk to Derek about it. It's not a problem, really" I don't even know why I asked her that question.

"You don't need to,"

"Izzie's room will be empty and there's another free room downstairs"

"I'm staying in an hotel, but thank you, I don't want to intrude too much. I already took advantage of you guys for dinner"

"I didn't mind. Come over tomorrow, then"

"You need to talk, don't you?" she smiled widely

"Please" She really got me. She was good at reading people.

"Tomorrow" she confirmed, confident.

We stood up from the table where we sat after finishing to clean up and she hugged me again. I've never been a hugger and Cristina would have been nauseated by it, but I felt I didn't needed anything but to be hold right in that moment and I wished that Derek wasn't at the hospital so I could have called him to let him come over and hold me all night.

"Are you ok staying alone tonight?"

"I'll be fine, I think"

"See you tomorrow, then"

She squeezed my arm one last time, before grabbing her things from the hallway and disappearing behind the shut door.

_You met his mother and you're still alive. Mother's aren't that bad after all_, I thought, lying on my bed and draping my hand over my belly, rubbing softly the same spot, where our little Berry was luckily growing safe and sound.

I heard the doorbell rang and I jumped from the surprise. As I opened, I was faced with a tired Derek wearing a weak, worn out smile.

"Hey" he managed to whisper "I forgot my sweater, I was freezing tonight" a small smile appeared on his lips, his arms crossed on his chest to keep warm, then he looked around as I let him in.

"Your mother left already" I told him, bringing back the sweater he left on purpose for sure.

"You know then" his smile became wider

"She's nice Derek. You should have introduced me"

"She insisted" he laughed and somehow his exhaustion disappeared.

"I invited her to spend the night, but she refused. You need to talk to her and don't let her waste money when I have a free room for her"

"You want her here?" he looked at me like I had grown a second head or something, staring wide-eyed at me.

"I liked her. She's a good mother"

"Yeah, she is. You're alone tonight?"

"Izzie had left a few hours ago, so yeah..."

"You ok being alone?"

"I'll manage. Go get some sleep Dr. Shepherd" he chuckled.

"Good night Dr. Grey. I'm glad my mother behaved"

He softly kissed me again, just like the kiss his mother witnessed, wrapping his arms softly around my waist and pulling me a little bit closer. He shut the door on his laugh and I found myself staring at a closed door.

**AN: "_Could he be hotter than when he leans against stuff?" _this is all me and my love for Patrick Dempsey. I think it was also placed in the most random, inappropriate place ever, just like when you have those kind of thoughts. I think Mer's rambling in this chapter had been pretty satisfying. I would love to hear her thoughts sometimes...**

**The Shepherds plan in the end worked out just fine, right? And Carolyn is great. I can't help but write her as a great person. And Meredith had to freak out, I know, but she realized that the woman in front of her is nothing but a mother and is not going to kill her or something. She's definitely not her mother. **

**Ok, I wrote too much, sorry. Next update will be so good...**


	9. You May Need Me More

**Disclaimer: You know the stuff it's going to be written here, don't you?**

**The title of this good chapter is still taken from Brainy, by The National, I think it was kind of inspiring when I wrote those chapters. Anyway, I tried not to use the same songs, but it's hard, as long as I hear always the same old ones for inspirations. I'm sorry for the cut title in the menu, it was just too long to be written there all together. **

**I'm not writing anything more up here, the AN at the bottom will be long and boring as usual. **

**Enjoy and I'm sure you'll review this chapter.**

**Chapter 9 – You May Need Me More Than You Think You Will**

It was dark outside when Derek silently shut the door behind his back and I immediately regretted my decision to let him go.

I walked in my room, feeling every ache in my body doubled, now that Derek's arms weren't wrapped around my waist anymore. It was really freaking cold without him. I hid under the covers, trying to heat them up unsuccessfully.

A thunder shook my bedroom and I shivered. _Perfect weather_. The lightening followed suit, my room suddenly bright for a second.

"_Mommy" _

"_What, Meredith?" her voice annoyed_

"_Is Daddy back now? There's boom"_

"_It's a storm. Call things with their names"_

"_Daddy?" I asked, hopeful_

"_He's on a trip"_

"_He back soon, right?"_

"_I don't know. Sleep, please. Mommy's tired" _

"_I'm scared"_

"_It's just a storm"_

_The door shut behind her back and I hid under the covers_

I was five when that happened. _She is dead now, she can't be annoyed by the storm_. I sobbed silently, tears rolling slowly down my cheeks. _I miss her already. Despite everything, I miss her_. Derek's mother reminded me what could have been having a mother and in our last meeting, Ellis Grey surprised me by doing what she should have done from the first moment I arrived in this world. I missed her so badly.

I found my hand draped over my stomach and I rubbed gently with my thumb. All my thoughts and memories faded away at the mere contact. Inside me, there was future. It scared the crap out of me, but it was future. A glimpse of joy and opportunities. _Derek_. He stayed with me the whole afternoon when my mother died. He held my hair when I was puking, without flinching. He soothed me and comforted me. As a friend. But he was there and I was ok with that. He introduced me to his mother. He was coming over to grab purposely left sweaters. He cared. _The papers are signed_.

My phone vibrated on the nightstand and I answered without looking the ID.

"Meredith..." a tired, distant voice spelled my name. I didn't need the ID to recognize his voice.

"Derek? Is everything alright? Forgot anything else?" I tried to lighten up my mood, outside a thunder shook the glasses.

"Look, it's storming and it's getting a little scary out here, can I come over and borrow your couch?"

"You're at the trailer?"

"No, in my car outside your home. I missed the last ferry"

"Of course you can come over. There's a key in the third pot on your right, under the porch. George's bed is made, he's on call, say hi and I'll give you a blanket or something...I'm upstairs" _Come to bed with me, please. Hold me all night_.

I heard the front door shutting and some muffled steps on the stairs, that cracked always in the same spots when you were wearing shoes.

"Nobody's home yet?" he grinned, peeking at my door. His hair were wet and disheveled, despite his unsuccessful tries to rearrange them, his jeans damp just like his v-neck. I smiled at the sight and he smiled back.

"Nope, they're on-call and with the accident you got caught up with I don't think they'll be home anytime soon"

"Are you still ok being all alone?" He asked, _because he cares_.

"I'm not alone anymore" _I've never been alone in the first place, but that's a whole different story._

He leaned at the door and I melted on the spot. His smile was contagious.

"Do you have some dry clothes with you?" I asked, smiling. He was soaked as I scanned his outfit.

"Nope"

"Here," I threw him his indigo t-shirt that I treasured "that's yours"

"I knew I forgot it somewhere." He caught it midair, smirking "It's wrinkled, Mer"

"I used it"

His laugh covered for a moment the thumping sounds of the storm and everything seemed perfect for an exact millisecond. He stripped off his jeans and his sweater, wearing the t-shirt I treasured so long. _God, he's hot, half-naked in your bedroom!_ My hand moved absentmindedly over my belly and the moment of bliss cracked, the feeling of relief overcame by guilt. _He has to know. His mother knows and he doesn't_. He gazed at me from the door, a small smile still on his lips.

"I don't think I'll get any sleep until the storm slows down" I tried to approach the talking subject casually. _How do you tell somebody that he's having a baby with his mistress?_

"Me neither"

"Do you want to talk?" I asked hopeful. His eyes widened and twinkled.

"Big stuff?" he said with a teasing, childish smile, plopping next to me, where I left him some space on _his_ side. He lied propped up on his elbow, facing me.

"Yeah"

_It wasn't a good idea, after all_

"Well, first of all big stuff, the lawyer got the papers I signed so I'm a free man" a wide smile brightened his face more than the lightening of the storm

"So I've heard" I giggled. "Are you ok?"

"Perfect"

His hands dared around my fingers, then laced together. He squeezed a second.

"Mom told me she'll haunt you if you won't keep your promises" I kept the conversation light

"I imagined it" his grasp tightened

"I think I'm gonna miss her, you know? She ruined my life and I'm gonna miss her" his hand squeezed mine gently

"She made you the extraordinary person you are, even with all the shit she gave you. I'm glad I had the chance to meet her" he was serious, so I tried to hide the emotions to avoid more tears. _Hormonal, pregnant tears_.

"You like her because she likes you, uh? And she told me you're brilliant and you have great hair"

"Gotcha!" he laughed

"I love your mother, Derek. She's..." I struggled to find the right adjective because she was so many good things.

"My mother?"

"Yeah, I think that's enough". He laughed again and somehow, our bodies became dangerously close. On a bed. His eyes pierced in mine and I saw joy and loss reflected in his depths.

"God, you're beautiful" he mumbled under his breath. I smiled.

His thumb stroked my cheek, his point finger traced the length of my nose and I felt my face burn. He smiled, noticing my flushed cheeks. He leaned closer, his breath blowing in my face his intoxicating scent, before his lips brushed mine softly, tentatively. He pulled away too soon. I grabbed his stubble with my fingers and I lowered my mouth on his again, parting his lips to dart my tongue into his depths. He trailed soft kisses from my jaw down my neck, lingering on my shoulders and over my collarbone. I tingled in anticipation. I kissed him again, hard. We were both breathless when we pulled away for air. His smile was wide.

"Derek" I chanted

His hands travelled down my back, lifting up my t-shirt, his fingers grazing the skin on my back, covered in goose bumps, our lips never parting

"Derek" I pulled out a little

"We'll take it slow," his McDreamy smile stunned me again

"I have to tell you something..." _Bad timing. Bad timing. Bad timing._

He paused for a second, his hands stopped rubbing my back and his nose just a few inches away. _Do or die, a basketball player would say, the moment of truth_.

"You can tell me anything" he encouraged, his eyes still deep into mine.

"I..." I hesitated "I didn't have the flu when I visited my mother. Or this evening"

"Is there something wrong with your labs? Are you all right? Why didn't you tell me an-..."

"I'm pregnant" I cut him mid-sentence in a whisper.

He stared at me for a second, the same disbelief Cristina displayed, multiplied four times. When he recomposed himself and was able to clench his jaw, the corner of his mouth stretched in a wide, dreamy smile.

"You're pregnant" he echoed, his voice full of emotions

"I'm having your baby" I had a large grin on my face as well, basking in the joy of his reaction to my statement.

"Our baby" he grinned, before kissing me hard. Then tiny, happy kisses. He trailed down my neck again, grazing my breast and appreciating their new fullness. He hit the right spots only he knows. I let out a moan. He pulled away my t-shirt from my belly, hovering for a moment.

"Hey..." he spoke softly, grazing my skin with a kiss. It felt so perfect.

"Berry." he tilted up his eyes as I spoke, questioning. "My Mom suggested it..." he didn't need any more explanations.

"Hi Berry," he mumbled again "it's Daddy," his voice wavered "I can't believe you are here" he placed another series of kisses. _He's talking to the baby. He's gonna be your baby's Daddy for real_. He became blurred at the edges "I love you so much already, so does your Mommy" tears welled up in our eyes, but we blinked them away.

"I love you, Derek" was the only thing I could process in my foggy, emotional brain. It wasn't hard to say anymore. _I needed to say it_.

"I love you too, Mer. This is real, right? I'm not dreaming or something..."

"You want me to pinch your arm?"

He laughed, shaking my core and, after his passionate kiss, my body hummed for more.

"Our baby" he echoed his words, a beaming smile on his sweet lips

"I'm gonna have a check up in a few weeks, you want to be there?"

"Please" his voice filled with joy and expected emotion. His eyes were shimmering with happy tears he couldn't blink away.

"I'm never gonna let you down anymore, Meredith. Both of you" he kissed me again, brushing my hair.

"It's ok"

"What can I do to make it up for you?"

"Just be here"

"Tonight and every other night Mer" his eyes twinkled, his tears still kept at bay.

"I'm scared"

"I'm afraid too. We can freak out together."

We laughed heartily at his suggestion and I finally saw our sparkle back. It was there. There weren't any more secrets and he wasn't going anywhere. He was there and he was going to be there a long while more. _We are having a baby!_ I wanted to yell it to everybody, instead I just showed him a wide, teasing smile, nibbling his ear with a kiss. It was just the two of us tonight. _Well, three actually_. I giggled and his eyes became darker with lust, our bodies reacting to our touch.

"I have something to show you" I continued, his kisses still numbing my ability to think straight. I picked up the picture of the ultrasound from the drawer of my nightstand, handing it to him. He carefully took it between his finger, his eyes immediately filling with tears.

"It's..." he was at a loss of words.

"Our baby, Derek" _And you can finally see it_.

"Oh my God, it's amazing"

I nodded, unable to answer anything. His fingers dared alternatively over the picture and over my belly, skimming it tenderly, then he placed another tiny kiss right above my belly button. A tear slipped down my cheek, unnoticed.

"Is everything all right? I mean, you had fluids and, you know," he trailed off, betraying the confidence of his doctor-mode side.

"The baby's perfect, Derek. Morning sickness not so much, but it's ok"

"You're ok?"

"We're ok"

His smile became even wider, his eyes sparkling with the light of the storm outside, his joy palpable. I couldn't tear my eyes off his face, his gaze lost over the picture, while his fingers kept rubbing my skin gently.

"Derek" I hesitated a second. He mumbled, tilting up his head, meeting my gaze. _God, I could get lost into that blue_. "I'm sorry I haven't told you before"

"It's ok"

"I would never keep you away from your child, you know that, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter if we're not together, you can come visit, you can see him or her whenever you want,"

"I don't want to spend a single moment away from you. I'm gonna be there every step of the way from now on"

"Derek,"

"I love you. And I would still love you even if our baby wasn't there. I was so madly in love with you this morning and yesterday and a week before that. I've been in love with you forever, Meredith Grey." His voice was filled with emotion as he repeated the same words he told me merely weeks ago in my kitchen and a single tear dropped from my eyes, slowly sliding down my cheek. _He loves me. He loves me. HE LOVES ME!_

"Derek..." _Damn his McDreaminess and his perfect words. I can't reply anything!_

"We can be together, if you want to."

"We can't"

"Of course we can" My sigh became a sob and he immediately wrapped me in his steady arms, holding me tightly. He sat a little higher, leaning his back against the headboard, gently cradling me on his lap, my tearing face rested comfortably on his chest as he kindly stroked my hair, his fingers grazing my arms.

"I'm an intern" I babbled, my voice an inaudible whisper, even if my sobs were slowly becoming quiet whimpers.

"I don't care. I can take all the blame"

"I don't want to hide anymore, Derek. I don't want to be your shadow. I was my mother's shadow, I want to be me." I wiped away my tears, a sudden confidence in my unsteady voice "We can't be together because you're like God with a scalpel and I'm the bottom of the surgical chain," he surprisingly laughed. _He burst into laughter when I was breaking down in front of him, revealing my worst fears. Are you seriously kidding me, Derek Christopher Shepherd?_ I smacked his arm and he laughed harder, almost in tears, the corner of my mouth shaping a smile without my consent. I hit him again, but he was oblivious, the fit of laughter still untamed.

"I'm sorry. Nobody ever called an intern the bottom of the surgical chain, it's hilarious, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he kept laughing and, somehow, I went along with him, because his laugh was something else and I couldn't resist it.

"Derek, I'm serious" he sighed, recomposing a little.

"I know. I'm not gonna play favoritism and you don't have to be my shadow."

"I can't deal with everything anymore"

"I'm sorry for the everything. I should have done a lot of things differently. I'm so sorry" He wasn't smiling anymore, he was calm and steady, his words true, his apologies sincere. His lips found my temple and he lingered there for a very long second. Each gesture was measured, unhurried. We were savouring our time together, enjoying every single moment of our closeness.

"I want us to be together" I finally whispered, so low I didn't even know he heard above the thunders that were still blasting outside.

"We can make it work. We will, I promise"

He smiled and my world suddenly was all I ever dreamt of. For a split second again, everything was perfect. I brought my hand to my belly, needing some connection to believe that everything was real. Derek's hand landed over mine in a smooth gesture, his thumb rubbing small circles on my skin, our fingers intertwined.

"I won't trade your Mommy for anything in the world" Derek said, crouching to leave a tiny kiss above our tied hands.

"I love you Derek"

"I love you too, very much."

"We are together" I needed to say it again, because a couple of weeks ago seemed impossible.

"Yes, we are. And we are having a baby" his voice welled with emotion

"Yeah, we're having a baby" I kissed him again, softly. He kissed me back, almost unnoticeable, then he pulled away and looked at me with his happy, twinkling eyes and I would have melted right there if he wasn't holding me in his arms. He pumped his lips to mine again, a small smile always there. When his fingers found the hem of my t-shirt and sneaked up following my spine, I shivered and I was already a goner, lost in our bliss, captivated by his magical hands. His mouth moved slowly down my chin along my jaw, founding finally my collarbone. My hand moved under his t-shirt as well, enjoying every muscle on his back, feeling his spine under my touch. Our gazes locked and I could be swallowed by the deep, lusty, dark blue of his. He pulled off my shirt, then stared at me for a second, his eyes capturing every single feature of my chest. I took his shirt off and marvelled at the sight, just like him.

"I missed you" we said, almost simultaneously. He grinned widely, realizing that our thoughts were directed to the same direction. I kissed him again, enjoy his presence there, before loosening his belt and dropping his jeans on the floor.

_He is here. We are together_.

**AN: She told him! Finally, you'd say...I know I needed 9 chapters for that, but I hope it was worth the waiting. **

**This was supposed to be the end of everything, the final chapter, some kind of conclusion to let your fantasy wander freely. Tell me if you want more, I still have something up my sleeve for you, I need your opinion...**

**That Bailey's statement about the "bottom of the surgical chain" always cracked me up, so I needed Mer to say it somehow, also to remind you how much influence has Bailey on her interns. I love her. **

**By the way, this was THE chapter: he loves her, he's happy about the baby, they can be happy together. I'm sorry if I used the upper-case, I needed to emphasize the idea.**

**Thank you for sticking with me and my ramblings till this point, speak up if you want more!**


	10. Pack Up, I've Strayed Enough

**The chapter picks up right exactly where we have left Meredith and Derek, if you don't remember the last chapter maybe it's better to refresh your memory reading it again, it's been a while from the last update, I know, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. It has been hectic at school and I barely had time to make it home and juggle between school and stuff. This fiction was born practically in my Christmas break, and now I found another possible conclusion, so I just need to write the two/three remaining chapters. I already have some back up written to go on quite smoothly, but I won't be posting practically daily as I did before. It won't be a long fiction though, around 20 chapters and I'm quite sure I won't make a sequel.**

**Back to the story, this chapter 10 is titled after Maps, by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. They've been quite inspirational lately. I suggest you to listen to the acoustic version as well, it's dazzling. Lyrics don't fit, but it's the line that matters. **

**Thank you for reading this despite the delayed chapter. Enjoy and review, as always!**

**Chapter 10 – Pack Up, I've Strayed Enough**

Waking up, I felt the light weight of my sheets and quilt over my body. My naked body. An arm clung at my waist, pulling me closer to another naked body. _Derek_. His hand fell graciously over my belly and in a split second everything that happened last night rushed out of the fog of my just-woken mind. I slightly turned to look at his form, careful not to wake him: his disheveled hair laid scattered on his pillow, his shoulder blades peeking from the sheets as he was lying on his belly, a peaceful grin on his face. When I moved, his hold tightened on my waist and he pulled me even closer, placing a soft kiss on my shoulder, his eyes still shut. I smiled, then closed my eyes again, drifting off to sleep in his safe arms. I could finally sleep, because he was there, next to me. _He was there_.

When my eyes opened again, outside it was way lighter than before, a shy sun peeking from the blinds. His arms weren't wrapped around me anymore, so I looked around and I saw him standing shirtless in front of the dresser, his face turned away from me, carefully lifting up my clothes.

"Hey" I mumbled, my voice filled with sleep

He immediately turned with a smile "Hey, I'm sorry, I didn't wanted to wake you up, I was looking for a clean t-shirt. I'm sure I left something else here" he closed the distance between us with a soft kiss, smiling "Good morning"

I returned his kiss, tangling my hands to the locks on the back of his head. _God it seemed almost domestic_.

"Aren't you off today?" I asked, when I pulled away.

"I'm just heading to the hospital to check on my patients, I needed to go to the trailer to pick up some stuff anyway"

"You plan on staying?" I didn't know if I really heard that or it was just my sleepy head that was messing up with me. I stared at him wide-eyed.

"I promised" he smirked, tapping my nose with his finger playfully. I smiled back. _He's staying. He wants to be here_.

"You're moving in?" _What kind of question is that?_

"I can, if you want"

I scanned his features and, despite the fact that we got back together less than twelve hours ago, nothing seemed wrong in his request.

"I can stay here when you are home and at the trailer when you are on call" added, sensing my doubts. _Home, he said home!_

"Okay" it seemed the most reasonable solution yet "Can we have breakfast together, before you go?"

"I already had breakfast, I was up a little early and I didn't wanted to disturb you so I went downstairs. I'm sorry"

"It's ok, you wore me out last night" I grinned playfully and he laughed.

As I started dressing up, picking a pair of pants and an old t-shirt, he finally found what he was looking for in the dresser and smiled, realizing that it was almost like he had never left. Our last kiss was on a Thursday, our new beginning arrived on another Thursday, almost as if nothing had happened in between. _Except it had_.

"I left some coffee in the pot for you" _Yeah, he had never left_.

"Derek, your short-term memory is pretty bad lately. Coffee, seriously?" I mocked

I watched his face turn from puzzled to ashamed at the realization of what he had just said "Sorry" he muttered

I lifted up his chin, as he stared down, avoiding my gaze "It's ok, I needed days to get used to the whole idea"

"I just..."

"You didn't remember this. You are here Derek, I don't care if something slips your mind, I don't want you anywhere else, alright?"

"I'll be better"

I closed my arms around his neck and I kissed him, before pulling him in a hug. His eyes were still sad when he crouched and grazed his fingers on my belly, placing his lips there and lingering, his eyes closed. When his gaze connected with mine, they were filled with sparkles of hope again.

"I'll be back in a few hours, I'll leave you in good company" he smirked

"Everybody's back?"

"No idea, but I saw Mom making waffles downstairs" his broad smile confirmed that he was telling the truth and his mother was actually there, in my house.

"Derek, you're here" I half-stated, half-asked, panic immediately running through my veins, my pulse accelerating quickly

"I know" his teasing smirk was getting on my pregnant nerves.

"She's here and you are here while I'm half-naked, are you kidding me?" I slapped his chest, but he just grabbed my lips with his in a quick kiss. I hit him again with my tiny, ineffectual fist, trying to make him reason.

"She'll think we're doing God knows what, Derek!" the pregnant freak-out was nothing we had experienced before, definitely not like the old Meredith freak-outs and he seemed amused by that.

"Mer" he whispered, a small smile still curling up his lips

"She's your mother!" I snapped

"Mer, we are having a baby, don't you think she knows what we do in our bedrooms?" his voice was tender when he said it, full of emotion, but I missed it, too worried about Moms downstairs.

"She thinks we're doing it now!" my tone rose on its own in an alarmingly high pitch.

"She doesn't care. She loves you. I spent a good two hours talking to her and she loves you. I told her about the baby and she didn't seemed much surprised, she has a thing to know when someone's pregnant, all my sisters couldn't hide it for more than a few hours." His eyes mirrored the overwhelming happiness he felt when he actually told her they were having a baby. _I wish I was there to see his reaction_.

"Derek" he was convincing, my freaking out moment slowly turning back to normal after a deep breath.

"Meredith, you invited her and she showed up, this means you like each other"

"Sorry, I know. Just don't mess with me for the next seven, maybe eight months, all right?"

His eyes sparkled with the rays of sun as he pulled me closer and locked his lips to mine "I'll pretend I didn't liked the whole thing, then" added in a whisper as he looked back to me and his blue eyes were happy and trustworthy. I spat his chest and he quickly kissed me again, before walking out with a laugh and leaving me there to finish to dress. I would have had a shower, but it didn't seemed polite to let Mrs. Shepherd wait too long.

I climbed downstairs slowly, almost as if I had just woken up and not yelled to Derek for almost ten minutes. He was still home, maybe warning his mother about my major freak out and reassuring her that we haven't done anything dirty. _Not this morning_.

As I walked in the room and the smell of the waffles reached my nostrils, my delayed morning sickness appeared again and I wasn't able to even greet the two people in the kitchen before I had to rush to the toilet.

A soft knock on the door told me that Derek was there.

"You're going to be late" I was able to utter, before another wave of nausea hit me. He crouched next to me, rubbing circles on my back and holding my hair. After an endless amount of time, the puking had already drained all my morning energy and I sat limply on the cold ground, relieved that it was practically ended. This morning it was harsher than any other morning and I was glad I was off and mostly that Derek was there, holding me. He cradled me in his arms, flushing me closer to his chest, while I rested my head over his collarbone. He gently kissed my forehead, rubbing softly my belly under my t-shirt.

"You're ok if I leave?" his concern palpable in the tone of his question

"Yeah, it was harsher this morning. I'm glad you were there"

"I'll try to be always there" his unwavering gaze told me that he meant every single word "even if I'll be late"

"Sorry" I looked down, feeling guilty "I thought I would skip it today because it always comes around seven every day, and this morning I hadn't any. I guess an early wake-up call would have been better" I rambled

"There's something you need me to do?"

"Go to the hospital, I'll be fine" I smiled

"You're always fine, Meredith" his tone wasn't accusatory, just a little worried

"I'm really ok now. You were there and you got me through this. I'm ok" I smiled and he finally believed me, mirroring my expression on his lips.

"Behave when I'll be at work, all right Berry?" he whispered, leveling with the belly and placing a soft kiss over my t-shirt. An invisible smile made its way on my lips at his tender gesture.

"It's not the first time I ask him to. Our baby will be a troublemaker for sure. I'm wondering were he got that..." I mocked

"He?" his eyes grew in amazement

"Is always a boy when I'm upset" I stated and he laughed, pecking my lips almost out of an habit, just like we used to do before Addison showed up. "Sorry I taste like vomit"

"I don't care" he confirmed joining his lips to mine again.

He helped me off the floor and we stood up, tangling our fingers together and going back downstairs. Carolyn Shepherd turned to us with a broad smile as she saw our intertwined hands. _What harm could two hands do?_

"Good morning. I'm sorry I stormed out before" I approached the conversation

"You don't have to apologize, I had five children, remember?" _after this morning I'd dare asking how she managed all of this the fifth time with four other around_. Her knowing smile told me that she read my thoughts pretty well.

"I'm really leaving now" Derek broke our silent agreement, squeezing my hand and kissing the top of my head in a familiar gesture. It was like before. I still didn't trust him completely, but it was like before. He was there, all dreamy and perfect, holding my hair and bantering with me. Every feeling I bottled in the past months came back to surface, every small inch of my brave face to pretend I hated him magically disappeared. I have never hate him. There was something bigger and scarier than hate, and it wasn't our baby. Our baby was still tiny compared to the greatness of this.

I looked at his eyes and they were twinkling with joy, despite I had just puked right in front of him for the past ten minutes; his perfect hair framed the happiest face I've seen on him from a while. I couldn't tear my eyes off him

I apologized, as soon as he unwillingly broke the gazing, still lingering in the foyer. "I'm sorry I made you late"

"I don't care. Bye Mer, bye Mom!"

"Derek?" I stopped his hurried steps right before he opened the door completely

"Mmmh?" he mumbled, placing his hand on the doorknob, still facing the exit

"I love you" I whispered, then he flung the door open and half-turned his face to me, revealing a mischievous smirk.

"I love you too" then he disappeared behind the thick wood.

"I know I did the right thing coming over this morning. Just this was worth the trip from New York" Mrs. Shepherd's teasing voice arrived in my head from a far away land, snapping me back into the real world and pulling me away from that closed door. _He loves me. He loves me. He loves me._

"'Morning" I muttered, a little embarrassed.

"So you two are together?"

"Yeah. He will kind of moving in soon, maybe a few weeks"

"Why everything about you two is always 'kind of'? Everybody has his own rhythms, there's no standard pattern in a relationship, you're just doing things in your way"

"It's not too soon if he'll starts living here tomorrow?" I asked, as I walked in the kitchen

"You're having a baby, people expects you to live together already." I bit my lower lip and she realized my discomfort on the matter, so she changed subject "Besides, he told me this morning and he was over the moon. It kind of reminded me about his father: even the fifth time he was as excited as the first" she got lost on a moment in the memories, a longing smile on her lips.

"The idea of us and a baby is still pretty overwhelming, but I can't deny how much I love it. He's such a cute Daddy already" my heart melted only at the thought, immediately an imagine of him holding a newborn in his arms appeared in my head. I smiled, realizing that soon it would become reality. _He is there_.

"You'll get used to it. I remember my husband needed a few days every time to adapt to it and kept making coffee for two in the morning or offering wine at dinner."

"Derek did the same thing this morning, about the coffee" I smirked

"They'll come around at some point" she smiled, basking in her own memories and maybe wondering when her little boy had grown so quickly.

"You raised a good man Carolyn"

"I did my best. You turned out pretty well yourself too" she admitted and I felt myself blushing, then she handed me some crackers for breakfast. "They'll help for the nausea"

"It was bad, this morning." I went back to my last close encounter with the water pensively "There's nothing wrong, right?"

She smiled at my worried question "You tell me, you're a doctor"

I smiled back, plopping on a chair "I think that my four years of pre med and my other four of med school just got fucked up. I think also that it would be better not to eat those waffles, right?"

She laughed, then placed one right in front of me, grabbing a fork.

"God, they're amazing. Tell me that Derek knows the recipe" I demanded, after the first _mind-blowing_ bite.

"I can tell you"

"You don't know what you're doing. Me and stoves: not a good match, believe me. I can burn down everything boiling water"

"I don't believe you. You can open up people and fish in their organs, you can make some waffles, come here" her gesture didn't leave me with much of a choice, so I stood up next to her and she guided me through the whole process.

As my hot waffle landed on its dish, I felt really good. _I made a waffle and I still have a kitchen! _

"I told you, you can do waffles"

"I made waffles"

Her amused expression mirrored Derek's after my freak out.

"You can make lunch with me"

"Lunch? You mean two dishes and maybe cake? You sure about that?"

She laughed "Of course"

Her confidence somehow dragged me in and somehow we pulled off an entire lunch for everybody in the house. _Maybe it wasn't me that was completely hopeless in the kitchen after all, I just needed a good teacher_.

**AN: I know the Thursday morning kiss was after the bomb episode, it's a fiction for a purpose, right?**

**I know Meredith will never learn to cook, I just want her to be able to make something, because I feel so good when I can pull off a cheesecake or whatever else by myself. Derek will always be in front of the stoves, their kitchen is safe, don't worry!**

**A little freak out, a huge confession, I hope you liked it all mashed together, even if it wasn't really long. **

**Thanks for reading till this point, I really appreciate your kindness in comments and reviews, that's what kept me going in the first place.**

**Before I leave you to your awesome lives and stop boring you, I have a question, even if I almost wrapped my mind around the possible answer, I still want your opinion (jeez, this fiction is getting interactive!): boy or girl? I've got a list of names already, but you can even suggest something, just don't mind if I'm not gonna use them. Thank you all again! (and apologies again for my long, boring notes) **


	11. Eyes Can't Look At You Any Other Way

**Sorry for the long waiting! I hate that I don't have time to keep up with my fictions, I'm sorry. **

**So, this is short, it's practically a filler, but I hope you would like it anyway. The title is from Detlef Schrempf, which is not just an old basketball player, but also a Band of Horses song. Check on Wikipedia if you don't believe it. I'm still figuring out how this German guy can be related to this song, anyway...Listen to it, it's a nice song and I love this band.**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Chapter 11 – Eyes Can't Look At You Any Other Way**

"Grey!" I heard my name shouted in the lobby and shivers ran down my spine. Even before I turned to the red-headed attending, I knew it was Addison. _She knows, dammit, she knows_.

"Dr. Montgomery" I couldn't say anything more, my voice stuck in my throat.

"You have a minute? I need to talk to you" _Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!_

"Of course"

We walked silently to her office, she was leading the way and I followed closely, my legs shaking. _She's not going to kill me, right?_

I sat on the edge of the armchair, in one of the most uncomfortable positions ever. She scanned my whole figure and I know her eyes lingered on my still unnoticeable baby bump. _She knows, fuck, she knows_.

"I'm not here to kill you, relax" still, I couldn't breathe "I was looking for a chart that Karev signed and I found yours" _she definitely knows_

"I'm sorry" _I screwed your husband when you were still married, yeah, I'm really sorry. Oh, and I'm carrying his child, by the way...Crap, crap crap!_

She ignored my apology "I wanted to check on something that caught my eye. It's not a big deal, I just wanted to make sure we're not forgetting anything"

"You mean something could be wrong?" my eyes widened, fear was having the best of me.

"I mean I want to make sure that you and your baby are receiving the best care possible" her tone wasn't cold, but not even reassuring, a clear discomfort over the situation. _Something is definitely wrong._ Tears pooled in my eyes, the tension in the room almost too much to bear. _My baby needs to be ok!_

"Grey...Meredith, I know I'm the latest person that you wanted to find out about this, but I'm not angry at you or this baby. I can be mad at Derek, but this has nothing to do with you, at least you're not the main reason our marriage was on the rocks. I'm one of the best doctors you can have and I need you to trust me. It's nothing, but it can become pretty serious if I'm right"

"Okay" I didn't interrupted her, her words seemed sincere, my mind still working out the real reasons she locked us in her office. _Pretty serious. This is not happening, I mean, pretty serious?_

"Do you want me to page Derek?" it was awkward to hear it from her, but she seemed fine with the idea.

"No, you can page him if something is really wrong" _because I don't think I can handle something like that on my own_ "I don't want him to worry" _it will be awkward on so many levels if he walks through that door._

We moved to an exam room and suddenly those walls seemed to swallow me. Luckily, she kept all her comments for herself and began the exam in silence. When the room filled with the sound of the heartbeat, all my worries faded away. _What could go wrong with such an heartbeat?_ I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sound, only to open them and find a small smile over Addison's face. _Smiling? What the hell..._

"Perfect" she uttered "I'm glad I was wrong"

"The baby's ok?" I held my breath for a second, afraid to have heard wrong.

"Everything's great. It must have been something in the picture. You have a pretty active baby" she smiled. Genuinely. Almost like she was really happy.

"I figured" I mumbled, remembering this morning close encounter with the toilet

"I'll give you something for the morning sickness" she quickly scribbled something on her notepad

"Thank you"

The heartbeat was still filling the room when she turned the screen to me and I finally saw my baby again. It was bigger than last time. _Way bigger_. One single tears of the many gathered in my eyes slid down my cheek. _My baby is here and is doing great. Our baby's ok. _

"Could I page Derek?" I asked in a whisper, afraid to hear her answer.

"I already paged him"

"But..." _What is wrong with her? Was she so sure our baby wasn't ok? _I tried to keep my hormonal outburst quiet

"I thought you wanted him here anyway"

"Oh" I couldn't reply anything more "I'm sorry. About everything, I'm so sorry..."

Apologizing was pointless, but I needed to tell her that, even if she wouldn't care and it was too late to undo everything we had done.

"I know. I'll leave you here, stay how long you want, I'll see you in three weeks"

"I haven't scheduled anything yet" I knew I couldn't ask Alex forever, but I was going to tell Derek fist, booking a perfect time for him too.

"You can come whenever you want, just tell me a week early or so. It's my small way to tell you that I don't hate you. Let Derek come next time, I'm sure he'd want to be there. Take care Meredith"

"Thank you Dr. Montgomery" I sighed.

"It's Addison when we aren't working together"

She surprised me. I could have expected everything, but not this. Not even a small grudge against me. _Weird_.

She walked out with a smile and almost crashed against Derek, who was walking in. They stared at each other silently, their expressions unreadable. The air was pretty tense around them anyway. Addison let him in after staring him down, then she closed the door behind her back.

As Derek looked up, his black eyes softened and he finally processed the heartbeat that was filling the room. He looked at me in awe, to confirm what he was hearing, then moved closer to me and grabbed my hand in his, squeezing.

"Hi" I mumbled. _He's looking at our baby_.

"Hey you" he seemed frozen in front of the screen, mesmerized by the view, afraid that he might break the spell by moving, just the widest smile on his face. I don't know how long we watched the baby float, our gazes meeting halfway from time to time to remind us that this was real. My pager was the one breaking the beating rhythm, snapping us from the staring. Derek unclipped it from my waist and handed it to me. Nothing important, luckily.

"Derek" I got nothing better to process, my mind still a fuzzy mess of emotions.

"Meredith, this is..." he was at a loss of words too

"Our baby" I tried to complete

"Our baby" his smile broadened "You're okay, right? You told me your appointment was in two weeks..."

"Addison found my chart and wanted to make sure that everything was perfect and nothing's wrong" I rambled, seeing his frown

"Good, that's good. She's a good doctor" his eyes became worried immediately at the thought of me and Addison sharing the same room without any blood shed.

"I thought she wanted to kill me or something, scolding at least. She was nice instead"

"She's a nice person. I'm sure she doesn't hate you"

"She doesn't" I smiled and he seemed so much relieved by my admission.

"Everything's ok then?" he asked

"The baby is doing great, I'm fine. What about you?" his smile didn't leave the benefit of the doubt about how he was feeling.

"I'm perfect, you're both doing great, I wouldn't ask for anything better. I heard our baby today!" his eyes filled with joy, even if a veil of something else was there, buried deep, taming the sparkles.

"What else?" I passed my hand through his curls "Derek, you can tell me"

"I think I'm scared" he admitted "I don't think I'll be good enough" he looked away, his ecstatic smile disappearing quickly

"You are great already, but if you want to go, you can. I'm not forcing you to stay" I prayed he would stay. _He has to stay_.

"I need to stay. I need to do something right for once" tears welled up in my eyes "I owe you that, you deserve better. This baby deserves a family."

"Derek..." _You want us to be a family?_

"I didn't pick you when you asked me and I regret that decision everyday. I'm not walking away this time, I won't ever leave you. You're the love of my life and the mother of my baby, I can't leave you" and there I cried. _He couldn't say those things with my hormones all over the __place!_ "I'm choosing to stay"

He wrapped my tiny frame in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on my back, my tears streaming down silently. Happy tears.

_He picks you, he chooses you, he loves you. He is here_.

**AN: ****It's a coincidence that this chapter deals with a similar matter of "You Suddenly Complete Me", my other fiction. It wasn't planned, I just realized this story needed an update and they happened to be similar. I'm a boring writer, I know.**

**Anyway, this fake scare was there to see Addison's reaction. I didn't want any kind of scene by ether side, so I figured it was better to not 'shed any blood', as Mer thought. I hope you liked the chapter.**

**Stay tuned! And I hope next update will be longer and sooner. **


	12. C'mere

**A shorter leap between chapter this time, I did good. This week is a bit slower than the previous ones and I managed another update. **

**Sorry for the yet again unseasonal update, I remind you that this story was practically written entirely on my Christmas break, I was a little high on sugar and the holidays spirit around made me all warm and fuzzy inside.**

**C'mere is a song by Snow Patrol, who again rocked the playlist as I wrote the chapter. You'll notice why reading through. **

**So, enjoy and review, as always (and find the reference, maybe)!**

**Chapter 12 – C'mere**

Christmas wasn't my favorite time of the year. At all. I liked New Year's Eve because of the alcohol, but definitely not Christmas. Christmas was supposed to be about family and I never had one. The first actual Christmas I enjoyed was the one I spent lying under the Christmas tree watching the flickering lights with George and Izzie, before Doc could join. _Damn, I miss that dog_.

This year, instead, it felt different. I was having a baby, who will hopefully have beautiful Christmases. And Derek was there. Not really there, yet, because he was at work, but he was going to be there the whole night, next to me, waiting Christmas morning together.

I sat on the couch with a steaming mug of tea, after a small dinner with George and Izzie. She was so into the Christmas spirit that she baked a Santa-shaped cake. Chocolate cake, because I asked her to. _Cravings with Izzie around weren't that bad, after all_.

I glanced at the small fireplace, where stockings were hanging and a broad smile appeared on my face as, next to mine, materialized a red one with 'Derek' embedded on. I felt I belonged to this place once again, and not because the fact that it looked almost like Santa's residence, but because something was different than before, the air maybe. Or maybe it was just the faint smell of this afternoon's baking and the fact that Derek had his own stocking, next to mine.

I stared for a moment at the tree in the corner of the living room. It was a big tree, really freaking big for my likings, but George used to love big trees and Izzie was happy to have even more space to express her decorating abilities. Some gift were already piled up under the branches, mostly something I had still to deliver, something else that I realized too late I had to ship way earlier than when it hit me, like Carolyn's gift. I bought her a webcam, putting in some survival instruction, so she could see us when we would call. I saw the longing look on Derek's face every time she called and I also knew that our baby will know his or her amazing grandmother.

There was an empty space, though, under the tree, where last year sat Doc, curled up under the lights. He had been a good dog, a good tie between me and Derek when there wasn't anything left but raw love. And maybe it was also the moment Addison warmed up a little to me. Slightly, but she did. And despite the sadness over Doc's loss, nothing could be compared to the feelings of that same evening, in the exam room. It was a frenzy of emotions in there: mourn, pain, love, guilt, connection, bliss...creation.

I stared at the tree again, the lights peacefully flickering in the practically dark living room. George went straight home to his mother and brothers after our dinner, to spend time with his family, Izzie volunteered to stay at the hospital, determined to bring to some of the kids forced there some of her Christmas spirit. And she was good at that. And Alex was there. _Christmas has to be spent with the people you love_.

I stood up from the couch, leaving the mug behind on the coffee table, then I walked to the tree touching the branches. The smell of fir was inebriating. I sat on the floor still for a second, watching the lights twinkle around the room, illuminating it all. _God, Izzie decorated perfectly!_ I lied then, my back flat on the hardwood floor. I placed one of the couch's pillow under my neck, supporting my head, then my hand flew automatically to my stomach, as every time I lied down. It was already rounder, not much, but a hint. You wouldn't know I was pregnant until you saw my bare stomach, then you'd notice. And that new fullness felt perfect.

I closed my eyes and the twinkles still sparkled under my closed eyelids, the piney smell still filling my nostrils. It was quiet, soothing and, despite nobody was home, I wasn't feeling alone like during those nights when Derek wasn't there. _He's coming, he'd be home before you'd notice_.

My thumb traced small circles over my belly, my hand sneaking under my Dartmouth t-shirt to rub my skin. My favorite shirt was still fitting, but it was just a matter of time. _You should borrow Derek's one_. I smiled, clearly picturing his amused smirk as he caught me wearing his favorite t-shirt once, some days ago when mine was in the laundry stack.

I heard a faint thud of a car door in the driveway and the smile lingered on my lips, that curled up even more. _He's home_.

"Daddy's home" I whispered in the quiet room, still grazing my belly

Muffled steps, the door unlocking, a quiet click. _He is home_. A jacket had been hung at the rack together with the others and his briefcase laid under them with a thump, forgotten. _It wasn't time for work, clearly_. More steps, then a gasp.

"Oh God, Meredith, are you ok?" Derek's voice immediately filled with panic.

I let out a giggle. _He can be so brainless sometimes!_ He seemed startled by my reaction. I could see his steady frame between the tree branches and he had a concerned frown all over his face.

"Don't I look ok?" I got along with his concern, teasingly.

"You're lying on the floor. Are you in pain?"

"I'm watching the lights" I emerged from the tree to fully see his face shift from concerned to a relaxed smile in a blink.

"You scared me" he clearly let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Come here" I patted my hand on the free space next to me, on the floor. He hesitated a second, scanning my request and I smiled. "C'mere and watch the lights with me"

He gave up as I asked again and he moved slowly towards me, sitting exactly where I motioned him to. _Now that's a perfect Christmas_. I leaned in, placing my hand to his chest and kissing him softly on his lips. He shaped a smile as soon as I pulled away to lie down. He followed me, his shoulder bumping into mine. I leaned my head in the crook of his neck, while his arm immediately draped around my stomach, caressing it. His eyes twinkled more than ever because of the lights a small smile plastered on his face. I closed my eyes for a second, letting his smell fill my thoughts and mix with the piney one already in my nostrils.

"I missed you tonight" he admitted, whispering

"We are here. It's almost Christmas, Derek" my last sentence came out a little more excited than how I had expected myself to be. He lifted up his wrist to check his watch.

"It's Christmas already, technically" he chuckled

"Merry Christmas, Derek" I tilted up my head and kissed him gently

"Merry Christmas, Meredith" he added, right after, pecking my lips too

We remained quiet a little while, enjoying the silence and the warmth of our embrace, together with the flickers of the lights.

"I have something for you" I broke the silence with my muffled words

"I have a gift for you too" his smile broadened.

"You first"

"I'll go grab mine when you take yours, ok? I'll be right back" he hopped out of the confines of the tree branches to the foyer, probably his briefcase. His gift instead was within reach behind me, hidden in the pile of gifts.

He was back in a flash, a squared, _maybe rectangular_, box in his hands, wrapped in a red paper with reindeers on it. It looked childish, but maybe it was the same paper he used to wrap all the presents for his nieces and nephews and a smile reached my lips. _Family_. My gift instead was wrapped in a shiny navy paper, with a silver ribbon and it was soft at the touch, smaller than his. We hesitated a second, unsure who should give away his gift first, both waiting the other to make the first move.

"Why don't we exchange them simultaneously? We have two hands, I give you mine while you give me yours" I suggested and he chuckled, handing me the box. I held out mine and we switched them.

"Go ahead" he smiled. _I had to go first anyway, his chivalry..._

I gently took off all the tape, opening the wrap carefully, revealing a cardboard box. Raw, simple. I lifted up the lead and I gasped: a baby book. I skimmed my finger on the cover and it was soft, green, with an empty space for the name surrounded by cute teddy bears. I opened it, revealing smooth, blank pages that will be filled soon with all the progresses and photos of our little miracle. Tears stung at my eyes as I looked up at him.

"Derek" I mumbled

"Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful, I love it!" a lone tear slipped down and he immediately reached out to wipe it away. I smiled and he grinned back, before taking off the ribbon from his gift.

He opened it as carefully as I did and a wide smile appeared on my lips as he unfolded the white piece of cloth in his hands. He gasped and had tears in his eyes too, lifting up the unbelievably small t-shirt at his eye level and then placing it on his crossed legs, smoothing the printed red and black writing 'I love Daddy' with his fingers.

"Meredith, it's..."

"You'll be the one to dress Berry like that whenever you two are alone" he smiled, ducking his head to kiss me and my hands immediately moved to my stomach.

"You need your own cheering t-shirt too" he added in a chuckle

"I already have one. I couldn't resist buying one for myself too" I admitted and he laughed "Do you think I should put the few pictures we already have in the album, even without a name?"

"It's yours Meredith. I bought it because I know I would love to flip those pages in five or then years, wondering where our kid had disappeared, but you can really do whatever you want with it."

"You...You don't think I'd be too busy to keep it updated?" my voice hesitant

"No, you won't" his steadiness, his certainty somehow shocked me.

"I'll be a good mother, right?" his hand reached for mine and squeezed it gently, his smile still on his face.

"An extraordinary one" and he didn't know how much those words meant to me. I sighed, placing my hand on his free knee.

"Can we go back watching the lights?" I asked. He didn't answered, but wrapped his arm around my shoulders and sank back on the floor, placing the pillow under his head and snuggling me closer, my cheek resting softly on his chest, my legs over his.

_Best Christmas ever, so far_.

"Izzie suggested me that you should be taken into the grocery duties" I whispered, breaking the comfortable silence between us.

"Yeah?" his satisfied smirk told me that he didn't mind

"You practically live here, you know"

It was real. In the past month he had stayed there every time I was home, but from a few days he had been staying even if I was on call. He finally moved in for real and Izzie wanted to drag him into the grocery duties to welcome him in the family.

"Yeah, I figured. We can still move to the trailer, though" he chuckled

"I'd love to, you know that, but I don't think I'll fit there in four or five months" he let out the laugh he was holding, kissing gently my temple, a smile still curling his lips.

"We should get our own place" _I said it, I said it, it's done. Breathe. In, out. In, out._

"It would be great" he didn't even hesitated a second with his answer, a big grin stretching on his lips. _He's ok with it! Wow!_

"I mean, I don't want Izzie and George to move out, so I figured it would be us moving" _making grown-up decisions felt definitely good_ "We can stay here and at the trailer for a while, until we find something"

Then he surprised me: "Let's build a house"

"A what?" my eyes wide

"Our own house. We plan it, blueprints and everything. From scratch. On the cliff. You and me. Before Berry would join us, or a little after, anyway"

_Build a house? That man is definitely crazy_. _But he was a sexy crazy, excited, his eyes sparkling even more and not because of the lights. And his land is such a beautiful place..._

"We could buy in the neighborhoods" I suggested, the idea of building from scratch still overwhelming

"Never mind, I'm sorry" his gaze lowered on our jointed hands, maybe guilty he made a wrong step, afraid he moved too forward. I've always been the one to set the pace in our relationship, from the first night he spent on the floor before I threw him out, but I liked the idea of building something together. It was just too much: too much time, too much money, too much far.

"Derek, I'd love to live on the cliff," I admitted, sighing "but it's a lot of work, tons of money and..."

"Tell me, yes of no? Close your eyes and answer me, forget about money and work. Where would you live?" his excited eyes returned. _Give it a try, c'mon!_

I snapped shut my eyes and I immediately pictured a green yard, surrounded by trees, the lake visible not far away. Fits of laughter, little feet running around, a swing dancing with the wind, roped at a strong oak branch. _That's what a dream house is supposed to be!_

"Your land"

I opened my eyes and he was carefully watching my every reaction, a huge grin on his face

"Our land. That's our house, our land" he whispered, lowering his lips on mine and sealing our deal. Gently, slowly, lovingly. _We are building a house, together_.

And in that exact moment, I fell again in love with Derek Shepherd for the umpteenth time. Head over heels. _God, that man blows your mind!_

"You'll see the blueprints as soon as I'll get back to the trailer, we can start from there and you can change everything you want" he continued, then kissed my lips happily once more.

_Best Christmas ever_.

**AN: ****Did you find the reference? It was easy, right? If not just ask me...**

**As always it had a completely different title as I wrote the chapter, but I realized it wasn't really fitting, so I changed it. A couple of times, maybe three *whistle*.**

**It was a cheesy chapter, I know, I just loved the tree scene back in Season 2 and I wanted Mer to have it again, but with Derek by her side. I added some more descriptions too, just to try some new writing techniques and it felt good. Give advices if you want to, I really appreciate.**

**Well, it was longer and fluffy, so I can breathe a little. Next update won't be ****long due, hopefully. I'm nailing the end of the story, tying up loose ends and I plan on finishing writing it in two weeks at the most, then I'll try to post it regularly. The 20 chapters I told about in advance are slowly becoming closer to 25 as ideas keep flowing, but I have a clear picture of where I'm headed so, keep sticking around! **


	13. Put The Kind Words To Bed

**Finally updating again, you'd say. I'm sorry it takes me so long between one chapter and the other. I managed something longer though, I hope you'll forgive me.**

**I completely forgot where the hell I've found that line in the title and I finally realized it's from Island On The Coast by the former Seattle band Band Of Horses. I couldn't figure it out without looking at every lyrics that popped in my head. Anyway, listen to it, it has been featured on Grey's too and I fell in love with it the first time I heard it.**

**Ending the rambling here for now, enjoy and review!

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**Chapter 13 – Put The Kind Words To Bed**

Holidays were over and a dull January approached us. Hesitant sunny days brightened the mood at the hospital once in a while, my life coexisting peacefully with Derek's. As much as he wanted to fly to New York, we actually spent a nice Christmas home. He stuck around then, being every day all McDreamy and irresistible. He wasn't pushing, he wasn't forcing me to do anything, he was just lying with me every night, spooning my tiny figure in his steady arms and placing softly his hand over my belly. He was there, where he should have been from the first moment. And I didn't give a crap about the nurses gossips about us being back together. _Luckily the news of the baby hasn't travelled around much or the whispers would never stop_.

I felt his sleepy lips on my neck, his warm breath tickling below my ear and I could feel he was smiling, even if he was half asleep behind me, in my bed. _Our bed_.

"'Morning" he whispered, his lips finding mine in a quick kiss. _Kind of like an habit already_.

"Hey" I smiled back

"You know, I could stay like this forever" he added, as I turned around and I met his beautiful blue eyes

"It's a nice place indeed" I smirked, snuggling into his warmth, my rounder belly skimming his abdomen, our bodies close. "I don't want to go to work today" I groaned

"Me neither" he kissed the bridge of my nose

"I can't stay home either. I'll need my leave" I sighed, playing with his hair, messier than usual in the cutest way. _God I missed his bed hair_.

"We're going together" he offered

"You can drive there later, your surgery is at nine"

"I don't care. I'll catch up with some paperwork, so I'll be home earlier tonight"

"I'm on call" I sighed. _Stupid schedule._

"Then we'll sleep in the on call room together" he grinned. _That was almost too much hovering. Mommy-tracking, already?_

"You don't have to, you know" I kissed him softly, our lips barely touching

"I want to" he admitted, his smile reaching his eyes immediately. "I'll fix your breakfast"

"I'll skim the eggs while you shower. Berry wants pancakes this morning" I grinned, kissing him again, then standing up and walking to the bathroom.

I had just started cracking open the eggs when I heard his chuckle behind me. I turned to him and he had an amused grin on his freshly shaved face.

"What?" I asked, as I went back to my task

"You're cute when you're cooking"

"I'm not cooking. I'm cracking eggs open. You are cooking." I emphasized his breakfast duty pointing a finger to him, then we both laughed.

"I have the blueprints" he said bluntly, without warning, taking out a roll behind his back and showing it proudly, the same plastered grin on his face.

The egg I was holding fell quickly on the floor, splashing not far from my shoes. We stood frozen for a moment, avoiding our gazes, my eyes trailing automatically to the orange blot. When I was able to process it all, I took a damp towel and brushed the egg away from the floor.

"I'll do it" offered Derek, hovering as always.

_What the hell was he thinking, showing up with blueprints at seven in the morning?_

"I'm sorry" he added, finally taking in my reaction.

We kept the breakfast-making a silent task and he immediately regretted being so eager to drive me to work as he started the engine and it became the only sound in the car, over our silence. He was pissed off, I could tell from his eyes. _I know I said I wanted a house, I actually longed for some privacy, but blueprints over breakfast were too much. I couldn't do that_.

"You don't have to look at them" he finally spoke, his voice barely audible despite the relative quiet, a sliver of hurt well hidden between his kind words. We were halfway through our ride to the hospital. I nodded absentmindely, glancing outside. My hand fell over my belly out of an habit. "I'm sorry" his voice ringed again, then silence regained possession of the car. I needed time to think_. _

_It was happening all too fast, too soon, too much, too freaking everything!_

We arrived at the hospital and I took the stairs as we entered in the building. I'm sure he almost wanted to rip off my head as he hated me and stairs together, since I was pregnant. _We've always preferred elevators anyway_.

"What's got into you?" Cristina appeared behind my locker, as I slammed it shut.

"Nothing" I answered lamely. It was clear as the day that it was something.

"Oh, it's McDreamy" _Yeah, it's McDreamy and his freaking house plans!_

"I'm just tired" I faked. _I was perfectly fine in Derek's arms this morning, though_.

"We have rounds in ten"

"I'm ready"

She scowled at me, knowing that something had happened, but knowing better to not bother me much, Derek was hovering enough on his own. _Thinking of the devil..._

I saw him walking towards me through the hall, his eyes darker than usual, filled with God knows what against me. He still looked like a knight in shining whatever, though, with his ruffling lab coat and his perfectly moussed hair. _Stop thinking about jumping him in the middle of the hall when you're pissed off!_

"Meredith" he approached at the desk, picking up a chart casually. I rolled my eyes at him. _Full name was a you-say-Meredith-and-I-yell kind of situation and I wasn't really in the mood for yelling._

"We need to talk about this morning" he emphasized

"Not now" I took my chart and swiftly turned the corner, avoiding him.

I breathed deeply _in, out_ as he was out of sight, my back finding the bare wall for support. He didn't followed, luckily.

"What was that?" Cristina witnessed the whole scene with obvious concern and rushed at my sight.

"Derek" I answered, matter-of factly. _Lame_.

"Trouble in Happy Land?"

I banged my head on the wall I was leaning against, placing my hand over my belly to calm down and collect my thoughts, closing my eyes. _It's gonna be fine between Mommy and Daddy, Berry, we just need time, all right, be kind today_.

"Meredith" Cristina called my name repeatedly.

"He showed me blueprints" I sighed, defeated. _It was too much to keep it bottled from my person_.

"Burke keyed me before coffee"

I smiled, at the memory of her freaking out. Then it faded, because it was me exactly in that moment with the same reaction she had.

"What's wrong with men?" I asked, not pretending an answer at all.

"Penises, Mer" she snorted and was able to steal me a small smile.

I began walking again to my patient's room. Then inside the OR with Bailey, everything connected to Derek faded away, even if my head kept spinning. _She's a good surgeon, and she has little Tuck. I can be both too, right?_

The patient's BP dropped and he coded in a matter of seconds. We had to declare him before we even realized that we couldn't do anything more. _He was such a friendly guy, damn it!_

"Good job today, Grey" approached Bailey in the scrub room "You know we can't save everyone" repeated, as always. Maybe more for herself than for me, but there was something soothing in that sentence every single time it has been uttered. I nodded to my resident, seeing a veil of defeat in her strong gaze, that seemed lost for a second in the yet empty OR.

"Congratulations Meredith" she said, glancing at me with something that looked a lot like a small smile. _First-name basis?_

"What?" I mumbled, caught surprised by her sentence, still a bit lost in my thoughts

"For the baby. The Chief told me about it yesterday and I didn't had the chance to congratulate"

"Oh. Thank you Dr. Bailey. I've informed him yesterday too, discussing my leave and that kind of stuff, you know..." I trailed off, actually not having much to say back.

"Take care of yourself and the little one, Meredith. And you have post-ops in room 1350" she added, before pushing open the door with a smirk. _She was Bailey for a reason, after all_.

I crawled to the nurses station, a sudden exhaustion having the better of me. I sat down, taking even breaths and eating a small sandwich with juice, as I skipped lunch to scrub in with Bailey. I closed my eyes for a second, the temptation to rub my slightly swollen belly almost too much to bear. As I opened my eyes again, I found Derek in front of me, a concerned frown displayed on his tired features. He had been in back-to-back surgeries all morning too.

"Meredith, are you ok?"

"I'm fine" _I know he would have banned that word from me, I just couldn't help it_. I began fidgeting with my watch, as long as I couldn't rub my belly.

"You don't look fine"

"I'm tired" I admitted, _maybe he'll back off_.

"We need to talk about this morning" he said again, stubbornly

"Derek, please" my voice affected by my sudden exhaustion.

"I don't know why I keep apologizing, then" his voice bitter, tired.

"Stop it, then!" I rose my tone just like him

"Meredith" his tone was tender again pronouncing my name, then his features hardened again

"No, Derek. I told you I wanted blueprints, all right, but not over breakfast!" I yelled

"When is the right time, then?" his reproach bitter

"I don't know, not this morning"

"Then tomorrow? No, not tomorrow, because something else will come up. Something else is always up with you. You're full of surprises!" he mocked harshly "There's never a good moment for anything with you!" continued harshly

"What did you just said?" I stood up, anger boiling in my veins, our faces mere inches apart, our eyes flashing glares full of hatred

"You threw the stone Meredith, at Christmas, under the tree. And I believed we could have really built us a house, with everything you wanted from freaking scratch, all right? What the hell happened this morning? Hiding the hand already?" he was yelling, then, the few inches between us making this a really uncomfortable situation.

"You know what? Forget about everything, I'll raise this baby alone, in my frat house with roommates. Screw you, Derek Shepherd!"

I slammed shut my chart, hurrying away and noticing just then the little audience our argument had created. _Perfect, now the whole hospital knows about the pregnant intern. Yay! Stupid brain man!_

I opened the door of the first supply closet on my way and I sat on the floor, a bunch of silent tears streaming quietly down my cheeks. I wasn't sobbing or sighing, just tearing. I could finally place an hand over my belly and rub gently. I looked down at my unnoticeable baby bump, trying to calm my tears.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted the best for you." I began whispering "I'm sorry. You won't have my kind of childhood anyway, even if it will be just you and me. You will be the most loved baby on heart. I can't picture my life without you already. And you will meet Daddy, because he's a good man, but things won't work out between the two of us." I sighed heavily, wiping away some fresh tears "I love your Daddy so much it hurts sometimes. It's hurting a lot right now" I leaned against the shelves for a long time, until my pager rang and I hurried out.

I was able to avoid Derek the rest of the day. _I was a good avoider, I __practiced__ a lot in my life_. He was nowhere to be found, with my relief. I joined Cristina in the cafeteria, with Izzie.

"Hey" they greeted, scanning carefully my face, almost like I was about to crumble in front of them

"What the hell is wrong with you people today?" I snapped, putting down my tray a little too loudly, making people turn and began whispering.

"Chill, Mer" snorted Cristina

"Sorry, just a bad day" I apologized, attacking my fries instead of biting off someone's head

"We've heard" sighed Izzie

"I'm sure gossip has reached Seattle Presbyterian already" my eyes brimming with tears just at the thought of our last argument

"I was nearby and it was pretty dramatic, yeah" mocked Cristina, receiving a glare from Izzie.

"Pregnant-dramatic. Just say it" I said, shovelling another bunch of fries

"Have you seen Derek?" asked Izzie, almost afraid of my reaction

"No, I can ignore him for a little while longer, he's a free man, he can walk away whenever he wants" _damn it!_

"You seriously broke up in the middle of an aisle?" _Why she couldn't stop asking questions?_

"How does 'Screw you Derek Shepherd!' sounds like to you?" my heart ached at the memory of our angry faces, shouting at each other. My fingers trailed a pattern over my scrub top, around my belly button. _A public pregnancy has his upsides, after all_.

"Oh" she _finally_ quieted. As much as I love Izzie, she can be so inappropriate sometimes "I'm sorry" she added. _It's __gonna__ be fine, baby_.

"I was going to say that the first round is on me tonight, but I don't think it's a good idea" Cristina pointed at my belly. I sighed. Tequila wasn't going to solve things anyway, just delaying them. _Denial and avoidance, I could have own a degree in it, if I haven't attended M__ed__ School_.

The rest of the evening ran smoothly, a couple of incoming cases in the ER and a few patients to monitor, and by two I was already sitting on a bed in an on-call room. My heart ached again a little at the thought of this morning and the promises he couldn't keep anymore.

I had just tossed away my shoes when the door jerked open, a ray of bright hospital light invading the room. I looked up to start yelling at the guy that I wanted to sleep, but then I realized it was Derek and I held my breath for a second. He locked the door behind him and switched on the light. For a split second I remained blind, my eyes adapting to the new source of illumination, then his piercing blue gaze began biting my self-control.

"Go away" I whispered softly, trying to avoid the harshness we displayed this afternoon

"No" he said firmly

"Go away, please" I asked again

"I'm not going anywhere" his voice unwavering

"Please Derek"

"I'm staying here" he almost looked like a grown boy throwing a tantrum, he metaphorically stamped his feet as well.

"I don't want to yell at you, please, go away" _avoid avoid avoid avoid_

"You don't have to yell"

"I will, if you keep standing there. I don't want our baby to hear us fighting already, he or she has plenty of time for that" I concluded bitterly, flashes of Ellis and Thatcher's screams still reverberating in my head.

"What can I do to make it better?" he asked, taking the lead for the first time since he set foot in there, his tone quiet and reassuring, the rage of this morning clearly gone.

"Derek"

"Why you keep pushing me away? Don't you trust me?" his eyes were almost pleading me to answer positively.

"I do trust you"

"Then what is it?" I bit my lower lip. _There were so many things..._ "You can tell me" he continued

"I'm scared" I admitted. His face lit up for a millisecond, turning pensive again, waiting maybe for some more details about this fear. "It's going fast, you know?" I whispered. He came closer to me, crouching at my eye level.

"We can be as slow as you want" he encouraged

"But the house won't build by itself, we need time and..." he took my hand in his

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere" he soothed my worries with tiny circles on the back of my hand

I felt I needed to ask: "Really?"

"I want to settle down and grow old with you. Die at one-hundred and ten, in your arms, in our home on our land, with our kids. I'm not going anywhere" little tears began sliding down my cheeks as he confessed his big, scary plans.

"What if I can't do all of this?" I sobbed. He moved closer and I buried my head in his neck. His arms gently spooned me over his lap, where I curled up as much as my tiny bump allowed me.

"You will be always perfect" his eyes twinkling under the light bulb.

"Thank you for showing up here, I needed this" I said, when my tears had ceased but my breath still shallow. I really needed his strong arms wrapped around me.

"From now on, you can expect that I'm gonna show up. Even if I yell. Even if you yell. I'm always gonna show up" he promised and I blinked back new tears

"Okay"

"You didn't expected me showing up anytime soon?"

"How I was supposed to know that?" I asked, innocently.

"You've never done this before" he stated, knowingly

"No. And I'm really trying here" _I hope trying will always be enough_ "I'm not a relationship kind of girl, you know that"

"Yeah, but I love you, no matter what"

His lips found the crown of my head and I've never felt safer in my entire life. We basked in our hug before our eyelids were finally dropping from exhaustion.

"Are you staying here tonight?" it was more a plea than a request that escaped from my lips. He nodded smiling widely, pushing aside the covers and sneaking me in, before he could join me. He spooned me in his arms, his fingers resting over the baby bump, his nose well disguised in my hair, sniffling the scent of lavender he loves so much.

"I'm sorry about the outburst in the middle of the aisle" he continued, his arms still lightly around me.

"Everybody would have know very soon for sure" I admitted, knowing the gossipy nurses.

"I'm sorry about everything"

"It's ok, Derek. I made a huge deal over some paper"

"We can wait for the house, you know"

"I'd like to see the blueprints when we'll be home tomorrow" I admitted, realizing that my fears were just some unpleasant consequences of my childhood issues. And maybe my commitment issues as well.

His smiley lips pressed a tiny kiss to my neck, before my eyelids closed and I drifted off to a peaceful sleep, just like every time I was safely nestled in his arms.

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**AN: I know, the egg scene was familiar, I just thought Mer needed some serious freakout before she could be all 'whole and healed' and ready to build a house with Derek. Forgive me for the mostly-unkind chapter. **

**Many many references all throughout the chapter anyway, maybe that's why it was so long ;)**

**I also don't know if you people know the say "throw the stone and hide the hand". I use it a lot to say that you say/promise something and then after a while you take it back, especially because you don't want to get caught or you simply deny it. I don't know if it's typical Italian, but it sounded great told by Derek, so I put it in the mix anyway, apologies if I'm just inventing things.**

**Again, I'm not promising to update before the week mark, but I'll try to. Thank you for sticking with this story, your reviews are always welcomed.**


	14. Just Take A Little Walk,

**Straight from Band of Horses' Detlef Schrempf again arrives the inspiration -and obviously the title- for this new chapter. I know I already used this song a couple of chapters back, but it was really rocking my writing days during the first draft of this chapters. Thank you for putting up with my limited choice of songs! ****I know the title is crippled, but for once it is really useful to have a hint on the chapter. I always choose too much words to title my updates!**

**I mentioned Izzie's comeback here at the beginning because I know that for everybody she was still lost somewhere with her mother and I didn't really wanted to get rid of her character as it actually happened. She's a good character.**

**Anyway, enjoy it and I hope you won't kill me after this chapter!**

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**Chapter 14 - Take A Little Walk, When The Worst Is To Come**

We were falling in a comfortable routine: wake up, work, home, sex, sleep. With a lot more in between and not always in that order. We saved lives and we were happy. We were having a beautiful baby. We were happy.

Derek came home later and I had already ordered some pizza to eat with George and Izzie. She came back from her own home, eventually, and decided to come back to work. She realized that baking was a good hobby, but surgery was still what she wanted to come home to. She had to jump through hoops to come back, but she managed to not trail too much. She would be able to take the interns exam with us for sure. I would have been very pregnant, that day. Or maybe with a few days old newborn. _God, that's scary. That's awesome_.

There were gossips around the hospital, bets, pools, whatever you wanted. Since the day our outburst made the baby public, stares and whispers never stopped, words like 'baby', 'mistress' and 'stupid' always at the heart of it. But at his point, we both stopped caring about people and we focussed on us. Even the 'us' was special, because I've never had an 'us' before Derek Shepherd, and it felt so immensely good to be in this with him. _And he was sticking around_.

"Hey!" Derek's distant shout brought me back in the kitchen with my thoughts. _He is home_. It still felt weird having him shouting at the door every time he came back later than me, like the most conventional couple ever, almost as if we weren't living with roommates and we were happily married.

"Hey, I ordered pizza tonight" I yelled to him to reach the foyer where he was hanging his coat, then he appeared at the door, his hair a little disheveled from the windy night, his features tired after a long day at work.

"Thank you, I'm starving!" he grinned, plopping in a chair across me

"You are converting to my unhealthy eating habits?" I carefully looked at him to search some kind of weird part of him that likes pizza that I've always missed

"I think I am. I'm gaining more pounds than you with your cravings"

I slapped his forearm as he inched to grab a slice of pizza and we laughed. It was easy being together, sitting at a table and pretending life outside was easy, people never died on our watch and everything was going right as we planned.

Except that I never wanted to be pregnant during my internship, because it was exhausting even without another human being to carry around; we never meant to get back together so suddenly after Derek's divorce and we didn't even have a place on our own, _yet_. But as long as we were together, nothing seemed wrong with our world and the way it was spinning.

"Did you just said I'm fat?" I faked a pout

"No, you're showing and that's adorable. Everybody can see our baby now" he sounded just like a proud Daddy, _which he was by the way_.

I got through the first half of my pregnancy without any complications and our baby was finally becoming a real bump. I secretly loved the way my body was changing, despite everything and my endless complaining. _They were just to get a back massage from Derek after an exhausting shift, being truly honest_.

"Berry is getting so big..." I rubbed my belly and it was almost an habit now, every time I sat, to brush my hand all over my new roundness.

"Did you felt kicks already?" he asked hopeful

"Nope, our active baby became lazy all of a sudden" I smirked

"I hope we'll have a lazy toddler as well" his smile widened, thinking about the future. _There was plenty of future ahead_.

A couple of months ago, Derek came home with blueprints. For a house. A big, fancy, beautiful house for his land. _Our house_. He did even added a nursery before I could say so. It had always been there, under the name 'room'. He wanted this from day one.

We needed our place, we couldn't share a house with George and Izzie forever, especially with a newborn. So we had walls yet, instead of blueprints and everything was falling into a routine.

"We should put a swing in the yard, somewhere under a tree. I've always loved swings as a kid and I never got the chance to own one" I stated, out of the blue, remembering our long talks in bed after he showed me the plans to adjust every single detail.

"Yeah, a swing sounds good"

"And a porch swing. For us, to enjoy the summer sun"

"We barely have a porch yet" he smirked

"I know. A hammock?" he laughed at my suggestion "I was home today and I thought what else we should add to the house. I also bought a couple of things for the nursery" he frowned "I know we were supposed to do that together, but I was driving and I saw a cute shop window filled with baby clothes and I couldn't resist. I'm sorry" he smiled, shaking his head. I wasn't the shopping type kind of girl and he knew it, so he didn't mind much when I went out and I came home with something more than groceries.

"What did you get?"

"Onesies. But I'm not showing them to you. At all" I grinned innocently at his fake pout

"Please"

"Pleads don't work anymore" he knows exactly how to win me, he just doesn't want to. _He can wait to know if we're having a boy or a girl, he waits for the __onesies, that's Derek_.

"Even if I cancel our date tomorrow?" he threatened jokingly

"I want to go to dinner with you tomorrow night. And I want your surprise" I admitted. I wasn't really into surprises, but since Berry and a great one night stand my perspectives had slightly changed

"You're actually asking for a surprise?"

"Maybe"

He laughed hard, then grabbed the cold pizza from the box, biting it ungracefully.

"It's cold pizza, Derek" I said, matter-of-factly, just like he used to do with me

"And you're beautiful" he munched a perfect McDreamy smile plastered on his features. _No way I could win over him now_.

He was being perfect, every single day. All the crap I went through during my whole life somehow vanished as he stood by my side.

I leaned to him and brushed my lips to his. He tasted like pizza. He closed the distance between us again, locking our mouths. He moved me on his lap and my belly grazed softly his abdomen as our bodies flushed close. He smiled through his kisses, lowering his hand to rub my skin, resting it where our baby was silently growing safe. When he stood up, he laced my legs above his hips and he carried me to bed, both of us shook by fits of laughter.

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In the morning, I woke up spooned in his arms, his hands tenderly placed over my belly, his chest grazing softly my naked back, his evenly breath skimming over my neck. I looked at the clock and I cursed. _I always needed to pee minutes before the alarm rang!_ Derek stirred in his sleep and I quickly kissed him, after my bathroom break, moving downstairs and waiting for him.

Before our shift started, he wanted to go see the progress on the house and I wanted to go with him. The first time we went together it was barely a hole in the ground, the last one instead, there were almost walls. It was a frame of a house. _Our house_.

We drove there still a bit sleepy from the early hour, but when we parked on the grass and we saw actual walls, we were immediately rewarded.

_We had walls. And doorframes and windows without glass, a roof. -__An optimistic roof, as long as we installed solar panels in Seattle, but we were being optimistic-_.

I looked at Derek and his eyes were mesmerized by the view. When our gazes met, he smiled broadly.

"You used your surprise for tonight" I teased

"My plans are still pretty well hidden" he smiled self-confidently

"That's not the surprise?"

"Not at all. But it's a nice surprise anyway"

I was against building a house at first, buying one was way easier, but then I eavesdropped him talking about his land at the phone to his sister and I realized it was the place where he wanted to spend the rest of his life, so I agreed to his blueprints, feeling suddenly safe and sound for one of the first times in my life. I felt grown up. And I really needed to grow up –_and grow old, maybe_– with him.

His dream became my dream, because I never had house plans in the first place, never allowing my mind to drift to a place where I was happily married, maybe with kids. That wasn't the life I grew up with and nothing flips upside down all of a sudden. Except it did. That night at Joe's changed everything. And despite all the crap we went through, we had our house and our baby and our routine. We were waiting for our life to stay the same for the next few months, until I'd be a resident and we will have our perfect newborn baby in our arms, in our new house. Everything will keep flipping.

"What's going on in your busy mind?" he asked silently, admiring the view of Seattle at the horizon, peace and quiet all around us, his body suddenly close to mine

"Future. Thank you Derek, for everything."

"I'd never want to build a house here with anybody else but the love of my life" I tried not to melt too much at his choice of words, my knees suddenly weak and I was glad I could lean to his strong chest

"It's almost too perfect to be real"

"Yeah" he sighed, standing beside me, leaning his chin on the crown of my head and wrapping his arms around my belly, rubbing small circles. My hands fell right above his and we stared at our future home for a while.

It was quiet around, just the ruffles of the wind and some lonely birds singing softly to themselves. Despite the dark, overcast sky, not a day could be better than that.

When we were finally able to pull away and go to the hospital, our smiles never faded from our faces. He gave me a ride even if his shift started a few hours later than mine, he said he needed that time to prepare my surprise. And I believed him, because his eyes told me that it was going to be something special.

After a definitely quiet morning without major injuries and fancy surgeries, I shared my lunch with Cristina, as Derek wasn't supposed to be working until this afternoon.

"You're rounder" she stated, before I could even sit at her table.

"You think?" somehow being fatter made me even prouder of myself

"I can see the bump from the scrub, the McBaby grows fast"

I nodded, unable to reply anything. It was scary and magical all at the same time and I wouldn't comment anything on it until I could put my fingers on my feelings

"Can you cover for me tonight?" I asked, biting the tasteless sandwich

"You're off tonight"

"Yeah, I mean if something comes up, can you cover?"

"Date night?" she rolled her eyes, but a small smile crept on her face.

"Derek planned something special, I hate to screw up his plans"

"He's taking you out to get in your pants? Don't you give him enough already? You are worse than bunnies!"

I tried not to laugh, but it came out an embarrassed smile, my cheeks suddenly heated "You cover or not?"

"Whatever to get you laid"

Both our pager beeped simultaneously

"That's what I meant, incoming trauma" I grunted.

We trashed the rest of our meals, then we hurried to the pit. We tied our yellow gowns, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Sirens were pretty close, until they stopped and the red and white van appeared. Two paramedics hurried to open the back doors, sliding out the gurney. Their voices became suddenly a blur after telling me age and gender of the man involved in the car crash, because my world stopped. I missed the name of the patient, but there was no need for it.

Everything started spinning in slow motion, the concrete under my feet suddenly not so solid anymore. _It couldn't be Derek on that __gurney__, he was supposed to start his shift any minute, come out of that swing door and rescue this man_. Except that it was him, lying there motionless, cuts and bruises all over his body and God knows what inside of it. It wasn't Derek, but that was his shirt, the man had his shoes, his watch.

"Page the Chief" a distant voice that sounded like Cristina shouted, then all went black and I hoped that everything could be just a bad, unpleasant dream.

A black, dark night swallowed me, while Derek kept lying on that gurney, lifeless.

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**AN: Okay, I would kill the writer right at this point, even if I'm the writer. Go ahead, you have my blessing!**

**Because of this cliffhanger I'll try to update as soon as possible, even if it will be short. **

**Stay tuned, please!**


	15. World Spins Madly On

**Well, despite my last chapter I'm still alive and here I start unravel the mess I created. I just needed some more drama =D**

**This title is a song by The Weepies and is a really meaningful tune. Featured in the bomb episode as well. Anyway, listen to it...**

**Okay, here's the new chapter, hopefully you'll feel a bit relieved, probably. **

**Read and review, as always!**

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**Chapter 15 – World Spins Madly On**

When I blinked, the light was too strong to keep my eyes open. _I needed them open, I needed to see if I had a nightmare or else._

I blinked again, only to spot some hospital machines and artificial light. A trauma room. _My nightmare was my reality_. Sound slowly reached my brain in an undistinguished buzz.

"Derek" I mumbled, trying to speak before opening my eyes, even if I think that just some nonsense babbling came out.

"Meredith, can you hear me? Can you say something?" a familiar voice reached my ear, but sounded still so far way to be properly recognized. Everything was foggy and obliterated

"Derek" I repeated. _I needed him to be ok. I could be hurt, but he needs to be ok, our baby has to be ok. We all need to be ok_.

"Meredith, open your eyes, look at me"

It wasn't Derek calling me, _I needed to be him calling my name_.

I blinked and I found my eyes watery, my cheeks stained with old tears I didn't remember crying. I focused on the face in front of me, finally recognizing a blurred Addison. Her face was concerned, her hair messier than usual, almost as if something real bad had happened. It wasn't a good sign.

"Derek...Baby..." I couldn't sort my thoughts, choose my words, form a sentence, everything was a fuzzy blur, spinning in circles.

"You fainted, you're all right now. Your baby is fine, we just need you to get some rest now" she spoke quietly, still checking some of the baby's vitals. The heartbeat came out of the buzz and filled my ears lulling my thoughts, soothing them. It was still strong.

_They have to be ok_.

"Derek?" I begged for any kind of answer "Just say it" tears couldn't be kept at bay any longer,

I couldn't even bring myself to think about his bleeding body again, his arms scratched, his clothes torn, his eyelids shut over that stretcher.

"He's in the OR, they found internal bleeding, the Chief and Bailey are fixing him. Head scans were clean."

I saw pain in her eyes too, before my vision was way too blurred to focus on anything. _He can't die, please, don't die_.

"I need to see him" I know it was impossible before she confirmed it firmly

"Meredith, just lie down until the surgery has ended"

"Derek" I babbled again, unable to sort my thoughts, to get a grip on anything that was happening. Everything was moving too fast. _Too freaking fast!_

I lowered my hand over my abdomen to steady myself, calm my hitching breath, trying to push bad thoughts away, but I found it covered with wires and stuff I couldn't even recognize.

"Oh God, is the baby ok? It has to be ok, I can't lose them, they have to be ok" I sobbed, burying my head in my hands, trying to hide my tears, my fear getting over the fact that he had been her husband for more than a decade and we met barely a year ago.

"Your baby is fine. You fainted in shock, we wanted to keep a close eye on both of you. The baby is ok" she repeated

I cried harder. _The baby is ok, but Derek?_

"Do you want me to get anybody?" tired to comfort me, her hand squeezing gently my shoulder

"Derek" _I_ _know myself he can't be here, believe me, I know_.

_This is not happening, I mean, this morning we saw our dream house almost finished, he rubbed my belly tenderly, we freaking made love yesterday night! He was perfectly fine!_

I didn't heard Addison walk out before I heard the soft shuffle of the door opening, then closing again and some muffled steps.

"Hey" I looked up to find a concerned, not-so-cheerful Izzie staring at me. Her bubbly personality was hidden behind the old layer of sadness that somehow had slowly disappeared after everything that happened with Denny

"Iz" I mumbled. I couldn't put anything on words yet.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, moving closer

"The baby is ok" _it has to be ok. Derek needs to be ok_.

"You're ok?"

"No" I admitted. _I wasn't ok when Derek wasn't_. "How did that happened?"

"_When did that happened, and how do we make it stop?"_

Izzie understood immediately that who I was asking about "Drunk driver. He was driving here, they hit him at a crossroad said the paramedic. The other man came out with a few cuts and bruises"

Tears stung my eyes again, he was always driving so carefully. He liked to speed, but he had been ten times more cautious since he knew about the baby. _Our Berry_ _can't live without a father_.

"Can you take those wires off? I want to rub my baby" I cried, pleaded, I don't even know. I wasn't controlling my body anymore.

_Everything was falling into a perfect routine, too freaking perfect, maybe. Too perfect for Meredith Grey's standards. Something had to happen_.

Izzie moved closer and took off some wires, leaving up just the heartbeat and the image on the screen. Our baby seemed peacefully asleep. It was beautiful.

"Do you need a moment alone, Meredith?" she asked, sensing my painful emotions

"Can you grab my phone in my coat first?" a glimpse of reality settling in

She picked it from my pocket and I immediately opened it, rummaging through the contacts. I still felt Izzie's worried gaze piercing from the side of the room. _Damn it, it's not here_.

"Can you get me Derek's phone?"

"What?" she seemed taken aback by my request

"His things. I need his phone"

"Why?" her eyes were pleading to know more

"Because. Can you get it?" I snapped

"Meredith..." I know 'because' wasn't enough. _She already thinks you're about to go mental, just give her a damn explanation!_

"I need to call his mother. I don't care if someone already called her, I need to call her, okay? Can you get me the freaking phone?" I think I yelled and I immediately regretted it, seeing Izzie's worried expression built over her annoyingly, constantly cheerful features, even if she wasn't happy, her face was. "Sorry"

"Don't apologize, it's none of my business. I'll try to find his clothes"

She clicked the door behind her back, then I leaned my head limply on the bed, closing my eyes. The heartbeat filled the room, calming down my nerves, it seemed different thought, a little faster.

As I opened my eyes to check on my baby, I realized that Berry was awake. The eyes were open and the limbs moved. I placed my hand right over the spot where the baby was resting and the little arm seemed to reach out for me. Simultaneously, the baby kicked and I felt a flutter.

_Our baby moved and I could feel it!_

A small smile lifted up the corner of my lips, contrasting with a new set of tears that burned down my eyes. _Derek wasn't there to enjoy it. He had to be there, I need to be able to tell him, he looked so disappointed yesterday night.._.

Izzie came back in after an indefinite time span, minutes, hours, days, seemed not to count. A few things really mattered at his point.

"I got you everything, I didn't wanted to search his pockets"

She plopped the plastic bag next to me and I needed a moment before opening it. _He picked up this clothes this morning, from the drawer, he was fine, he was hot even_.

The rusty smell of blood filled the room as I opened the bag. Fresh tears. I picked up his shirt and it was full of cuts and tears, but no trace of his phone, I tossed his sweater on the floor with the shirt, as long as it had no pockets, to move to his jacket.

Some receipt, ferry tickets, an old candy wrap I'm pretty sure he gave me and a little box. Blue, square, velvety box.

Izzie gasped. She knew too what was in that box. Everybody knows what kind of things grown boys hide in velvety boxes away from their girlfriends. I placed the tiny box on the bed, unable to open it yet, a sinking feeling building in my throat.

The jacked piled over his other clothes and in his jeans I finally found his phone. I folded everything, pointlessly, placing the clothes back in the plastic bag, before I gave them back to Izzie.

"Meredith..." I know what she wanted to ask, her eyes glued to the box

"I'm not opening it yet. Thank you for bringing me his things" luckily she dropped the subject.

"Page me if you need anything, ok? I'll come in to update you"

"Thanks" she knew I needed a moment.

He closed the door and I rubbed my belly again, the heartbeat of the baby present again. I skimmed my skin, remembering the flutter.

With my other hand, I picked up the blue box, juggling it between my fingers. _It couldn't be anything but a ring. A beautiful ring, because it would be his ring. His ring for me_.

"Daddy wants to marry Mommy" I whispered to the baby, still skimming gently my exposed tiny bump, almost as if it was a secret between the two of us. And Izzie.

Tears streamed down my face silently again. _That was tonight's surprise. It was going to be beautiful. It was going to be perfect. Just like everything that at some point went wrong in my whole life_.

I searched Carolyn's name in the phone, finally finding her home number. It ringed a couple of times, the box still clasped in my fingers, over my belly. It was past dinner time in New York,

"Shepherds" _her husband died so many years ago and that was still the Shepherds' place_.

"Hi, it's Meredith" I managed to say in a whisper, my voice still hoarse from all the tears.

"Hey sweetheart, what's wrong?" she immediately heard my different tone.

"It's...Derek" I tried to organize my thoughts "he was driving to work and he was at a crossroad when...when...a drunk driver..." I couldn't go on, my voice merely sobs at this point.

"Oh my God, Derek had been in an accident?" I heard the background noise suddenly stop. _Maybe his sisters he talked me about were there, with their families, having a quiet dinner_. Silence.

"He's in surgery, I don't know anything" I babbled, tears flowing down automatically.

"I'll be on the first plane I can find. Call me if you know something"

She hurried to hung up, wanting to be here as soon as possible.

_Carolyn Shepherd was coming over, everything was going to be ok. He would give me this ring. We would get married, once he'll be fine. Yes, married, because the only thing I know for sure is that I can't live any day more without him and I finally wanted that happily ever after fairytales always told little girls about. Even if it wasn't going to be always happy, I needed to have an ever and especially an after_.

_I was going to marry Derek Shepherd_.

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**AN: So, rings appearing from pockets kind of makes up for last chapters, I hope, uh?**

**There's a quote in the middle taken straight from S1, it was about adulthood and responsibility in the show, but it just fitted perfectly. **

**Mer silent prayer was inspired by a monologue of Ernest Hemingway I found skimming through my English book, even if didn't quoted the exact same words.**

**I'll update someday before the end of the week. Thanks for keeping up with your nice reviews!**


	16. Rest My Chemistry

**Hi there! I'm glad you're still here, I'm on Grey's high (thanks Shonda!) so I'm posting, even if it's late. **

**Rest My Chemistry by Interpol it's my choice for tonight, great video as well by the way. **

**I'm not bothering you much longer, enjoy and review!

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**Chapter 16 – Rest My Chemistry**

_Derek. Derek. Derek. Derek_.

I was woken by the sound of a pager and I realized that Cristina had been there while I had fallen asleep. She was quiet in her spot on the chair, by my side, reading some charts, her legs crossed and the papers on her lap. That meant that the surgery was over. I couldn't read her emotion tough, probably still half asleep.

"Cristina" I asked, fighting a sleepy voice

"Hey" she mumbled "How are you feeling?" she looked worried at this point.

"Good. Derek?" I pressed for her answer, but she just sighed deeply. _Not good_.

"The surgery went well" _We did everything we could..._ tears welled up in my eyes immediately "Bailey is keeping a close eye on him, we need to wait for the night. Luckily no head trauma" her features softened

"Yeah" I wasn't convincing

"He'll go through the night, Mer"

Fresh tears spilled silently from my already damp eyes. I sighed, rubbing my belly. _He's not dead, he's still alive. He's still alive. He'll be ok_.

"I want to see him" I practically pleaded her

"Meredith, I don't think..."

I cut her off "Please"

She shook her head, knowingly that she could do nothing to stop me. My legs swung off the bed and she immediately stopped me with her hand.

"Oh no, you're not walking there" I shook my head a hint of a smile curving my lips. _She was still Cristina, after all_. She handed me the clothes I wore the previous morning to wear, the lingering smell of his land still there. _God it seems ages ago!_

She wheeled me to the ICU, a knot in my throat blocking the air. Quick short breaths, almost pants, filled the ride to his room. I couldn't breathe anymore when Cristina stopped in front of the sliding door. I could see his body lying there already.

"Meredith"

"I- I..." I stammered, still too few air to speak properly

"You don't have to be there"

"I do" I loosened my grip on the blue box I was holding on for dear life, showing it to her on the palm of my hand. Cristina caught her breath, just like Izzie.

"You're engaged?" she babbled, caught by surprise.

"I would have been" _if he wasn't lying in that hospital bed_

"I'm not following" the puzzled look after I showed her the box not leaving her face

"I was looking for his phone to call his mother and in the pocket of his jacket I found this. I think those were the plans for tonight" I sighed, several tears slid down unceremoniously. I felt Cristina's hand squeeze my shoulder and I knew that was the closest thing to an hug Cristina Yang could manage.

"I haven't even opened it yet" _Bad girlfriend. Bad fiancée. Bad soon-to-be wife. Bad_.

"You want him to show it to you" _It seemed so simple_.

"What if he never will?" I chocked, unable to think about the slightest possibility that my rhetorical question could become my reality.

"He will" her confidence somehow gave me hope. I still couldn't believe that someday we'll get our 'ever', but at least she believed it. "There's a reclining chair: use it, please. And sleep" she practically ordered, before she squeezed my shoulder once more, she helped me on my feet and she opened the door on his room. I didn't even heard her faint footsteps walking away from me.

_Derek_.

_Derek and monitors. Tubes, wires and Derek. Closed eyes, ruffled hair, deep breaths, Derek. Beep, beep, beep. Derek_.

I walked in his room, my motor functions not under my will anymore, my brain swirling. I shut the door and I moved closer. He looked peacefully asleep. Everything but dead, told me his rising chest and the sound of his heart monitor.

_He's alive. He's alive. He's alive_.

He still had a tube down his throat, IV in his veins, monitors and beeps giving a soundtrack to our meeting, but he was there. I took his hand and it felt warm, strangely alive. _I needed to hold his hand_. I brushed my fingers through his untamed hair. _Still the same feeling_. Once, twice, three times, maybe four. His cheek had a small cut, I traced it with my fingers. No stitches. I kissed his forehead tenderly, just like he used to do when I felt bad after my harsh rounds of morning sickness, almost to remind me that he was there. _I'm here Derek. I'm waiting. Sleep tight, get better, then open your eyes_.

I scratched the chair closer to his bed, then I lied down, still holding his hand securely in mine. _I'm not letting go Derek, I'm not walking away, I'm here_. I should have said something, people always say something to their loved ones after surgery. I didn't know where to begin. _So many things left unsaid..._

My head was heavy with thoughts, the forty-eight hours shift the day before was clouding my mind even more, especially after the coffee ban for the Berry...

"Sorry, I've never meant to wake you" a familiar voice crept in my thoughts and I realized that outside it was light, the early morning sunlight peeking from the slightly open blinds. I had fallen asleep, my hand still grasped in Derek's, the other one right above my belly, where it usually leaned unconsciously.

I looked up to face a worried Carolyn Shepherd. She had bloodshot eyes and her hair seemed greyer. She was definitely tired and more than worried.

"It's fine, I didn't even realized I fell asleep"

"How's Derek?"

"He made it through the night. The surgery went well, I think Dr. Bailey had been here a couple of times tonight to check on him, you can ask her for an update, I can page her" I talked way too much, but I know she craved information, I had been in her shoes a few hours ago

"Good. What about you, Meredith?"

I couldn't lie to that woman, she was as able as Derek in reading me "I don't know"

She walked closer to Derek's bed and smoothed his hair, kissing his forehead as if she was kissing him awake.

"Hey Derbear" her soft whisper barely reached my ear. Tears stung my eyes at the motherly gesture and I needed to pass my fingers over my belly once more. _God, he's her child._

"I'll get you a chair" I sat up straight on the chair, making a move to stand up, when she shook her head with a smile.

"Stay put, I need to grab a coffee anyway"

"Rough flight?"

"Rough night"

She came back a few minutes later with her coffee, a chair and Dr. Bailey trudging next to her. She had a tired, but relieved face.

"I'm here to update you both" Bailey spoke in her confident, doctor voice, even if her final wavering word as she glanced at Derek meant that the one in this bed was something more than just a patient or at least a colleague. They were friends.

"He made it through the night which is very good. We kept him sedated to relieve some pain, but his vitals are strong and I think he'll be awake in a couple of hours. No complications during the surgery, no apparent head trauma, but we'll do a CT this afternoon to confirm it, nothing broken. We hope there are no more internal bleeding that we missed, but so far no major damages to any organ"

I sighed deeply and Carolyn's face regained a bit of color. _He's ok, he'll be fine_.

"Are you feeling ok, Grey?" I was snapped from my thoughts

"What?"

"No dizziness, fainting?" she looked truly concerned

"What happened?" Carolyn seemed genuinely worried. _She doesn't need to worry for me when Derek had just had surgery!_

"She passed out. Dr. Montgomery told me she was out for a good half of an hour" explained Bailey, magnifying my troubles. She glanced at us, realizing that we haven't catch up yet "Okay then, I'll leave you the whole story"

As Bailey walked out awkwardly, closing the door, I'm sure I needed to give explanations, I just didn't know where to begin. I tightened my grip to Derek's hand.

"Meredith" Carolyn took her chair and sat next to me, staring deeply in my eyes.

"I..I was there when the ambulance brought him in. I was paged to the pit and...and" tears started to slid down my cheeks, my voice stuck in my throat

"Shhh, it's ok, it's over." She wrapped my shoulders in a warm hug we both needed. "You fainted?" she asked as I calmed down, concern still sensed in her tone. I nodded in her chest, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand.

"Yeah. I'm fine, the baby's fine"

"Thank God, I was so worried" she let out a sigh of relief

"You don't have to" I felt somehow responsible for adding some more weight to the already heavy baggage we were into

"Of course I have, it's you and my grandchild we're talking about"

I felt tears in my eyes after her statement. _She cared, more than my own mother always cared_. I sighed grateful tears on her shoulder, while she gently ran her hand up and down my back, almost with the same gesture as Derek.

"You want to see the baby? When Derek will wake up I wanted to have another check up and I thought I could do it here, if you want to stay..."

"I'd love to" she tried to smile, but it faded as soon as it reached her lips

"It's...Addison is my doctor" I whispered

"Addison as...Addison?" asked tentatively and I nodded "Derek told me she's good in what she does"

"She is. She offered to be my doctor, some kind of olive branch or whatever"

Carolyn smirked for the first time from the moment she entered in this room. She carefully looked at me, her eyes darting a moment longer over my belly, her smile a bit wider.

"You popped" she exclaimed

"I did. Almost overnight"

She put her hand on my little bump and suddenly, a flutter announced me that Berry was awake, greeting his or her Grandma.

"Berry says hi, by the way" little tears pooling at my eyes from the emotion. _Will I ever get used to that?_

"You felt the baby?"

"Yeah, when you put your hand over the belly" her eyes glistened as well "It's only the second time, actually, it's still weird" _God, Derek would be so happy..._

"It's a beautiful feeling, every time is a beautiful feeling" her mind drifted off to old memories for sure

"When...when Derek will be able to feel the baby?" all my medical knowledge disappeared in a second

"Depends on how hard they kick, but I think that soon is the best answer"

"He...he doesn't even know yet that I felt..." I sobbed. She wrapped her arms around me again "They were...He was in the OR and I was waiting my friend to bring me his phone to call you and I noticed on the ultrasound that Berry was awake, so I rubbed my hand over and the baby kicked, but Derek..."

"He will feel your baby plenty of times" she looked at me in the eyes and I met a steady, hazel gaze, shimmering with tears. I turned to Derek, peacefully asleep, despite the tubes and wires. _He will feel the baby_.

The door of the room swung opened and revealed Cristina, who immediately turned to walk out.

"Stay" I called and she stopped, coming in "I was about to stretch my legs a little. This is Derek's mother, Carolyn" they shook hands and Cristina scowled at me. _She wasn't a fan of mothers_. "Are you staying here a little while?" I continued

"I'm checking on his vitals, I can wait for you to be back"

"Thank you"

"Did you slept on that little chair?" she immediately asked, concerned. _This was a strange side of Cristina Yang_.

"I stretched my legs on your chair, don't worry"

I stood up and Carolyn followed suit.

"Eat something" Cristina yelled before I could close the door and a small smile stretched on my lips.

"She's my best friend, don't mind her. I practically fainted in her arms she has a right to be worried" I tried to explain to Carolyn on our way to the cafeteria

"I remember her at Thanksgiving, she has her own way to see things" she smirked

"Yeah, but she's a good friend, she's just too focused on work sometimes"

We ordered some pancakes –_chocolate topping, of course_- and we sat at a table in a quiet corner, obvious stares to both of us.

"Don't mind the staring, it's me. They're probably betting when I'll start crying or something"

"Betting?"

"Yeah, people bet on anything in this hospital. Usually it's about me and Derek, we've been in the middle of the rumor mill for a while. I think they're already betting on the sex of our baby" I smiled, knowing that Cristina and Alex would have been the first to put their money on that

"It doesn't bother you?" she frowned

"I got used to it. I've always been in the gossip, from med school, it's not a big deal. That's what you get from having a word-class surgeon as a mother"

"She wasn't a good mother, if I remember right"

"She was a wonderful surgeon. But I never expected her to be a good mother after the age of six, maybe seven"

"Maybe she wanted to be better"

"The only good memory I have of her is the last time I saw her before she died. She had Alzheimer and she had a lucid day, I went to see her and we talked all day. She met Derek and she strangely liked him, then she was the first one to notice that I was pregnant, even before I figured that out myself. I'll always remember that moment" I sighed

"_Baby right there"_

"I'm sure she would have been a great mother if she just cared a little more"

"Yeah, she would have"

I sighed again, looking away from her eyes. The staring had considerably diminished.

"See" I gestured, changing subject "We're not that interesting anymore"

Carolyn smiled, grabbing her last bite of pancake. I still had another one to eat, as I bought two of them. _Screw being fat, I'm pregnant!_

"How are things between you and Derek?" she asked, glancing for a second to my hand. _She knows about the ring!_

"Good, really good. We are building a house, I'm sure Derek has mentioned it, even if I made him abandon the trailer I think he's happy"

"Wise woman about the trailer"

"Believe me, it's awesome in there, but I don't think it would have been pleasant such a small space with my huge belly"

She smirked "You like the trailer?"

"I love it. Loved it from the first time he brought me there, I love it even when we eat trout for breakfast because he went fishing the morning before and he has leftovers"

"You must love him so damn much to have trout at seven in the morning"

"I do" I think I blushed violently, because I felt the need to scan the plain surface of the table for some scratches. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

"So things are really good?"

I looked up to meet her eyes "I found a ring in his pocket, looking for his phone"

She smirked, knowingly, her hand still in mine. "I plan to say yes"

"He'll be the happiest man on heart" and she was just as happy.

"I know. We were supposed to go to dinner yesterday night, something special"

"I'll pretend I don't know anything then"

"Thank you. We should go back" I suggested, as my second pancake was finished. "Do you have something with you?" I added, remembering just then that she came in with just her purse.

"I left my suitcase in Derek's office, I'm bringing it to the hotel later"

"No hotel this time. You're staying at my place. I know I have roommates, but I can squeeze you in without any problem. We'll spend most of our time here anyway"

"I think his sisters will visit too, I can stay in an hotel when they'll be here"

"No way. I put my foot down"

She smiled "Thank you"

"It's my way of saying thank you"

"It's a pleasure, dear"

We were back in Derek's room and the smiles immediately faded from our faces.

Cristina was still there, immersed in a chart. Carolyn walked closer and smoothed Derek's air again, placing a soft kiss in the middle of his forehead. On the other side of the bed, I squeezed his hand, placing a soft kiss at the only corner of his mouth free from the oxygen tube. My heart pinched for a second. I rubbed soft circles on his hand with my thumb, sitting next to him.

"He should wake up any minute from now on" announced Cristina from her spot. _Wake up, Derek, please, wake up_. I squeezed his hand.

"Hey Der. I'm sorry we couldn't go on our date yesterday night, I wanted to wear the black dress you like so much, the one from Joe's, I'm sure you remember it. This would have been our first official date after everything, I thought it might have been appropriate, if it still fits. You scared your Mom, Der, she flew straight from New York as she heard what happened..." I looked up at her, meeting her eyes, then she took over the conversation.

"Derek, honey, I'm here. Of course I flew across the country for my son. I missed you back home, everybody wants to meet you and Meredith and they're mostly looking forward to the precious thing she carries around all day. She told me my grandchild is beautiful" she continued, following my initial aim of talking like he was already awake.

"I felt our baby for the first time, you know? Yesterday. It was awesome, I can't wait for you to feel him. Or her. I'm sure you'd be thrilled if we're having a girl, even if your ego wants a boy. I can already picture a miniature Derek walking in the yard with his own fishing gear next to you, going to the pond"

I squeezed his hand and looked at him and I could see tiny tears pop from his eyes, before he faintly squeezed back.

"Derek?"

His breaths quickened and I knew he was fighting the tube. "It's ok Derek, calm down, it's ok" I coached. Cristina hurried by my side and we took off the tube. He coughed, grimacing. _Sure as hell that the surgery scar was painful_.

"Derek?"

His eyes finally opened and they were an amazing blue. Moisture immediately took back the same old place in my eyes, before tears slid down my cheeks. He blinked heavily, before curling up the corner of his mouth. I handed him a glass of water and he avidly sipped it, his throat burning from the tube.

"Mer" his voice barely an harsh groan

"Shhh, don't talk and don't mind the tears, ok?" I smiled widely, before kissing softly his lips "I love you"

"Me too" his eyes dancing, filled with emotions. "What..."

"You'd been hit by a drunk driver. You had surgery, internal bleeding, no head trauma. You'll be fine, Derek"

"You?"

"I'm good, you're good. We're good" he shook his head, knowing that there was more, but he was too tired to ask. He turned to his mother, who I just noticed that was silently crying.

"Oh Derek, you scared all of us" she sighed in relief.

"I'm here, Ma" his voice a little less hoarse, but still tired, his eyelids closed again.

"Go back to sleep, Derbear"

"Ma!" he snorted. _He didn't like the childhood nickname, after all_.

I kissed his lips again, then his forehead, patting his hair softly. His mother caressed softly his cheek repeatedly and he fell back to sleep in moments

"Some things never change" she muttered

"What do you mean?"

"When he was a little boy, I used to sing him to sleep, stroking his cheek to calm him down, especially after he had been crying or he was sick"

"Oh" _I don't even know a single lullaby_.

"I think he'll be a little upset if I start singing now anyway"

She was able to make me giggle and suddenly everything seemed to slowly fall back into place again.

_Derek is alive, Derek is awake, Derek is okay. Everything's gonna be ok, he'll be fine. You'll be fine, together. Your baby will meet him, he'll be an amazing father and they will go fishing together, boy or girl for what matters. We will be happy._

_

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**AN: Liked it or not? **

**Derek had to be fine, I can't just hurt McDreamy for more than two chapters. Oh, I loved how that kind of Cristina wrote by herself, those lines just popped in my head (and I love when that happens!).**

**I have updated relatively quickly this time, but I plan on being away till next weekend for a full-immersion weekend of studying to catch up for a big test on Thursday. More or less 80 pages of notes just for History and I'll have Latin, Maths, French and German as well. I know, I'm screwed, that's why I'm leaving for a place without an Internet connection ;)**

**Anyway, I might update more (here or the other story) before the end of the week, as I'll leave on Monday, I also hope to have the story wrapped up and finished when I'll be back. I'm still in doubts for a sequel though, just give me your opinions!**

**See you guys and thanks for reading till this point, I know my rambling gets pretty boring!**


	17. Just Be Patient And Don't Worry

**Death And All His Friends by Coldplay, great tune but everybody knows it, right? Anyway, that's the title of this new chapter. **

**I'm not going to ramble much, just enjoy the chapter and review!

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**Chapter 17 – Just Be Patient And Don't Worry**

The room was quiet, Derek fully asleep. He had been up a couple of times the day before, just a few moments, still very tired from the surgery. Vitals were good, even if he couldn't eat solids yet.

Carolyn went in an out the whole day, bringing lunch, dinner, coffee, clean clothes. I gave her free pass everywhere in the house and, as long as she was heading there, she picked me something clean to wear. I hadn't been home since that fateful day of the crash, practically living in the hospital in scrubs, catching up with everybody's paperwork and scuts most of the time, but I was grateful for the lighter work. My cravings were the only personal need I accepted to fulfil. It was hard to take care of me when Derek was lying in a bed after a car accident, though I knew I had to be careful for the baby.

"Hey" Carolyn whisper snapped me back in Derek's room, slowly the feeling of the uncomfortable chair under my butt returning "You seem off Meredith" her gaze scrutinizing every inch of me, not in an unpleasant way.

"Long days" I mumbled

"You should go home" she suggested in such a motherly way it seemed so wrong to reject the offer

"I can't" I sighed. Every on-call room's bed was better than home alone, even this chair seemed more cozy.

"He'll be mad when he'll know you stayed here all the time" she smiled, looking at Derek sleeping form

"I know, he tends to hover a little" I smirked

"Well about hovering, his sister is coming today, she'll land in a couple of hours"

My heart sank in my stomach and the smile died on my lips immediately. _I don't do family! Especially not freaking perfect families like the Shepherds!_

"Okay" I answered flatly, trying to seem thrilled by the idea while I just wanted to hide in a closet the entire time she would stay.

"Don't worry, not all four of them" I sighed in relief "There would be just Kathleen, she's has kids big enough to spend time with her husband only and she's a psychiatrist in her own practice"

_Perfect, the shrink sister. She'll read right through all my issues and she'll run for the hills, dragging Derek with. Perfect!_

"I think he would have loved to see them all" she nodded, smiling.

"It will be ok" she reassured, sensing my uneasiness, reading me quite easily

'_It's me. I don't do family, I'm pregnant and we're not even living together in our own place, married, like it should be. It's not gonna be ok!'_ I wanted to scream. Instead, my lips uttered a simple "I hope so"

Carolyn went out to stretch her legs and I leaned over Derek's body, placing a soft kiss on his forehead and lingering for a second, inhaling his scent. Even if it was different, corrupted somehow from all the hospital crap he was into, it was still his scent. Smelled a lot like Work-Derek, but something was different. He stiffened and I immediately regretted my selfishness when he started to wake up. _He is a light sleeper_.

His lips curled in a smile, his eyes still close while his fingers found my belly and he rubbed a few circles with his thumb, as I kept lingering with my lips on his forehead.

"Hey" he mumbled, so my lips moved to his in a tender kiss

"Hi"

"Is everything ok?" he asked, his voice still a bit hoarse, but his eyes didn't missed my worn-out face

"That was supposed to be my line" I chuckled and he smiled, laughing still painful

"You look tired"

"I am tired, I had rounds this morning" I admitted

"You should go home"

"We are fine right here" I distracted him with some cheesiness.

I sat on his bed and his fingers went back caressing my little bump, a soft smile appearing on his lips. I brushed my hand to his and his soothing, caring circles stopped for a moment to clasp my fingers in his. A flutter immediately reminded me why he was rubbing in the first place and a wide smile made his way on my lips. _That's Daddy who's caressing you, he's doing fine you know..._

"What?" he asked, surprise invading his tired eyes and bringing in a small flicker of happiness

"I think Berry's saying that is glad that you're cuddly this morning" I smirked. _Her should get that, he's a brain surgeon. Brainless sometimes, but still..._

"You felt the baby?" his eyes widened in surprise and joy, the same old McDreamy sparkles were back

"Yeah, did you?"

"No. How was it?" he was eager for some more information, not even a little disappointed and I was afraid to tell him that he missed the very first time I felt the baby

"It's weird, in a good way. I still need to get used to that beautiful feeling"

"It wasn't the first time, wasn't it?" his eyes darkened a little

"I have a video, I'll show you when you'll be home" I smiled. _That might have been my best idea ever_.

"What? How?"

"When you were in surgery, after..." tears pooled in my eyes, but he nodded, letting me know it wasn't a moment we could both forget easily, but that he was also eager to hear the rest of it. He squeezed my hand and I continued "I got checked up and I was waiting for Izzie to come back with your phone to call your mother. I started, you know, talking to the baby and, well, I rubbed the bump and I felt a flutter while I saw Berry kicking"

"And you taped it?" his eyes were teary, his hand squeezing mine tightly

"I'll show you someday" _that was going to be a hell of a video_

"Wait, you called my mother?" he seemed lost for a moment, busy fitting together all the pieces of the puzzle

"Yeah, I thought it was something I had to do. She called your sisters though, I couldn't bring myself to do that" his face softened even more

"I'm proud of you, Meredith Grey" he admitted "And I love you, so much. Come here, I want to kiss you" he practically ordered, his hand moving gently to my neck and bringing my lips down to crash on his, softly. He wanted to deepen the kiss, but he was already breathless. His eyes filled with unneeded guilt, so I pecked his lips again, smiling to reassure his ego.

"Besides, your sister Kathleen will be here in a few" I added, trying to ease the sudden little awkwardness between us.

"Kate is coming?" he eyed me surprised, frowning slightly

Before I could answer, the door opened and revealed Carolyn with a tall, dark-haired woman in her forties, casual dressed and her wavy locks resting gently on her shoulders. If I was a man, I'd say she was hot. Her deep blue eyes danced between me and Derek, resting on the latter, her lips curling a bright smile.

"Derek!" she yelped, hurrying close to his bedside and hugging him. "God, I was so worried, how are you doing?" her voice lowered to a much more normal lever.

"Hi Kate, I'm here, how do you think I'm doing?" he joked, but his eyes told me that he was happy to have her worried and, despite the circumstances of the meeting, he was glad to see her.

"We were all worried when Mom got that call from Meredith, we were all there, you know, for dinner" she trailed off, then immediately became aware of my presence, that went practically unnoticed at first glance.

"You must be Meredith" she smiled, looking at me, darting on my bump

"It's nice to meet you Kathleen, even considering everything"

Before I could finish my sentence, she had already pulled me in a hug and I saw Derek smirking at my initial uneasiness. _Doesn't she see my dark-and-twisty?_

I watched her catch up with Derek, who soon got tired and fell asleep. Carolyn sneaked out of the door and I almost yelled to keep her in the room, risking a brutal wake-up call for Derek. She smiled, shutting the door. I looked up at Kathleen, who was comfortably sitting on the couch.

"So," she began. _Here's the shrink!_ "you work here?"

"Yeah, I just finished my shift. As long as Derek is doing better I thought I needed to add some more hours before my leave. He doesn't like having me hovering all day" _bad choice of words, great job Mer!_

"He seems fine with you working"

"He suggested it, in fact"

"That sounds just like my brother. He never liked hovering, but he was the first one and the most persistent when we got sick, especially with Amy, our little sister" she clarified, I heard names but they hadn't faces yet.

"Yeah, I noticed it a little" I let out a small smile

"How are you and the baby doing?"

"Great, really, even if I still can't eat whipped cream" I giggled

"I couldn't eat chocolate with my third, don't tell me about it!" she laughed

"You have four kids, right?" she nodded "I remember Derek told me even their names, but now it's like clean slate, I'm sorry"

"It will get better when you'll see their faces, don't worry" _like meeting them someday? Oh God!_ "The first one is special though"

"You know, I'll be a real surgeon soon, but I still can't put my fingers on what's going on in here" I said, patting gently my belly "It's weird"

She smiled, before continuing her questioning, even if she wasn't being all that harsh as I expected.

"You're an intern?"

"Yeah" _that's not a good question, neither mine was a good answer_

"That's why you are working during those days"

"Mostly. With Derek here there are less surgeries though, we can breathe a little. I mean, not that I'm happy that he's here..." I trailed off, _bad choice again!_

"Yeah, I get it. It must be hard being pregnant and intern"

"I don't regret a second of it. With Derek next to me is easier, but I would have done it even without him"

"Look, I'm not here to judge you or your relationship with my brother, I just want to get to know you to understand what makes my brainless brother so happy. He called me a couple of times and I heard him really different. And I beg it's not just being Daddy..."

"I...He wanted to be in the picture, I never asked him to stay, I even gave him an out, but he stuck around"

"I still can't believe he'll be a dad in a few months, I might need to come back here to check if it's really happening!" she chuckled and I went along with her, darting at Derek's sleeping form for a moment "I saw you two talking, before I could come in. You seem made for each other" she admitted and I blushed

"I hope so" I muttered, under my breath

"Look, I never believed to Nancy when she came back and she described you as the slutty intern. I know Derek and he doesn't do slutty"

"You don't have to like me, I get it, you know, Nancy was right"

"I do like you" I stared at her almost speechless, my eyes wide, when she cracked a smile. "I just hoped to meet you in nicer circumstances"

Her gaze didn't looked away from my reaction, but I found myself smiling at the sudden acceptance.

_Maybe those days with Kathleen around weren't going to be that bad, after all_.

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**AN: That was some fluff, uh?**

**Don't expect a quick update, I'm gonna be pretty busy with school stuff, I'm sorry, I'd love to be in July and free from everything, believe me.**

**Thanks for reading once more!**


	18. Her Face Is A Map Of The World

**Okay, this chapter is told by Derek's PoV, as you can clearly notice from the title. It's the first line of Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall and I really liked the sound of it. **

**Anyway, I'm quite sure you'll like the new chapter, just let me know what you think...**

**Sorry it took so long to update, but as I anticipated, I had been quite busy this week and it's not going to get any better. I'll do my best to keep the updates frequent, just be patient and thanks again for reading each chapter and leaving kind reviews, I really appreciate your feedback, so feel free to give opinions, I won't bite ;)**

**Enjoy the new chapter!

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**Chapter 18 – Her Face Is A Map Of The World**

It was sometime between night and day when I woke up, the overcast sky still shielding most of the light. I blinked again to adjust my eyes to the uncomfortable brightness, then I turned to my side, noticing Meredith curled up on the reclining chair, a worn out smirk on her face. She had been there every time I woke up, taking up charting and scuts instead of good surgeries to be at my bedside practically every minute, despite Bailey's snorting. I was feeling better every passing day, but she couldn't let go and stop the hovering.

My mother was sleeping on the other side of my bed on another reclining chair put in just for the occasion. It was good having her around. Kathleen was back to New York already, as my recovery was luckily smooth.

Mom slowly opened her eyes, lifting up her head from her shoulder, facing me and smiling warmly.

"Good morning Derek" she whispered. I smiled back, motioning to Meredith's sleeping figure on the other side of the room. She nodded and sat closer, moving cautiously a chair. Our conversation proceeded in whispers.

"How are you doing this morning?"

"Better than yesterday, really"

"Good, you look better" she brushed my hair lovingly and I smiled, before turning my gaze to rest back on Meredith's tiny frame. She looked exhausted, even asleep

"How's she doing?" I asked a bit concerned

"She's tough, she doesn't let her guard down easily" admitted and I felt bad for putting her in that position

"She had been like this her whole life, it's her way of dealing" I mumbled, reminding myself how deeply her childhood still affected her

"What do you mean?"

"It's hard for her to trust people. She had always been disappointed at some point in her life and I'm at the top of that list. She puts on a brave face even if she's crumbling inside, that's her" I looked away, outside the window, guilty over the overwhelming past and how much I had hurt her. _She deserves better_.

"Tell her to go home and rest, she'll listen to you" Mom suggested

"She wasn't home yesterday?"

"She had never left the hospital since you've been admitted, Derek"

My eyes widened. She stayed there all the time_. 'n sickness and health. Good and bad times. She had to be ready._

"I'll tell her" I promised "Look, when she'll be out of here, can you grab the jacket I wore the night of the crash?" _I need that jacket, I need that ring. _It was hard though to see that garment again, remember everything - the plans, the hit, the tears on her face, the pain- all flooding back with a simple piece of rug.

"I don't know if they'll gave it to me or where is it, for all that matters"

"I'll ask Meredith then" _risky business, though_

"What's so important in that jacket? You'll have to buy a new one anyway"

"Your ring is in the left pocket, Ma" I whispered even quieter, afraid that Meredith could wake up. Her snores were a sign that she wasn't going to open her eyes anytime soon, but the secrecy of the matter required some sneaking.

"You mean _the_ ring? Your father's engagement ring?" her smile was pleased

"It's the right time to propose" my voice shaky only at the thought. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it

"She's the right girl. Addie wasn't right, clearly" she smirked

"That's why you never gave me the ring before Thanksgiving, uh?" her features softened with happiness and my eyes darted again to Meredith, who wasn't snoring anymore, her awakening getting closer.

"I'll bring you the ring" she promised, but I couldn't look away from Meredith as her lips curled in a smile and all her face relaxed in her sleep, her hand softly draping over her round bump, before the snoring started again, but a little quieter. I saw my mother smiling with the corner of my eye.

"Is she always this loud?" asked, amused.

"She can be worse" I chuckled, remembering the first nights spent at her place, before the earplugs and finally getting used to the rumble.

"How do you manage?"

"Can you believe I missed the snoring, when I couldn't be with her? It's soothing somehow"

My mother glanced at me with the same pleased expression, sensing in my sentence how great was my love for that woman, even if I didn't showed it much in the past. _I was going to make it up to her_.

She stirred a second, her posture hardening and her muscles clenching, before her eyelids fluttered open. Her endlessly green eyes were revealed in their full glory after a couple of blinks, then her mouth shaped a gorgeous smile and all her frame lightened up.

"Hey" she whispered, still sleepy, her head resting comfortably on the pillow of the couch.

"Good morning" I managed to answer, a little taken aback by her beauty. She marveled me every time I opened my eyes and I found hers. _I just needed her next to me, not on an hospital couch..._

"How long have you been awake?" her stare focussed on me solely, oblivious to the world around her

"Not much, Mom kept me company" I motioned to her figure beside me

"Oh, 'morning Carolyn" she smiled, suddenly surprised by her presence. She didn't clearly noticed her. _I couldn't focus on anything else but her as well_.

"You should have slept home" I stated, reminding about my mother's words and noticing her circled eyes and tired features. _She was still breathtaking_.

"You're here" she admitted, smiling "We're good right here" her hand grazing softly the fabric of the scrub over her bump

"Mer, please, go home." I tried another approach

"Derek," she whined

"I need you to pick me up some clean clothes, please. I'm sick of gowns"

She bit her bottom lip and I knew I hit the right spot, as she slowly raised herself up to place a quick peck to my lips, grinning briefly.

"You're too smart for your own good, Derek Shepherd" she teased, kissing me again. "I'm going home, but I'll be back here before you'd notice, all right?"

"Thank you" I smiled softly, glad that she would get some proper rest

"I'll pick you all your favorite t-shirts and sweatpants, I don't care if you'll look all homey in the place where you're one of the bosses" she mocked playfully and she couldn't look more beautiful

"I'm still your boss" I smirked and she rolled her eyes. I chuckled and she kissed me again, before walking away.

"I'm going down for some coffee, I'll walk with you" added Mom and Meredith smiled widely. They were starting to get along and it still marveled me.

When Mom was back after a few minutes, she had the ring securely tucked into her pocket, as she pointed with her forefinger, smirking. I sat straighter on the bed, a dull ache still annoying me each time I moved. She quickly placed the box in my hand and I hid it under the covers.

"Thank you"

"You're welcome, honey. Just make her happy" she glanced at me knowingly and I felt guilty for my mistakes again, almost like when I stole candies with Mark from the jar on the top shelf of the cupboard and she caught us in the making.

"I'll do whatever it takes"

A soft knock and a click of the door revealed Meredith. She was smiling, glowingly beautiful. She was freshly showered and the smell of lavender immediately reached my nostrils as she walked to me. Her hair were flowing gently on her shoulders, her locks curly and still slightly damp from the quick shower she took at home. She looked more relaxed already. Her radiant glance connected to mine and I was pulled to her by a silent force, unable to look away or walk to her. Luckily the force seemed to take her too and she immediately closed the distance between us with a tender kiss.

"Back already?" I whispered, as she stood next to me, her fingers immediately lacing with mine for a moment

"I can shower quickly" she teased

"I'm going for a walk, I'll be back soon" my mother spoke from her place, then winked at me and I smiled. _That's the right moment_.

"I've missed you" she admitted with a sigh, as soon as Mom closed the door behind her back and she sat on my bed. I took her in my arms and she instantly relaxed against my body. It didn't hurt anymore to hold her. She lied next to me, kicking off her shoes and wrapping her arms around my chest, avoiding my scar, her round belly skimming my side softly.

"I'm here" I kissed the crown of her head to shove off her doubts

"I know" a sincere smile painted her face

'_Marry me', it's not that hard, __c'mon__!_ I wanted to speak, but words trapped immediately in my throat. "I'm always gonna be here, Meredith" I managed to utter in a whisper, my lips finding the crown of her head.

"I hope not" I froze on the spot. In a split second my world stopped spinning and the previous nervousness became utter fear "I mean, as much as I like this place I'd like to be here just for work from now on" she joked and I laughed, relieved, finally breathing properly again. _She was the only one who could make funny jokes during a marriage proposal_.

"What I meant, Mer..."

"I know what you mean" she spoke over me, her lips curling up to form a sincere smile. _She didn't have any idea what I really meant with my words_.

"Marry me, Meredith Grey" I blurted out. _Not as I wanted it to be, anyway_.

My heart thumped in my chest, the dull ache of my scar disappeared, replaced by adrenaline. The silence grew heavier, the waiting almost unbearable. My heart seemed to explode from the tension and I was glad they unplugged the heart monitor this morning.

She looked up from my chest, her eyes wild with emotions and full of unshed happy tears as they met mine. _It clearly wasn't what she expected_. Her smile lingered, taking in all my features as I was scanning hers, her lips slightly parted to form an answer. _The answer_.

"Yes, I'll marry you" she whispered, but I couldn't miss it. Her eyes twinkled, pooling with tears.

A wide grin plastered on my face, as we kept staring at each other, both unable to break the moment created. It was as if the time had stopped and we could decide when to push the play button again and restart it.

She inched closer, her eyes still deep engraved in mine, and kissed me. It wasn't deep or hard, it didn't expressed the feral need I felt when she showed up at the door, it was tender and loving instead. Intimate and soft. _Something I could look forward for the rest of my life_.

My grasp tightened to the velvety box I was hiding under the covers, then my fingers moved to her neck, holding her in place. Our faces broke apart, but not our gazes, our eyes locked.

Suddenly the box was open on the palm of my hand and she gasped. A ring made everything real.

"Derek" she whispered, her eyes more glassy, her voice quivering from the emotion.

I took the ring and slid it on her finger, where it fit perfectly. She wouldn't even need to resize it. She stared at the ring speechless, then her arms found my neck and she nuzzled her face on my shoulder, bursting in silent, happy tears.

"Mer" her sobs were unstoppable. I brushed my hand through her hair, soothingly, but she kept sighing.

"Sorry, hormones all over the place" my chest muffled her perfect giggle

"I love you" my heart shaking with emotions as I spoke

"I love you too, Derek. Thank you for not dying" her tears were running quietly then, her eyes filled with joy and not just moisture.

"I couldn't miss out on the rest of our lives"

The smile I had in reward became one of the many I will never forget. A moment I'll tell our kids about, because she had never been that beautiful.

"The ring, Derek, it's..." she was struggling to find the perfect word and I loved how emotional she looked. _Engaged_ _in the situation_.

"It was my Mom's. She gave it to me on Thanksgiving, after she met you" I admitted and more tears slid silently down to her neck.

"Derek, I can't have it" she seemed overwhelmed by all of it, afraid maybe it was indeed too much.

"It's yours, even if you don't wear it. Then our son will give it to her future fiancée" my heart swelling with joy only at the thought of having a baby boy. My hand found her belly, where I traced soft, soothing circles.

"What if is a girl?" she smirked, wiping away her last tears with a quick brush of her fingertips

"We'll figure something out for her too, then" I smiled back and her damp hand found mine, lacing our fingers together over her bump. The ring seemed to sparkle on her finger, beautiful as I've never seen it.

"You want a girl, don't you?" she mocked, sniffling away her tears and replacing them with a bright smile "You've been surrounded by girls your whole life and you want one more"

"Maybe" I admitted, wondering what would be like a tiny little Meredith running around, a small grin appearing on my lips "But the only thing that matters tis that our baby is safe and healthy. That's all I need to be really happy"

"Yeah" her lips met mine unexpectedly, then her hand brushed softly my cheek

"You should shave" she smirked as she pulled away and I laughed hard at her remark.

We were going to get married and she was happy, laughing actually. No freaking out, no hesitation. '_Yes', loud and clear_.

Everything was close to perfection. _She said yes!_

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**AN: Derek is over the moon that's why I needed him for this chapter.**

**So, they're finally getting married. Properly, no post-its, I can assure you, thought I'm still not 100% sure about the chapter and if you'll like it, it's a bit strange. Well, wait and see...**

**I'm off to see last night's Grey's, thanks for reading one more chapter!**


	19. Nothing Can Break This Calm

**Hey there! I managed to update only three days later, wow! **

**The title this time is from Timeless, Kate Havnevik, clearly a Grey's song. **

**I don't have much to say, I hope you'll like the new chapter even if it's not very long...

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**Chapter 19 – Nothing Can Break This Calm**

_Engaged_.

I stared at the ring on my finger for a moment longer, sitting up on the bed in the on call room where Derek and Carolyn forced me to lie down. I didn't complained: fighting their requests was nearly impossible when they asked on their own, leave alone both of them together allied for the same cause. My ring-free hand caressed my belly as another flutter reminded me of the baby's presence. _Maybe Berry_ _was tired too_.

My eyes were closed, but I kept sitting with my back propped up at the wall, my feet and calves poking out of the bed, my thoughts swirling around the last couple of hours. _Engaged had never sounded a better word_.

"I'm trying to sleep here!" I snapped, as I saw some light creeping from the crack of the ajar door when someone opened it. I needed quiet, more than sleep, time to sort my thoughts properly and stop rolling that ring around my finger.

"You ok?" Cristina's familiar voice was followed by the soft thud of the closing door. My eyes opened and I saw her figure walking closer in the dim light.

"Yeah, just a long day. They forced me here" I smirked, even if we were in the dark. _I couldn't help it_.

"McDreamy and McMom are annoying" said, sitting next to me "Are we going to ignore them a little longer?" she suggested and I smiled widely.

"I don't think I should ignore my fiancé and his mother if I want to do things right" I blabbed, hoping she'll get the hint. She really needed to know I was getting married.

"Your what?" I could see her eyes widen in the dark.

"I'm engaged, yeah" the patterned caresses to my belly became soft regular circles as I wrapped my mind around the idea once more.

"You're getting all mommy and wifey?" she snorted, but it meant she was happy for me. _Cristina Yang might have her own way to express feelings, but she has them. Lots of_. My hand moved to grab hers then back over my belly, were I rested both of our hands. Cristina was puzzled and she stared at the simple ring on my finger.

"I'm almost freaking out" I admitted.

I kept it all bottled from Derek. _Be strong_. He was in pain and I held it together. He almost died. I've never wanted this with anybody else and I'll never will. As soon as I saw the ring, that was it. It scared the crap out of me, I wasn't that kind of girl, I've never been that kind of girl, but with Derek I slowly became her. Not the puffy-dress kind, but the bride-type was something I could probably handle.

"It's ok to be scared. It's big. Big and bright-and-shiny"

"I know. The bright-and-shiny is what scares me the most" I admitted, Cristina's hands not leaving my belly even if I unclasped the grasp.

"You can be bright-and-shiny. You can make it"

"Are you sure?"

"I believe in science, science is certain, but I believe in my person too and I support her" she stated and there was more truth in her words than anytime else.

"Thank you. I go check on Derek..." I trailed off, sliding out of the bed

"Wait," she called. I looked back at her and I was held there by her intense stare, boring into mine to say something "How did you know?" asked, her tone strangely unsure

"What do you mean?"

"How did you know you wanted to marry Derek?" there was something bugging her about this thing. _Maybe she was just looking out for me_.

"I...I think I just knew" I admitted, still trying to figure out the answer for myself

"You think you would have said yes even without the baby or the accident?"

"Probably yeah. Not so soon, but I would have said yes" I would have needed more time for sure, but at some point we would have reached that point. I knew I was done looking around for men even when Addison showed up and I realized he was everything to me. I couldn't breathe properly without him.

"I think Burke wants to propose too" she whispered, another unusual fact for Cristina. She was scared.

"How do you feel about it?" she could get her happy ending, after all. Everybody deserves that.

"I have no idea" her eyes glistened with tears, but she didn't let them fall.

"Take some time to think about it" I suggested, even if maybe it wasn't the right advice. _You should know right away if he's the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with, right?_

"I should knew already" she agreed with my thoughts, her eyes became sad and a single tear ran down her cheek. I sat back next to her and I squeezed her hand.

"It's gonna be ok" _it was not going to be ok if she'd say no and he'll leave her. It can't be ok something like that_.

"When are you getting married, then?" she changed subject suddenly, sliding away from her own fears as she always used to do.

"We still need to figure things out, he just popped the question" I tried to lighten up the conversation and she indeed smiled.

"I'm happy with you being all bright and shiny"

"You'll get your bright and shiny moments too" I hoped, moving slowly out of the bed and leaving Cristina sitting there with a pensive, yet happier expression.

When I reached Derek's room, he was sitting up on the bed with a cheerful smile, which became an ecstatic beam as I fully opened the door and our gazes met. The McDreamy look made me weak to my knees and I brushed my hand to my belly to steady myself. _It was such a calming gesture already_.

"Congratulations!" I heard Carolyn's voice just in that moment, the first time I noticed her presence since I walked in there. Her motherly arms wrapped around me in a blur and I hugged her back tightly.

"You knew about this already" I faked a pout

"That doesn't mean I'm not happy to finally consider you as my daughter"

_Did she just said that? Without the in-law crap?_

I looked at Derek and he was just beaming from his spot, an overjoyed look spreading throughout all his features that made him look almost healed.

"Can you give me back my fiancée so I could kiss her?" he asked with a smirk, stressing his new favorite word with his elated tone.

"Of course, I'm leaving you two to your business, I have to call all your sisters to tell them the good news!"

"Mom!" he shouted back, but Carolyn moved fast out of the room.

I smoothed his frown with my lips, before he could grab them with his in a passionate kiss that left both of us breathless. As his tongue danced with mine, my body hummed for more instantly.

"Derek" I pulled away, panting

"I'm sorry" his eyes became dark not only with lust.

"We'll be having the most mind-blowing engaged sex as soon as we can" I pecked his lips again in a quick kiss, but he was still frowning

"I'm sorry"

"I love you" his frown softened considerably

"You're picking up my diversions?" That was his method to divert my attention from bad things, and it seemed to work just fine with him too.

"I think being engaged with you is rubbing off on me" I teased, then I lied down next to him, wrapping my hands around him and basking in the even sound of his heartbeat as I rested my head over his chest.

I learned to appreciate the sound of heartbeats with Berry, but since his accident, I couldn't miss a day not hearing the steady thumps. It made me get up for rounds every morning and leave his room, knowing that, as I could escape for a moment and sneak in there, this same sound was waiting for me.

"I can't wait to be married to you" he whispered. _I can't either_.

"Let's get married before the baby comes" I suggested

"What?"

"Let's say six, seven weeks. You'll be up and running and I won't be too pregnant to look ugly in a wedding dress"

His smile widened, his eyes twinkling with more joy "You would never look ugly when you're carrying our child"

"You're supposed to say that" _even when I'll look like a whale_

"I love you" he smirked and I laughed

"Your technique really does wonders" I mocked, as he joined me with his chuckle

"Six weeks you say"

"Yeah, I'll be what...around thirty weeks pregnant?" I did some quick mental maths leaving a wide margin for errors

"Twenty-eight" he answered quickly. _He was keeping track_

"We can manage something, right? Not so fluffy and long. Something small, I think I could handle small" I rambled, trying to meet his expectations

"We can have the wedding everyway you like it"

"You're sure? Because I don't want you to regret this, it's our wedding, I mean..."

"I'm not going to regret any second of our wedding" he smirked, amused, kissing the top of my head and sliding his fingers down my spine. I shivered.

"You're ok with small?" I stressed the thought again

"I'm excited for small" I looked up to meet his eyes, but there were no shadows of doubts.

"So, we'll have your mother, your sisters, Cristina, George, Izzie, Alex...Bailey maybe?"

"Yeah. I think that Richard might want to be there too"

"I don't mind it. Not as much as I thought I would anyway" I bit my lip, thinking back at his affair with my mother.

_My mother wasn't going to be there_.

"What?" he immediately noticed my sudden mood-change.

"Nothing." I avoided going to the topic of my mother once again "Who else? Joe, maybe? Joe has to be there. I think he might bring his boyfriend too"

"Joe is a milestone of our relationship, you're right" he smirked

"Oh, stop mocking. I can't even toast properly!" I giggled, but he became serious again

"You're sure you don't want to wait?"

"I would get married today, Derek. I don't care about the ceremony or the reception, I care about you being my husband before this baby will be out of there and running around" I was surprised by my own words just like him.

"I love you" he whispered and it was the only thing I needed to know that he understood perfectly. Wedding or not, we were going to be okay, great even.

"I love you too"

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**AN: Okay, I made some quick plans and somehow explored the original storyline with Cristina. I really love their friendship by the way and I noticed I've put just too few scenes of the two of them. Mer needed someone to think over and ramble about this engagement, despite she knew beforehand it was going to happen. **

**Anyway, I hope to update again before Friday, when I'll be off to Munich (yay!) for a school trip. I won't upload till later Wednesday as we'll come home early in the morning after spending an entire night on a train (and four whole days in Beer Heaven). I'll do my best to update soon, though.**

**Thanks for reading this chapter and giving me your opinions!**


	20. Love Show

**I know it's been a while, but I've just spent five intense days in Munich and I still have to recover. I know I waited some time to update, I'm sorry. The story is officially finished, now I just have to publish all the chapters left. **

**Anyway, I was a little unsure about the title for this chapter, but I finally decided for the namesake song by Skye. It's such a beautiful tune I'm sure everybody has heard it.**

**I noticed a lack of reviews lately, but I see the same amount of visitors, so I just hope that this story is not getting too boring for you.**

**Cutting the rambling, here's the new chapter, it might be a little bit of a filler, but I hope it is a cute filler. Enjoy!

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**Chapter 20 – Love Show**

Derek was going to get discharged the following day and I finally went home for more than the span of a shower. As I walked in the kitchen to grab something to eat, I found Izzie with stacks of magazines scattered on the table, flipping through them feverishly. I hoped they were surgical, but she wasn't Cristina.

"What are you doing?" I asked, a bit afraid of the answer

"Looking for ideas for your wedding" she answered, as it was the most obvious answer.

"She'd been like this for days" George's voice surprised me from behind my back, bringing me back to reality from Izzie's Fantasyland. I sighed loudly and George just shook his head, amused.

"It's a small wedding, we don't need much of that stuff, Iz"

"I'm your bridesmaid with Cristina, and she's not doing anything!" exclaimed

"Because I've never asked her to. Or you"

"It's implied in the job"

She was in her crazy baking mood, this time with decorations and flowers. _A hand wasn't going to be that bad, in the end_. My feet were arguing to just lie down and sleep, while my stomach protested for some pizza.

"I can't believe you want to organize a wedding in less than six weeks" she mumbled by herself

"I will be twenty-eight weeks pregnant that day, Iz!" I snapped and George chuckled

"She has a point" he whispered, then walked out still amused.

"We are going to look for dresses tomorrow, before they discharge Dr...Derek"

She had this little habit to address him on a first name basis outside the hospital as we announced our wedding, like it was implied he was family now. _I loved it_.

"Cristina is going to kill you"

In fact, Cristina was more than mad as we entered the shop the following morning and she was overwhelmed by wedding dresses. Everywhere, every color.

"Don't you dare make me wear pink or you're not walking down that aisle" she hissed and I chuckled at her harmless threat.

I walked through beautiful, fancy gowns, not really looking at them, just enjoying the feeling of getting married.

"Can I help you?" a kind voice asked. I looked up to find the shop assistant in front of me with a genuine grin.

"I'm looking for something simple" I didn't really know where to start

"Color?"

"Definitely not white, but something not so distant from it"

She guided me far from the busy aisle I was immersed into to a quieter one, with much less showy dresses. Izzie frowned a little, but Cristina seemed to appreciate.

The woman showed me dozens of combinations, but nothing seemed to be perfect. Then, a simple ivory gown with the right amount of displayed cleavage and plain, mid-sized straps, appeared from the mass. As I tried it on, it looked so perfect: the almost invisible blue embroideries on the silky fabric around my rounder abdomen; the long gown but no trail; my bigger boobs covered nicely, even if the bump was showing more than usual already.

"Wow Mer" sighed Izzie. I knew it was hard for her, bringing back memories of Denny and what it could have been, but yet things with Alex were going to the right direction and she seemed genuinely happy, despite the small tears shimmering in her eyes.

I smoothed the soft fabric over my body and bump, tracing small circles on in as I looked in the mirror.

"I like it" it was Cristina first positive comment since we walked in the shop

"It's perfect" I whispered.

"We can have a dress fitting a couple of days before the ceremony, I suppose your baby bump is not going to stop growing to fit in a gown, uh?" the assistant said

"Not if she's smart enough" I smirked

"Oh, you're having a girl?" she asked with a smile both Cristina and Izzie's eyes widened in surprise

"No, I'm just hoping it's a girl because a boy could never stand all of this, even if he's safely tucked in here" I joked patting the bump

They all laughed, then we moved to the bridesmaids dresses, where we opted for matching midnight blue, silky dresses, simple just like my gown. Cristina was relieved as I completely skipped the whole pink aisle, with much disappointment from both Izzie and the assistant.

As I went back to Derek's room, he was standing over the bed, shoving some things into his bag. He seemed to feel really better, even if he still had some cuts and bruises and a scar that needed to heal, together with a strict diet to follow.

"Hey" I walked closer and placed an hand on his shoulder then a kiss to his cheek, stretching on the tip of my toes.

"How was dress hunting?"

"I found it. I'm sorry your mother couldn't be there because she had to baby-sit you" I mocked and he chuckled "She'll be there at the last fitting, right?"

"Actually I plan on staying here for a little while, if you don't mind" Carolyn's voice startled us and we both turned towards her, a weird grin materializing on Derek's face.

"It just seems so pointless being back in such short time" she smirked. _She would have been a huge help for sure_.

"It's great" I replied even before Derek, who was still stunned by the revelation.

"Okay, then" she smiled, then zipped Derek's bag. "Ready to go home?" asked then, noticing well the way we were clinging to each other. He nodded, then a broad smile finally crept on his lips and I sighed in relief.

I let Carolyn drive us home, as I showed her the right turns while sitting on the backseat with Derek. He didn't seemed much comfortable, but I wanted to curl up with him someplace else than the hospital bed and he wasn't really complaining.

"The building company said that the house is practically ready. They called this morning" he whispered, trying to remain out of his mother's earshot.

"Seriously?" my muffled shriek made Carolyn glance at us in the rear-view mirror with a smile.

"When I'll feel better we should go there and maybe go out and start shopping for furniture" he suggested

"We should choose how to paint the walls first, which hardwood floors to install, tiles in the kitchen and bathroom" I began rambling and he shut me with a kiss.

"I'm not gonna be at work for at least two more weeks, I'll look around and I'll tell you my choices when you come back, ok?"

"Okay" I sighed, realizing that hormones had the best of me

"I can't wait to see it finished" he beamed, glancing outside the window. I snuggled a little closer to him and I smiled back. _I can't wait too_.

Carolyn seemed to have quite memorized the ride from the hospital to my mother's old house, so I just closed my eyes, enjoying Derek's warm body finally curled up with mine and I dozed off until one of his soft kisses over my forehead woke me up.

"We are home" he said, his face immediately lightening up at the mere words.

"Home" I echoed.

We had dinner all together, Carolyn fitting in just like she belonged there.

"Aren't my sisters going to miss you?" asked Derek, finishing his soup, one of the few things he was allowed to eat.

"They have each other. And they are big enough to survive without me." She smirked "My son and his family need me and I stay where I'm needed"

_Carolyn said family_. I shivered and grasped Derek's hand under the table. He squeezed gently and smiled widely, turning to face me.

"We are going to move out of here soon Carolyn, but you can stay how long you want" I added

"Move out to the new home?"

"Yeah, they said it will be ready in two weeks the most" Derek grinned. That house was his baby as I grew ours in my womb. And he did a wonderful job.

"I'm keeping the house for my roommates, maybe I'll sell it to them, but I'm sure they'll let you stay as we're moving out things"

"I can help, if you need" she offered

"The only help I need is to be free for a dress fitting in six weeks" I smiled widely and she immediately placed the pieces together. Derek's hold on my hand tightened and his eyes sparkled.

"God, you're getting married in six weeks?" she widened her eyes in surprise

"Yeah, we figured neither of us wanted to wait" grinned Derek

"Of course I'm going to be there for you Meredith!"

"Thank you" my eyes watered just at the thought, even if I knew already that she was going to be there, hearing it did weird things to my hormones.

As I looked at Derek, his grin faded for a moment, replaced by a neutral, tired expression. It had been a long day for him.

"I think I'm going to lie down a little" he announced

"Need some help with anything?" I asked

"Nope, stay put and chat with Mom" he curled the corner of his lips in a tired grin, then stood up and walked out slowly.

I started gathering the dishes and cleaning the table as Carolyn soft voice restarted the conversation, even if she didn't say what I was expecting

"Go, I can take care of it"

"Carolyn, seriously, Izzie and George would be home soon and..."

"I'll greet them and I'll tell you are in bed already" she cut me off

"Let me help with those things"

"No, you go lie down with Derek and snuggle in your own bed, you both deserve it" she wasn't going to back off easily, so I just agreed with her and I left the room with a genuine smile.

"Okay, your Mom sent me up here" I shouted from the stairs and I heard just a small, distant "Mer" in return. _Not good_.

"Derek?" I shouted again, as I didn't find him in the bedroom.

I looked around and I saw a sliver of light coming out of the ajar bathroom door. I knocked and, as I didn't heard any answer, I opened the door, finding him sitting on the floor next to the toilet. It would have looked familiar, if it was me curled up there and we went months backwards, while I puked regularly every morning.

He was pale, holding his face in his hand, his hair disheveled and his t-shirt a bit sweaty and crumpled.

"Der, you ok?" _stupid question_

"I think my stomach didn't appreciated the soup as the rest of my body" he concluded in a hoarse voice, still trying to lighten up the situation. I sat next to him Indian style on the cold tiles and I rubbed his back in circles, like he did with me when my morning sickness was knocking me down.

"I'm sorry. Feeling any better now?"

"A little" he didn't met my eyes once. He was ashamed of being weak, I knew it. He never wanted help as he was recovering in the hospital, sometimes pushing himself a little too much to be the strong, independent guy who beats the odds and recovers in a blink.

"We'll sit here as long as you feel sick, ok? It's my way to repay you from all the times you've done this with me"

"It was a pleasure" his voice still a guttural whisper

"Same goes for me"

He finally looked up and a small smile lightened up a little his pale features.

_Our 'in sickness and health' was already operative, apparently_.

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**AN: I won't give you hints but the story is wrapping up, you see. I feel kind of sad that is almost finished, so I'm asking you if you would like a sequel or not, it all depends on how busy I'm going to be anyway.**

**Apart from that, I hope you enjoyed this long-awaited chapter.**

**AN 2: I'm sending my thoughts to all the people in Japan who are now struggling because of the earthquake and the tsunami, you are in my prayers.**


	21. Something Borrowed, Something Blue

**This chapter is a bit of an experiment, I wanted to try something new to freshen up a chapter that has been written in hundreds of versions, so I decided to use flashbacks, the present tense is a spur of the moment as well. They are the long part in italics, while the short sentences are still the same as before, Mer's head.**

**I'm writing from my new laptop and it feels pretty cool to update from my bed. I know you don't care, whatever =D**

**The title clearly guides you to the content of the chapter and is a song by Placebo, Every Me And Every You, check that out.**

**Enjoy the new chapter then...**

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**Chapter 21 – Something Borrowed, Something Blue**

As I woke up, a gentle sunray peeking from the shades forced me to open my eyelids.

I blinked once, twice and all the memories of the previous day came flooding back.

_W__e are married_.

My hand found my belly as a good morning kick completed my awakening. Something felt different, though, as I caressed my bare skin: there was a ring. A beautiful, yet simple white gold band that matched perfectly the one I slipped on Derek's finger, tough mine was thinner.

_His eyes me__et mine and they are mirroring my emotions. I fight hard tears, as we aren't even in the middle of the ceremony. My hand free from his lovingly grasp rubs the spot where Berry marked its presence with a gentle kick. _

"_Meredith, __I give you this ring," __he begins, with a shaky but secure voice, his own fingers trembling slightly__ "as a reminder that I will live, __honor__, and cherish you, in all times, in all places and in all ways, forever__" _

_I fe__el the smooth, cold band find its place on my finger and my tears couldn't be kept at bay any longer. _

_He look__s up at me and his Irish blue eyes tame a little the tempest of my emotions. He squeezes my hand as I pick up his ring, untangling it from the blue laces that are keeping it linked to the velvety pillow. It feels equally cold and smooth, even if it is slightly bigger than mine. _

_My hand f__inds his and our palms connect as I hold them in front of me, then I meet his eyes as well, taking a deep breath before speaking._

"_Derek" I start, but the rest of the vow remains stuck in my throat. I sigh again and he smiles, encouragingly "__I give you this ring as a reminder that I will live, __honor__, and cherish you, in all times, in all places and in all ways, forever__" _

_The band slips on Derek's finger and I grin widely in response. I squeeze his hand as he did with mine, staring back at the blue pools of his eyes, shimmering with a frenzy of emotions._

"_I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride" a flock of butterflies leaps in my stomach at the words. _

_His eyes bear__ into mine, his ringed hand finds my belly as our baby kicks again, then his smile meets mine and I'm officially Meredith Shepherd. Never a name felt so perfect_.

I kept staring at my hand, when I felt his weight shift and his hand resting on top of my belly out of an habit, even in his sleep.

I take in his features, as he sleeps peacefully on his stomach. _A couple of weeks __ago he couldn't do that_.

His perfectly combed hair were now tangled and disheveled from our games of the night, his back rising up and down with his even breaths. His shoulder blades bare, the comforter forgotten right above his ass, his muscular spine showing in all its glory. His other arm bent above his head, his hand leaning against the headboard of our new bed, where we collapsed right after the reception.

He picked me up at the threshold, continuing the long established tradition despite our growing baby, then we went straight to bed. Pieces of his tuxedo were still scattered around the house as we could finally satisfy all our needs.

His eyes opened and he immediately locked his gaze with me, as I was blatantly staring at his sleeping form.

"Where you watching me sleep?" he repeated my usual question in a groggy, sleepy voice, a small smile spreading on his lips

"Maybe" I admitted, then he moved closer to me, his lips kissing his way up to my mouth from my arm. I felt the heat of his naked body closer as he kissed me senseless, bringing back fond memories of the night that had just passed, a familiar tingle building up in my body at the simple touch of his lips on my sensitive skin. _We didn't slept much, actually_.

"Wanna go again?" he asked with a wanting smirk, almost reading my mind, and he had the same sparkle of the previous day, when our gazes locked for the first time during the weeding ceremony.

_Step __by step. One foot in front of the other. _

_The grass crunches soundly under my almost flat shoes as I exit the tent where I was preparing. All the details are perfect, even the slightly sunny day Seattle never gets. Our land was shining in __all its gloriousness. We built an altar there for the ceremony, to avoid the churchy wedding I was so scared of. _

_Birds chirps on the firs and the smell of nature and earth are overwhelming. It is still peaceful, despite the almost thirty guests that are attending the ceremony. _

_My dress crumples a little as I walk to the clearing, Berry rolling in my stomach just like my emotions._

_As I look up and I find Derek, the world magically stops._

_No more birds, no more people, no more distant clouds, just Derek._

_He holds our gaze and his lips curls up in a smile. Cute dimples appear on his freshly shaven face. His midnight blue suit matches almost perfectly the __color__ of the far away bay and the bridesmaid dresses. _

_Behind Derek I could see two other male figures, probably Burke and Mark. He decided to have him as best man again __to confirm their friendship. Their dresses are a shade darker and their ties are different than Derek's: his is a deep midnight blue, as theirs are navy. It matches his eyes perfectly and I think I've never seen him that handsome. He has always been a charming man, but today I can't take my eyes off him. So I keep staring at him, as I walk slowly down the aisle. _

_One step in front of the other, his ey__es get closer, his smile widens and his hand grasps mine. _

_I'm there, next to him, on our land, getting married. _

_The wind briefly ruffles our hairs, his closeness keeps me warm. _

_He is there and we are getting married_.

As I walked outside of the bathroom with only his t-shirt and some pants on, I realized he moved downstairs for breakfast after another round of fun. _Maybe __more than one_.

I approached him in the kitchen while he was making breakfast, flipping pancakes. He looked sexy as hell and I was clearly still horny. He was in his underwear as well and the fabric wrapped around him all in the right places.

"Hey" he smirked, his voice deep and seductive. Or maybe still a little sleepy and my mind still trapped in a foggy haze.

"'Morning again"

My stomach growled loudly and he laughed, the sound brightening my day.

I moved closer to him, resting my cheek on his shoulder blades and wrapping my arms around his waist. It was comfortable before, now it was just a gesture out of an habit that I couldn't let go of. He turned me to face him and my head nuzzled on the crook of his neck as he flipped our breakfast with a single hand, the other encircling my waist and resting on the side of my belly, where he rubbed in circles.

"So, how are you two doing this morning?" he asked

"Great, except that we are starving and we don't want to go to work ever again" I sighed. _I just want an honeymoon, is that a crazy request?_

"I'm sorry we couldn't take any days off. I'll make it up to you, I promise"

He kissed the top of my head and I sighed again. The baby kicked and poked Derek's abdomen, as our skin were separated just from our t-shirts.

"Hi baby" he cooed, crouching to kiss my already huge bump and forgetting about the pancakes for a moment. My fingers ran through his messy hair and I noticed again the shiny ring.

"I can't believe we got married yesterday" I admitted

"Not even after all the mind-blowing married sex?" he smirked

"Even better than the we-are-having-a-baby sex" I giggled.

"More married sex I'd say" he smiled wryly and his eyes were dark with desire all of a sudden.

"Food first" I laughed as he made a face

"I feel so married right now" he mocked, kissing me senseless, trying to shift my train of thoughts.

"Blame the baby. I would have been already naked at this point" I tired to speak again, as he left me a panting mess in the middle of the kitchen after a simple, heated kiss.

"I really like where your head is" he smirked again, then finally put the pancake on a plate and covered it with chocolate, just how I craved it desperately since I've seen him cooking.

I moaned loudly as he offered me the first bite and I saw him trying all his best to not jump me right there. He inched closer with his chair and his teasing hand roamed from my knee up to my tight, grazing the hem of my panties and I moved towards him. I was putty in his hands already and we were just having breakfast.

"Naked, now!" I kind of ordered, my voice reflecting clearly my lust

"Berry is going to be upset" he whispered in my ear seductively and a shiver ran down my spine

"We'll feed him later" I urged

"It's a boy now, uh?" his kisses on my neck turned me on even more

"Horny like a teenager? Definitely a boy!" I giggled, grabbing the hem of his t-shirt and pulling it off him, uncovering his muscular chest.

"You are taking advantage of me, Mrs Shepherd?" his voice deep and raw with desire, his eyes glassy and dark with lust as my fingers ran down his bare chest.

"You took advantage first as I recall Mr Shepherd, but I think I'm allowed now" my cocky answer as the final say for him to have his way with me, again. In our new kitchen of our new home. As my husband.

**AN: Ok, was it good? Was it awful? It was short for sure!**

**I found the vows on the internet, I just liked their sound. I explored bits and pieces of the ceremony just for the sake of the wedding itself, you can imagine it however you like it, you know the dress, you know the rings-and-vows part, you know the moment Meredith walked in, I think is more than complete. Stay tuned for a quick peek into the wedding in the next updates...**

**I had a couple of new ideas for both the sequel of this and a new story, but they're still too wrapped up in their little documents to be considered actual stories, so far nothing new. **

**I'll update as soon as I can, next week is gonna be a hell of a week...**


	22. She Acts Like Summer And Walks Like Rain

**I resumed Derek's PoV for this chapter and flashbacks, because I liked writing the wedding, so there will be more, here and in the next chapter. **

**Just 3 more chapters for this story, so if you want to leave a review or something, just do it.**

**The title is from Drops of Jupiter by Train, but I'm sure you already know that. **

**So, I leave you in Derek's hands, enjoy!

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**Chapter 22 – She Acts Like Summer And Walks Like Rain**

I walked into our home quietly, even if it was dinner time. Meredith would have probably been asleep, considering her thirty hours shift on the previous days. It was one of the last long shift she had before her maternity leave and she'd sure been worn out, but even her next twelve-hours shifts would surely become fifteen, maybe eighteen hours in a blink of the eye and nobody could help it.

I took in the delicate smell of wood of our foyer, everything still smelled like nature and outdoors. _Brand new things always smelled good_.

I loved how she suggested details and possible changes to what I picked when I was on leave. I left her free reign for the nursery though and she opted for a light green paint, cherry wood furniture, with a classic yet beautiful design. It mirrored the simplicity of the house, with a stylish look. She hand-painted a big oak on the free wall, with a red tape on its branch to measure the future height of our baby boy or girl. She was afraid it could have been not very girly, but I thought it was perfect and we could add girly details later, maybe some flowers or butterflies here and there, a ball for a boy. I was still stunned how well she could draw to even care about it.

_I went to Mark's to just get out of home for a while and we had practically just moved out from her place. The only rooms fully finished were just the one we used daily and the nursery. Some details were still missing and the guest room was empty yet, but in another day of shopping everything was going to be perfect. _

_When I came back home, I found Meredith in the nursery, brushes and __tins of paint resting on top of the three-steps ladder I used for hanging some frames the day before and I clearly forgot in the room. She was so busy with herself that she didn't even heard me coming back. _

_She was staring at the wall showing me her back, her left hand at her hip, while her right was scraping her forehead with the end of a dirty paintbrush. __She was thinking hard about something and she was fidgeting with the brush. Her perfection took my breath away for a moment. As I focussed on the wall I realized there was the drawing of a big tree where formerly the wall was plain green. A beautiful, big oak with long branches and smiley eyes and mouth. _

"_What the..." I muttered under my breath, but she caught me and she turned around. A big grin plastered on her face welcoming me home, her cheek had a stripe of brown paint all through, but she was unbelievably happy. And incredibly gorgeous._

"_Meredith?" I mumbled again, and she giggled_

"_Do you like it?" she asked, her hand moving from her hip to her round belly and rubbing softly. Her hands were always rubbing when she wasn't busy, even if her baby bump was not as huge as she thought. _

"_You did this?" my disbelief palpable, filled with just the slightest hint of worry_

"_I was good at __art classes in high school" she said plain, her smile widening "I even made a preparatory draw yesterday, while I was in the clinic and I wasn't busy" _

"_It's gorgeous" I admitted, my eyes still scrutinizing all the details_

"_Seriously?" she blushed a little, her redness matching perfectly the woodsy paint on her cheek_

"_I love it, really love it" I grinned back at her._

"_I still have to finish something" she turned back and dipped the brush in some red paint I didn't noticed. I watched her work quickly but precisely, fascinated somehow by her swift movements despite the round bump she carried around all day. Then she crouched and I held my breath until she sat, Indian style, on the floor that she cautiously covered with plastic and cloth. I looked above her head at the work she had done and I __marveled__: she had drawn what looked like a red piece of cloth, or a ribbon, cascading down from one of the big branches of the oak. Over the red, little numbers and black traits that created a measuring tape._

_She turned back facing me and smiled_

"_I measured for real, don't worry, it's not a fake whatever" she said amused by the look on my face. "Derek?"_

"_I'm...it's...It's awesome, Mer."__ I struggled to find the right words_

"_It's all messy and I need to clean up" she sighed_

"_I'll clean here, you take a bath and relax, you've done too much work already." I proposed, all of a sudden realizing how long she had been standing there._

"_I felt good and I had the day off. I wanted to surprise you and do something nice for our baby" she immediately realized where my thought were going "I'm okay"_

"_You're okay" I echoed. _

"_You're unbelievable" she giggled after a moment, shaking her head. I frowned. "You're recovering from a car crash and you ask me if I am ok, it's just funny"_

"_Oh." I grinned back "It's awesome, Mer" I repeated_

"_I'm glad you like it" a cheerful grin spreading on her lips_

_She hurried out then, leaving me with a mess of paint to clean up. _

_I didn't regretted every single spot of it, though_.

The house was quiet, a little dark as the sun was setting and nobody had turned any light on. I walked in the dim light, assuming that Meredith was sleeping soundly and I didn't wanted to wake her up. I checked on the couch but nobody was there, so I moved upstairs, a small grin still lingering on my lips from the memory.

I patted silently to our bedroom, expecting to find her there sound asleep, but the sheets were cold and just slightly wrinkled, no sign of Meredith. No light in the bathroom, but I remembered that the door of the nursery was ajar so I went checking there and I saw her figure sitting in the dark on the rocking chair, her hand over her perfectly swollen belly, her feet propped up on a chair. I smiled at the sight, but it faded as I heard her sniffle.

"Mer?"

I switched on the light in the corridor and she turned to face me, wordless. Her cheeks were stained with tears, that she quickly wiped away.

"Hey, you're home" she whispered in a small croaky voice, managing a smile that died quickly

"What's wrong?" I asked, crouching down next to her and placing my folded arms on the armrest of the chair, our faces aligning. Her eyes were glassy and full of tears, a deep sadness within them

"I'm so tired" she sighed, new tears popping free from her eyes

"Oh Mer" I kissed her forehead "Let's go to bed" I suggested

"I can't sleep. I'm really tired and I can't sleep because the baby's kicking like crazy and I don't know what to do anymore" she burst in more sobs

"Hey, it's ok, we're going to figure something out, all right?"

She nodded, nuzzling her face in the crook of my neck, her fresh fragrance of shower and lavender mixing together. I caressed her loose golden locks and her sighs subsided slowly.

"Why don't you try lying down again?"

"Okay" she agreed, a little too whispered to be heard if she wasn't merely inches away from my ear. She slowly moved out of my embrace, standing up. Her belly appeared in all its thirty-two-weeks glory and I couldn't help the quick caress I gave.

"I'm tired" she repeated as she waddled to the bedroom and settled down on the mattress in a sluggish movement. "I'm so tired" sighed

I spooned her in my arms, leaving a trail of teeny tiny kisses on her neck and shoulder. I tasted salty tears on her cheek as I pressed my lips there. She turned around suddenly, hiding her face on my t-shirt and bursting into more tears again.

"I'm so freaking tired I can't even sleep!" she sobbed heavily "I..I can't do this anymore, I just want everything to be over"

"Mer, you're doing so great, there are just a few more weeks before we'll meet our baby" I tried to calm her down a bit, my hands caressing her hips gently, then her back and her belly.

"No, it's not that, it's work. I'm done working Derek" she sniffled

I tangled my fingers in her hair, kissing the top of her head. _She had been really tired lately and I've never done anything to prevent this_.

"I'm gonna talk to the Chief tomorrow. I'm sorry I didn't noticed enough"

She looked up and her shimmering pools of green met mine with such steadiness and trust I felt almost overwhelmed. I got lost in her eyes before she could speak again, in a low voice, almost a whisper.

"I'm going to fail my exam anyway" her voice serious for the first time I had been home. I felt the burden of her worries heavily over me and I was at a loss to soothe it. I kissed the top of her head, trying to say without words what a good surgeon she was going to be and how brave she was for doing all of this. I marveled at her strength.

"You have weeks to study during your maternity leave you'll take before the exam. You're a good doctor." I tried to be the perfect solution for her problems, but I was clearly failing miserably as she kept crying.

"My mother was right, I can't do this. I can't be a surgeon" she continued with her train of thoughts, stubbornly.

"Look at me, Mer" I ordered gently

"I'm never gonna be good enough" tears still flowing freely, but quietly

"Look at me!" I almost snapped and her rambling stopped, her sad eyes filling with more unshed tears "You can do this"

She shook her head, then hid it on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and I felt a gentle poke over my bellybutton from our baby.

"You amaze me every day, Meredith Shepherd. Every single moment. You managed to handle the hardest year for a surgeon with the hardest year for a woman and I'm so proud of you I don't even know where I should start telling you" her tight grip loosened and she relaxed in my arms as I kept stroking her back soothingly, her sobs barely sniffles "You are growing a baby right under my nose and you never complained once. Not even after the hardest days when I was sick or after a never ending thirty-six hours shift that stretched a long while more. I've never heard you snort or whine about a bad day or hours-long kicking" I continued

"How do you know Berry can kick for hours?" her eyes met mine powerfully as she intruded suddenly in my monologue

"I've noticed how often you rub your belly in surgery, especially when you are with me during my longer procedures. And I can feel it when you're spooned in my arms in bed. Berry kicks and you sleep"

"I can't do that anymore" her hand found my hair and massaged my scalp, tears forming again in her already brimming eyes

"You're amazing anyway" a small smile played on my lips, before I kissed her. Because she was really amazing, no matter what day or what happened, she amazed me every day.

I grazed her round bump with my fingers, tracing abstract designs on the fabric of her t-shirt. _Actually my t-shirt_. She kissed me back, then bumped her forehead to mine, staring powerfully in my eyes.

"I'm so tired, Derek" she repeated again, breaking our eye contact when her eyelids almost dropped heavy with sleep just a the mere idea of it. I pecked her lips once more, before lowering over her belly and placing a lingering kiss there as well.

"Hey Berry, it's Daddy" emotions swelling in my chest even if it was the umpteenth time I've repeated that same sentence, a weird feeling warming up from the inside out each time "Mommy is really tired" I looked up to see a small, really small smile on Meredith's lips "She worked hard all day to have some more time to spend with you and now she would really like to sleep. We can make a deal, okay?"

"I've tried the deal before, Derek" she sighed, but not teary and broken like before, just tired and resigned.

"I'll tell you a story, since I don't have a guitar to sing something to you, all right?" I continued, practically ignoring her retort and promising myself that next time I'll visit my mother to grab the guitar and the sax I left there, memories of high school and college.

I spooned Meredith in my arms again and my hands rested automatically on her belly, rubbing it and creating some sort of soothing pattern.

"You think it's gonna work?" she breathed heavily, as another kick hit her ribs

"We could always try"

"Okay" that practically meant 'I'm so lost here just try whatever you want and I'll be happy when I'll be asleep'

My words fell like whispers from my mouth as I began the story, my hands soothing kicks and caressing gently, skin on skin to emphasize the connection. Meredith's body relaxed in my arms almost instantly, as I continued speaking.

I massaged her neck and back, slowly moving down, vertebrae to vertebrae, her even breaths as the soundtrack for my story. It was a story my dad used to tell me and my sisters, when we gathered all together in the living room for big occasions and, despite the dominance of girls, no princesses were involved but animals. It was probably some kind of classic that he re-adapted, but I couldn't remember it properly so I just went with the original tale.

I wasn't even halfway done that Meredith's soft snore filled the room and the corner of my lips stretched in a smile automatically. The baby was way calmer than before as well.

"I'll practice the story for next time, all right? I'm a little rusty" I whispered in the dark "Let Mommy get some sleep, okay Berry? We love you" I kissed the spot where I felt the last kick.

My hand rested gently over her belly, motionless except from the rhythmical strokes of my thumb as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep as well, lulled by Meredith's soft snore and the quiet feeling of our baby under my fingers.

**AN: That was a bit of McDreamyness, I know, maybe also knight-in-shining-whateverness, but I'm still happy about this chapter. **

**The baby is almost there, I know you're patiently waiting for it from the first chapters. Thanks for still being here and all the reviews I received make me really happy. I almost nailed the 15,000 views and it seems quite unbelievable.**

**Thank you so much again and stay tuned for the next 3 chapters!**


	23. Patience Is Just Another Word,

**I was finally able to put some Kings Of Convenience in the title, they're a nice, acoustic band from Norway. I'm sure you'd like them if you're into acoustic tunes like I am lately. Anyway, this is not them (gotcha!), it's taken from Fireworks by The Whitest Boy Alive, a side project of KoC, the video is great by the way.**

**The end is near, my readers! [and now I really sound like some kind of prophet proclaiming the end of the world, possibly in 2012]**

**You just need a little bit more patience to get to the end. I'm going to ramble more about the chapter at the end of it. Just enjoy it then and review, I'd love to hear from you, you don't have many chapters left to do so!**

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**Chapter 23 - Patience Is Just Another Word For Getting Old**

Boxes, boxes and more boxes were scattered in the living room, which looked vaguely like a war zone at the moment. We had been finally able to move out the stuff from the attic in my old house but we still needed to sort out everything. Some boxes looked new, filled with Derek's things or with something we collected together, some others were way older and filled with God knows what, probably something belonging to my mother.

Open at a casual page over the nearest pile of boxes were lying my old textbooks, fished out from the stack I had in college and Med School. A wave of memories flooded back as I remembered the hours spent in crowded halls, wondering what would it be like to finally cut someone open and dreaming about my future as a surgeon. I expected every possible scenario but not being thirty-nine weeks pregnant a week before my intern exam.

I rubbed my belly after some rolling from Berry, his or her gentle way to say good morning. _Every single morning_. I picked up a book and I tried to refresh some memories, without an actual result. My brain was gooey and unfocussed and I was bored to death. The words I pretended to read became black spots the more I tried to focus.

I had been home from barely twenty-four hours and I already missed work. Okay, I wasn't really missing charts and labs, but it killed me knowing that I was practically banned from the place until my exam. The Chief argued that I needed time to study, but I haven't done anything study-related my whole day. I just sat -or slept- on the couch, peed, ate cereals straight from the box as cooking had never been an option even before being as big as a whale, or I ended up watched soaps and awful morning shows all day long.

I finally decided to do something useful during my forced leave as I sat on the floor to avoid lifting heavy things, fishing through all those boxes. I began with the newest of them and immediately a batch of photos appeared under the lid. _Our wedding photos_. Some were framed, ready to be hung, while the rest was still in the original wrap. I opened it and I immediately smiled, remembering every single moment of the shots.

_Me and Derek, me and Cristina, Cristina and Burke, me Izzie and George, __incredibly good looking Derek, Derek and me, Derek and his sisters, God there were thousands!_

I picked carefully one of them, and I stared at it in awe, the memories still vivid. I could say that it was one of my favorites from the beginning. It has been taken at the small, intimate reception in our backyard overlooking the city. It was me and Derek dancing, the already big baby bump nestled between our bodies, his whole face showing happiness, his eyes locked to mine as my hands enveloped his body the best I could with our baby in the way.

I clearly remembered his sweet words, his joy, the fact that he was there, my husband, almost too much to bear for me.

I remember feeling overwhelmed in that split second when our eyes met, but also extremely happy, a feeling closer to the one I felt when I found out about Berry. That slow dance was intense, not from a merely but evident sexual tension between the two of us, but for the simple fact that we were there, married from a few hours, enjoying our first dance together. I knew Derek didn't danced in public, but he was the one that held out his hand and brought me in the middle of the dancefloor, wrapping his arms around me in a gentle hug. _He looked gorgeous in this photo_.

"Hey!" Cristina's voice snapped me out of my memories. She snorted as I looked up and smiled widely at her "What are you doing?"

"Um, nothing?" I smirked, trying to hide all the photos, still beaming at the whole batch. The photographer did an awesome job capturing the event.

"Whatever" she frowned "I have flashcards" a mischievous grin spreading immediately on her lips. _She must have stolen them from somewhere_.

"Let's go upstairs, then" I smiled back, really needing to stretch my legs for a little. I stood up like an eighty-year-old with arthritis, grabbing the couch to steady myself and Cristina looked at me quizzically, narrowing her eyes in an unreadable expression.

"You're huge, Mer" she admitted, still scanning my figure, her eyes darting on my belly for a long moment.

"Don't tell me about it" I tried to keep it light, joking on it. Joking was easy.

It was unavoidable, everybody stared. Derek was the only one that just rubbed and kissed and when he watched, the expression on his face melt me from the inside out, the amazement in his eyes something I'll never forget. I slumped on the bed lazily and Cristina sat Indian style at my feet, taking out Callie's flashcards as I rubbed my belly after the umpteenth roll of the day.

"Seriously Mer, what were you doing before I came here? McDreamy was bothering me all day to go check on you" she grunted annoyed. _So Derek-like, this kind of request_.

"I was bored to death, report that. I began sorting out our wedding photos" I smiled, thinking back at the photos I had in my hands just moments ago.

"I figured" she smirked

"I just feel useless, you know." I sighed, tired of everything already "Back to flashcards, please" I ordered, when luckily Cristina didn't make any kind of comment.

"You're sure you can go back to the hospital in a week for the exam?" she asked after a moment, still looking at me. I_t was better if she kept that for herself_

"I'm pregnant, I'm not dying. Looks like it, I know, but I'm fine" I snapped. _Why everybody keeps looking at me like I'm sick or something? I'm just growing a child in my uterus, damn it! _"You know, you sound just like Derek. Too bad I can't withhold sex to you" I continued, smirking mischievously.

"You're still..." Cristina's eyes widened in disbelief, a bit horrified maybe and she made me laugh

"Not until we're done with the exam and he stops looking at me with puppy dog's eyes"

"He's the standard look he has when he's around you, get over it" she groaned, clearly annoyed. It just made me laugh even more.

"Sex favors labor and I really don't want to be in labor in the next seven days" I finally explained, the idea of labor slowly terrifying me a little bit more every passing day

"So you're withholding sex" she narrowed her eyebrows

"You bet I am" I grinned wryly "Flashcards, Cristina" I hurried her again.

"God, when I think you're getting all mushy and boring, you rise" she grinned, before she started to quiz me.

When my head started buzzing and any coherent thought had left my brain, we paused. It was pointless to keep asking questions when I didn't even know how to form words in the first place.

Cristina seemed amused as I lied on my back and closed my eyes for a moment, that somehow became half an hour before we both realized it and Cristina woke me up. She was unable to keep a straight face as I was fully awake, so I let her laugh, even beginning before her.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep" I said, before bursting into laughter again and she followed suit, practically rolling on my bed.

"Better move back downstairs or you'll nod off again" she smirked, hopping on her feet. I stood up a little less graciously and, after a bathroom stop, followed her back downstairs.

I found her on the couch, scanning all the boxes around her, maybe to find a way to store everything better than we did.

"Do you and Derek have all this stuff?" she remarked, quite surprised

"It's mostly old stuff, from my mother, we have to go through it and put it somewhere" I sighed, still unsure about when that was going to happen.

She opened the first box under her grasp and found it filled with journals in black leather. Notepads maybe, from my mother. The ones she mentioned in our last meeting. Berry wasn't even the size of a berry that moment and yet...

"Whoa, what's that?" she exclaimed, startling me while I was lost in my thoughts

"Mother's stuff"

"Mother like medical stuff?" her surprise became soon a smirk

"Probably, I'm not reading them" It was hard remembering her every single day even without reading her journals. Reading them was never going to happen. The more I looked at them, the less appealing they became, while Cristina was almost drooling on them, caressing the cover like I caressed the cover of the baby book every time before opening it.

"Why not? You're doing nothing all day" she snickered

"I'm growing a baby here!" I snapped a little harshly. _I hate feeling useless! I'm a freaking surgeon!_

For a moment, Cristina's face looked guilty and I immediately regretted snapping at her, hating even more my wild hormones.

"You should read them instead" I suggested, holding out an olive branch

"You want me to read Ellis Grey's Bible?" she asked, taken aback by my offer, her eyes widening in amazement again.

"That's why they're all yours" I smiled.

She took the leather-covered book in her hands and stared at it like it was almost sacred, a smile appearing on her lips as she opened it, before it became a dubious frown.

"Mer, your mother wrote like a chicken" she admitted and I laughed hard

"She was a surgeon, what did you expect?" I shook my head, still giggling

"Oh, I like my handwriting. Way better than yours" she mocked

"Uh, my handwriting can be awesome, I just don't bother showing it in charts" I replied, picking up the baby book Derek gave me on Christmas and placing it on Cristina's lap. She practically glared up at me almost as if it was poisoned and I grinned.

"It doesn't bite, it's a baby book"

"You are seriously going to have this?" she glared, shock plastered on her features

"I've never had such things. I'll be too busy to update it anytime soon anyway" I sighed, knowing that my sentence was probably more than true.

Cristina slowly lifted up the lid and took out the book, opening it. She turned slowly the pages, her scowl softening into a secret smile.

"Yeah, definitely wasted for charts" she looked up, closing the book.

"Do you think I'm crazy for doing this, Cristina?"

"I thought you were crazy months ago, now I'm not so sure about it" she admitted and my hand immediately moved to my belly out of an habit, caressing in soft circles. "Don't expect me to be the usual godmother type, all right, I'll be the surgical mentor and raise this member of the future generation of cardiothoracic surgeons, but I'm off babysitting duty or changing diapers" she immediately turned back to her old self

"I'm not so sure about it" I mumbled, smirking. I knew Cristina was going to have a soft spot for this baby as soon as he or she would poke out in this world. Deep down, she was a softie. _Very, very deeply down_.

Her pager beeped and I sighed.

"It's an emergency, sorry Mer"

"Just think about me when you'll be in the OR, okay?"

She smirked, walking out of the room, trolling off for the upcoming good cases in the ER.

After the click of the front door, everything was quiet again. I ran my hand over my belly as Berry rolled again, quiet as well.

I picked up the baby book and opened it, just like Cristina did a few moments before. My fingers skimmed the imperceptible spot on the first ultrasound that was going to become the practically grown baby that my other hand was caressing who was about to land in my arms in a bundle of blankets. Ages seemed to divide those two moments, because everything had changed. I felt blessed and for a moment as I reminded what a different person I could have been, how much things could have changed and instead how they became practically perfect.

Derek had been next to me the whole time, we got married, he built us a house, he'll stay home for the first two weeks with the baby and me, he'll reduce his hours, he'll be there.

That night almost nine months ago instead, he wasn't. He was far, even if he said things and he filled me up just with a look, he wasn't really there as I wanted him to be.

_As I ran out of the hospital, everything that happened that night came crashing down like rain from the sky. The pavement was wet, my heels clicking loudly in the __silence, a distant buzz from the still ongoing prom and some passing cars the only sounds of the damp night._

_Losing had been the night's leit-motif._

_Denny lost his battle, Izzie lost her fiancé, we lost Doc, Derek lost his patience and his self-control, I lost my panties in an exam room._

'_Mistress' whispered my inner voice, practically mocking me. 'Mistress'_

_I lost track of time too as I stood in the drizzle, completely detached from everything, the latest events just a giant blur that I'd never want to sort out. Somehow I was running towards my car in my black cocktail dress, without my panties, while nothing made sense anymore._

_I slammed the door shut and started the engine, the comforting roar leading me home safely. I was on autopilot, just like when I went home late at night because I had surgeries. __613 Harper Lane materialized in front of me like some kind of mirage._

'_Mistress'__ my conscience kept whispering as I took off the dress to change into a pyjama and suddenly the dream-like reality became way more tangible when flashbacks of Derek relived in my head, immediately after I closed my eyes to zip open the dress. 'Mistress' his magical touch was still burning on my skin, I could feel his curls under my fingertips, his lips kissing the spots he knows I love the most. _

_When my dress fell at my ankles, bringing memories with it, I felt empty. __A whiff of cold air hit my skin and I wished for his body to keep me safe and warm. I was wishing for a married, very unavailable man. The only warm thing on me then were my tears._

_'Mistress'_

_I had nowhere else to run, as I couldn't run from my own body, so I just crumbled on the floor in a bundle of cloth like a lifeless object, sobbing uncontrollably, unable to stand up again._

_It was wrong crying, Izzie was the one who just lost _everything,_ I only lost my panties and the fragile equilibrium of a sham friendship and stolen glances over desks that had kept me alive. It had been easy and legal, no broken vows, no cheating, nothing at all. _God, I cheated on Finn, I cheated on the great guy_._

_Raindrops began falling again in a quiet, soothing murmur, but I couldn't stop my tears, kneeling on the floor in my underwear and a wrinkled t-shirt before I collapsed under the weight of the night._

_He__ was drifting away, more than the night Addison showed up, because this stolen sex felt like closure, as our last time together, the last kiss he was sure I could remember forever. Maybe he was going back to New York and I'd never see __his perfect, secure blue eyes. I'll never feel as safe as I felt in his arms anymore. Finn was a great guy, perfect in more than one sense, but I was ordinary with him; we were a couple together, not __the__ couple. He didn't make me weak to my knees with a single look, the world wasn't going to stop after I'll make love to him._

_Right in that moment, the world was motionless, stilled by the power of me and Derek, and when it would start again, everything was going to be over. No more us, just memories to hold on tight to and guilt and pain. No more Meredith and Derek ever again. And it hurts, it hurts so much I can't even breathe._

_I drew anguished breaths, reminding that there was no fixing nor deliberate acts for something like Denny's death and what Izzie had to go through at the moment, while we chose this. We took adult, consensual decisions and we were simply paying the consequences of them. _

_On my hands black tears were pooling silently, wiping away the light make-up I applied for Finn. I was supposed to be having dirty sex with him at the moment, finally giving in to his charm, not crying on the floor over prom sex in an exam room. _

_Everything was just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong._

_'Mistress'_

_A warm hand suddenly steadied me and restarted the world, startling me. I began quivering in sobs, my head shaking no as I recognized the touch, my eyes shut to avoid what was going to come. Everything was over, the world was moving again. _

_The other familiar hand rested on my shoulder and the hardwood cracked as the person behind me sat on the floor at my back. The cracking was recognizable, just like the comforting scent that was spreading in the room. Warmth enveloped my shivering body, but I couldn't calm down even if he was there, I just cried harder._

_I basked in Derek's presence for a moment, before reality settled in again, tears still running freely. The well-known thumbs massaged the knots on my blades in circles, easing the pain and multiplying the tears._

_I needed to run but he kept me grounded on the floor in that awkward, uncomfortable position. I shifted suddenly, stretching my legs and bending them immediately after, curling up in a ball, trying to disappear. His hands moved lower and a moan escaped my lips, disguised with a sob. He sighed and his warm breath funnelled the hair at the back of my neck._

"_I'm sorry" he whispered, but it seemed echoing in the silent room._

"_When it comes to you, I'm always sorry in the morning. Like with tequila" I whispered back, but he didn't replied. I know he meant it, it was just too late, I was a mistress already._

_I tried to shake him off but he moved closer instead, his body warming me up even at inches away._

"_I'll sign the papers" his tone firm, just like his body behind me. His lips found the bare skin between my neck and the hem of my t-shirt and I leaned to him as an habit, feeling safe. Safe and loved. __The world halted again and the moment settled in and I wished it wouldn't ever start again. I remained still, afraid to break the spell somehow, enjoying his presence._

"_I'm signing the papers for real this time, no second thoughts Meredith" he repeated and everything seemed even more unreal._

"_Derek" I moaned, aching for him in every single part of the body that he wasn't stroking with his magical hands. It was a strangled cry, a desperate plea, my sliver of hope; everything I could give him in that moment._

"_I love you too Meredith. In the same big way you love me. The last piece of cheesecake will always be yours and I'll pretend to appreciate your tastes in music for the rest of our lives" a glimmer of hope sparkled in his eyes, brightening the night, and everything seemed perfectly in place again__ even if I didn't really saw his face. I sighed, knowing that it wasn't going to last long._

"_I can't" I cried, my voice barely audible._

"_I understand. I can wait for you as long as you need, I needed a while to properly figure things out. I'll wait."_

_I took all the courage in me and I turned to face him. His eyes bore into mine and his perfect features made my knees weak once more. His orbs were shimmering with tears, full of hope and everything that made him Derek all at the same time. Meeting those eyes just erased all the rational answers in my mind and I had to struggle again to find something coherent to reply_

"_I need time Derek, I need to think then there's Izzie and, and..." I rambled, wiping away my last tears. He smiled brightly before his fingers touched my cheeks, sending shivers down my spine._

"_Please, don't run" he said, sealing our deal with a tender kiss. Just his lips on mine for a moment, so very differently than the desperate, needing kisses in the exam room. Then he stood up and walked out, leaving me stunned and motionless on the floor, a fresh batch of tears clouding my last vision of him as he slowly closed the door behind his back and the night was still again._

Right then, I felt lucky, because Derek was there, next to me, even if I ran. I didn't know what miracle we had created together, but everything felt perfect. During the night though, it didn't seem so perfect anymore.

Two strong arms enveloped me from behind and a wide smile stretched on my lips as I was pulled out of my memories once more. Derek was home.

"Hey," he whispered "were you crying?" his eyes meeting mine in a scrutinizing look, trying to understand while my water works were operative again. Hormones were definitely winning the battle against my dark-and-twisty self.

"Happy tears" I answered, smiling brightly. His eyes smiled back for him.

"Yeah?" he was surprised somehow, more than worried

"Very happy tears" _because I'm a very lucky girl_

"Good" he kissed me softly, melting away every last memory and leaving my brain more fuzzy than after all the information load with Cristina.

"I'm so glad you're here now, Derek" I sighed, basking in his warmth

"Is everything all right?" the slightest hint of worry immediately settling back in his tone.

"Everything's perfect" I grinned. Because it really felt that way.

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**AN: There was a huge flashback, I know, it just popped in my head a long while after I've published the first chapter or it would have been perfect to begin with. Publishing it as one-shot wasn't going to give it justice, so I put it in. I hope you didn't mind much.**

**Cristina helping Meredith studying was something I wanted to write to strengthen their friendship that somehow got lost in my MerDer fluff for a while. I apologize, they're so great together. And the journals had to come back at some point, I promised.**

**I hope that even after this you'll still be around for the two final chapters, I don't know when I'll be able to update, I just found a couple of spare minutes during an homework break, my mind was about to implode! **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing this chapter!**


	24. Wouldn't Wanna Change A Thing

**This story is almost done, just one chapter left after this one. I don't know if I should jump around for joy because I was able to complete this or be terribly sad because it's finished. **

**Anyway, the title is from Strawberry Swing by Coldplay, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and if you want to leave reviews just do it before it's over ;)

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**Chapter 24 – Wouldn't Wanna Change A Thing**

The Day has come.

With capital letters, because passing the interns exams meant becoming real surgeons. Not just bottom of the surgical food chain but people who held scalpels in the OR and choose specialties. The real thing. The Day.

My maternity leave really helped me studying, Braxton-Hicks not so much. Berry was kicking like there was no tomorrow lately and there was still something more than a week before the due date.

I opened my eyes reluctantly, felling a little nervous about the exam. Not a complete freak out, just the right amount, considering my hormone levels. Derek rolled over and placed a soft good morning kiss on my lips and my forehead, smiling widely. I sighed loudly, trying to stay as calm as possible, considering I still had two hours more before the exam.

"Hey, are you ready?" he whispered, brushing away a lock of my hair that had fallen over my cheek in a tender gesture

"I have to" I kissed him back, pretending that everything was okay.

"Moving much?" he asked, laying his hand over my huge baby bump like every morning and feeling kicks and turns

"As always, just impatient to get out of here" I smiled, placing my hand next to his, rubbing tiny circles. Apparently the baby knew I was nervous.

"Be good for Mommy today, okay?" he murmured to the baby, placing a soft kiss on my skin "She has an important exam and she needs you to be quiet for a little while. Let's make a deal" he smirked. He had this habit of talking to the baby from the first days, but it became a real habit just recently, since we read on baby books that he or she could hear our voices. In a few seconds, his features relaxed and his voice softened, dropping to a murmur while he spoke

"Do you think Berry is gonna listen to you?" I mocked

"I hope so. So we'll find out if he's a good listener" he smirked. I know he was rooting for a boy, he needed some testosterone after four sisters, but I was sure that he was going to be whipped anyway if the baby was a girl, probably more.

"If Berry is a boy is never gonna listen to you. Boys are scared of mothers, fathers are just role models" I teased, knowing how much he would have loved to be the said role model for our child.

"That's why today I'm hoping we're having a girl, so you don't have to lecture him again" he grinned, his eyes twinkling in the dim morning light

"We are going to find out soon enough, don't worry" I groaned, when the baby kicked my ribs.

Derek kissed me again, easing the pain by rubbing soothing caresses on my belly, then helped me up to reach the bathroom. I waddled lazily downstairs for breakfast and got dressed in an old shirt and Derek's sweatpants. I couldn't really manage proper clothes, considering that I had planned to change in scrubs as soon as I reached the hospital, hoping to find something large enough for my whale-like silhouette. Since my leave my side of the closet remained untouched, while I always raided Derek's drawers for something comfortable enough.

As I finally reached the hospital, needing twice the time I usually used, I approached nonchalantly the small group of my friends in the hallway with my pencils and water, pretending for a moment that this was another normal day, but it clearly wasn't and they all looked astonished for a moment.

"I know, I'm huge" I said with a smile, before Alex could make any of his usual snickering comments about it. The scrubs made me look even bigger, as they were used to see me like that when Berry was nothing more than a cute bump.

"No way Mer, you look gorgeous" Izzie immediately tried to reassure, a wide and genuine smile on his face. _My pregnancy fascinated her, apparently_.

"You look just a little bit bigger than when you left, yeah" added Cristina, in her practical, mocking tone.

"She's due in a week, cut her some slack" supported George, while Alex kept staring at me, wordlessly, but without making any weird faces. He had a small smile, though.

"You look all...mommy" snorted Cristina

I shook my head smiling at her frown of worry at my sight but it quickly became a grimace as Berry hit my ribs again. I rubbed the spot and, opening my eyes again, I saw concerned faces on all four of them.

"I'm fine, Berry's just being a little soccer player with my ribcage this morning"

Cristina smiled at me sympathetically, while Izzie seemed to enjoy the metaphor.

I saw the examiners enter in the conference room so I made a quick precautionary stop to the bathroom, before joining my friends in the middle of the rows of desks that had been brought there.

As they handed us the papers, the examiner scanned me and especially my belly with a weird scowl, maybe looking for some kind of rule that didn't allowed very pregnant women to take exams or something. I was about to snap at her but she luckily moved on with her task, handing the papers to George, who sat behind me.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment, trying to forget about the look of the examiner and the fact that my brain was completely empty, then I began reading the test, my hand constantly resting at the top of my prominent abdomen, calming the kicks before they started with soothing circles. It helped me focus as well, probably was simply an different kind of fidgeting, but it seemed to work for a while.

I was right in the middle of the test, probably more than halfway done, unsure to mark answer A or C, when something different than a kick startled me for a second, making me completely oblivious to everything but the fact that I just had a contraction. Something different had been going on from the morning, but I didn't needed to freak out even more, so I avoided the thought and I moved it in the back of my head. Now it was coming back full force. I sighed deeply, my mind focussing back on the multiple choices on the sheet as I tried to push the feeling back where it belonged.

_You made a deal with Daddy this morning, be quiet just a little bit more, okay? Now it's not the time to get out of here. Let me finish this, it's going to be quick_.

I tried to hurry with my answers, monitoring at the same time the contractions. I rubbed endlessly my bump, breathing after every given answer and probably looking stupid to everyone in that room. Luckily, I was still focussed enough to keep going, even if some of the crosses in the last answers were shaky and messy from a new contraction. The same examiner that gave me the paper kept scrutinizing me during the whole test, shooting glances every time I looked up to catch my breath. If I wasn't I labor I'd probably have killed her already.

I read the paper again a couple of times, before deciding to hand in back to the examiners, winning another series of sympathetic looks. The hard task though wasn't finished, as I found really difficult to stand up as another contraction shook me.

_I give this sheets to those people then I'm all yours, baby. Just one more moment, please_.

I rubbed my belly again as the contraction waved away, I seized the moment and stood up, slowly waddling to the desk where the examiners sat. The same woman gave me another wary look as I rubbed constantly my belly, then I waddled out of there, not caring for a second that all the interns were still in that room, especially all of my friends each of them glancing at me worriedly.

I moved as fast as I could to the nurses station, where I paged 911 Derek, then OB/GYN. I leaned against the counter, closing my eyes as another contraction had its way on me. When I saw Addison walking towards me, Berry somehow realized even better that it was time to come out an, as I breathed a sigh of relief, my waters broke.

_Perfect, just in front of everybody...You'll __drive me crazy, Berry_.

"Sit down, here" Addison's voice surprised me as I had closed my eyes and forced me to open them again, finding an inviting wheelchair in front of me.

"Meredith?" Derek's worried voice reached me from the end of the aisle and I saw him hurrying gloriously toward me in a blurred halo, looking handsome as always in scrubs. _It seemed like a freaking movie when everything moves in slow motion. Just the contractions weren't slowing!_

The closer he got, the more concerned his face looked.

"Mer, what's going on?" he repeated

"Your deal with Berry doesn't seem to work" I sighed, as the contraction slowed and I felt like opening my eyes again instead of digging a huge hole in the ground and hide in there forever. I found his worried blue eyes staring back at me, his arm immediately behind me supporting some of my weight while I tried to sit down on my own. _Thank God you're here_.

"Sit here so I can examine you upstairs" I nodded and followed Addison's directives, sitting on the wheelchair.

"It's gonna be okay" he soothed, grasping my hand. The look on his face told me that he realized what was going on by himself: his eyes were twinkling happily, even it tamed by a light veil of concern. _He hated seeing me like this_.

Pain was becoming constant and almost unbearable as soon as we reached the exam room and I lied down.

"Slow deep breaths Mer, you're doing great" he coached, as another wave hit me. In my clouded mind memories of the both of us in a supply closet flashed helplessly and I clung at his hand just like that day. This time, instead, he kissed my greasy forehead and caressed my shoulder with soothing circular movements.

"Everything looks fine" spoke Addison after the quick exam, "we just need to wait"

"Good" said repeatedly Derek, still torn between pure joy and concern.

I wanted to scream at each new contraction, but I muffled them not to worry Derek much more. As a low-pitched growl finally gave out without my control, he immediately went in full hovering mode, rambling a lot like me while I was nervous. He was clearly freaking out, but he acted so coolly and relaxed I wanted to hit him. Except that he was there, holding my hand while I was crushing it during the umpteenth contraction.

"Mer, is everything all right? You want me to get you anything? Water, maybe, the nurse...You want an epidural?"

I shook my head firmly, catching my breath "Stay here" I pleaded and he managed a small smile.

"I'm not going anywhere" he squeezed my hand strongly, brushing my loose hair off my face as they escaped from the messy bun I've tied during the exam. _God it seemed like ages ago..._

"Derek" I moaned, at the next contraction.

"Shhh, it's okay. Slow deep breaths, you're doing great"

Hot tears started trailing down my face and he let them fall, lowering his lips on the top of my head in a tender kiss. I winched again and I know he still wasn't looking at me because he hated seeing me crying, the soft feeling of his stubble on my head enough to remind me how to breath.

Unexpectedly, I saw him sitting on the bed next to me, then he moved behind me, practically holding me. His strong hands ran up and down my arms, while my back leaned limply against his chest, his chin resting at the top of my head. Addison said something about being close, but it rolled away with my last contraction. As he spooned me softly in his arms, his hands roamed gently over my belly, caressing it for the last time, almost like he was going to miss this when we'll have our baby in our arms. Everything was becoming a blur, time passed, but I didn't realized how, neither how much, I was just there, in Derek's arms, breathing.

A sharp, different pain, suddenly hit me and alerted me what was going to be next: pushing the baby out. I didn't needed textbooks or baby books to know it, my body just felt like pushing.

"It's okay to start pushing" Addison said, almost reading in my confused mind.

As the next wave hit, I went with the flow and I pushed.

It was powerful and painful as I never thought it could. Derek's hands immediately supported me, still rubbing gently my sweaty skin, his lips finding again the top of my head.

Waves and waves later, I thought the tide would never rise enough to make the ship sail, but Addison wide smile somehow gave me hope.

'The head is crowning' was enough for me to push forcefully once again. Derek kept murmuring soft endearments, his healing hands still strongly wrapped around me. I pushed and I followed the waves again, until the last wave left me empty, a sudden void telling me it was done.

_I did it, God I birthed my baby!_

I looked straight, trying to focus and I saw Addison with a bundle of towels in her arms, a genuine smile brightening her face. Tears formed in my eyes.

"It's a girl!" she grinned, looking up. _A girl_. "Derek, do you want to cut the cord?" she continued

I heard Derek gasp at her request and as soon as she said 'girl' I knew tears were falling freely from my eyes, without my control. He quickly unfolded our grasp and stood next to Addison at the base of the bed, holding the scissors in his hand. He was shaking, _his surgeon-steady hands were shaking_, and his eyes were wet with happy tears as well as he stared at the baby. His cut was perfect, so the following desperate cry of our baby girl. It was deafeningly beautiful.

Derek held the baby for a moment and I started to giggle hysterically as the nurse took her from his arms and went out with our baby girl to clean and test her, leaving him stunned and disappointed for a moment. Derek moved closer, sitting back on his original spot. He was smiling widely and I'm sure I've never seen him this happy. He cried, holding our baby for the first time, _he freaking cried!_

"We have a little girl, Derek" I said, trying to keep at bay my uncontrollable joy

He leaned over and kissed me, our tears mixing together on our grazing skins. Our faces merely a few inches apart, our noses and foreheads touching as the nurse was back and gave me the baby.

I needed a second before processing what was happening: I was holding our daughter in my arms_. I gave birth to her. I am a mother_.

Her light weight somehow surprised me: she seemed heavier in my womb. She was still screaming at the top of her lungs, but I loved the sound. She had thick dark Derek-y hair, perfect lips and nose, tiny ineffectual fists and small, kicking feet. _And she was our daughter_.

"Wow" escaped from my lips, after the first glance a her. I couldn't tear my eyes off her.

"Hi baby girl" echoed Derek, unable to move, his eyes staring at the baby as well

"You are perfect" I added, small tears building up again.

Her desperate screams slowed down to whimpers as we talked and I looked up for a second, meeting Derek's moistened eyes. _She knows us_.

He trailed the tip of his fingers on her cheeks and a wide smile plastered on his face. His movements were soft and gentle, his excitement palpable in the way he caressed her lovingly, almost like she was the most precious and breakable thing in the whole world.

"She's beautiful, Derek" I sighed, staring now at her open eyes: they were blue, deep and intense just like her father's, but with some green in it. I was mesmerized. I could stare at her forever.

"She's perfect" he echoed.

I took her clenched fist between my fingers, loving the feeling of her soft skin grazing mine. I traced her body head to toes then, taking in how wonderful every single inch of her was. _Our daughter_.

This moment was all I could think about as soon as the stick turned positive. The moment where I would see our perfect baby, hold her in my arms and have Derek next to me beaming at us. And I felt grateful and blessed for all of it, because so many things could turn to out differently and instead of Derek, I could have been alone and maybe this moment wasn't going to feel so right as it was.

A sudden exhaustion hit me and just then I realized how much I wanted a nap, despite all the events of the day. I carefully leaned our baby in Derek's arms and for a moment he looked lost, maybe afraid to have her back in his arms. I smiled and in a blink he regained confidence, cradling the baby closer to his muscular chest, a beaming smile appearing on his features as he looked at the bundle in his arms. _I could look at them together for the rest of my life_.

"I love you, Derek. Thank you for her" I said as a small tear rolled down my cheek.

He looked up for a split second, his eyes meeting mine and welling up with tears as well "I love you too. And I love her"

I stared back and forth at them, then my eyes gave up and they closed with their own willpower, leading me to a relaxing slumber, knowing that they will be there, when I'll wake up. And everything felt amazingly wonderful, because we have a daughter and she's perfect. _She's ours_.

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**AN: Berry is finally here! I'm sure you've noticed she doesn't have a name, yet. Oh, she has one, I'm just keeping it to myself for the next chapter, which would be the last one. I'll try to update quickly, but you have to be patient a little while.**

**I plan on doing an epilogue after the next chapter IF I'm going to do a sequel. Some chapters are already banked in my computer, but I'd prefer to know exactly how the story unfolds in my head before posting anything more, so when you'll see the epilogue make sure you'll check the sequel.**

**I hope you enjoyed it so far and I'm still curious about your opinions on the sequel. Thank you for reading so carefully every chapter, my ego appreciates so much ;)**


	25. Grace

**The final chapter is here, sorry for the little bit of delay, I had been really busy and I think I'm going crazy if I'll need to keep up this rhythm until June.**

**Grace I'm sure rings lots of bells in your Grey's brain, like prom? No idea why I chose Kate Havnevik's song to end this fiction, uh?**

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**Chapter 25 – Grace **

As I woke up after my nap, Derek hadn't moved an inch. Our daughter was quietly sleeping in his arms and he was just there, staring at her with an adoring gaze, his eyes never leaving her perfect form and I never thought anything could be so perfect like the two of them together.

"Hey" he whispered, a wide smile curling his lips as he looked up at me as soon as he felt my eyes on him "Mommy's awake" he spoke to the baby then, his voice tender and soothing as he placed a soft kiss on the baby's head. I melted on the spot at the words and the sight and the whole idea of everything.

He stood up from the chair cautiously and placed our little girl in my arms again, before his lips touched mine in a lingering, happy kiss. He sat next to me on the bed as I took in the sleeping form of our baby again. I couldn't think about anything more perfect than her.

"Hey Grace, you're finally here" I whispered, kissing the baby as well.

We decided her name during a stormy night, curled up in bed after his accident, the first time he felt the baby kicking. We didn't agreed immediately for the boy's name, but with Grace we didn't needed to discuss further.

"She is" he sighed contentedly

"I love her so much already, Derek, I can't believe I could have..." a_borted her._ My voice waved. It never crossed my mind, but it could have happened, if it was someone else's baby it certainly would have happened.

"I know." He replied and he immediately knew what was going on in my head "Thank you for her, Meredith"

I saw his gaze getting lost and I realized he almost missed all of it, I almost let him lose everything.

"Thank _you_" I echoed, kissing him as I was at loss of words.

Grace started to open her eyes and fussed, before she burst in a desperate, piercing cry. For a moment I panicked, taking in how scared she looked in my arms, how fragile and tiny, crying at the top of her healthy little lungs. I gently rocked her back and forth, stroking her tummy and letting her know that I was there, that she wasn't alone, that I was going to be there forever, despite how much the single thought freaked me out. She didn't stop crying, but at least she wasn't screaming anymore, simply whimpering for something more than my undivided attention.

"Could you get the nurse in here? I think she might be hungry" I asked Derek and he immediately smiled.

"She'll be here in a second" he replied, standing up and moving to the door, always eager to meet my requests, even when I asked for ice cream in the middle of the night

"Derek," I stopped him when his hand was on the doorknob, his eyes looked back with such a deep joy nestled in that I thought my heart was going to explode for all the love I felt right there "I want you here the first time she breastfeeds"

Our eyes met and I could tell he was fighting hard his tears again. _I couldn't have him every step of the way but I was going to make sure he wouldn't miss anything from now on_. He was happy and scared and tired all at the same time, but he kept grinning as he went out.

As the nurse replaced him and began explaining how exactly I had to do to have her comfortable, Derek was in the room again. The nurse left us some privacy right after her lecture and he walked closer to us, kissing the top of my head before looking down to Grace as she began nursing. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in the feeling of her so close to me again, then gazing back at Grace, my vision of her slightly blurred.

"Mer" he half-asked, half-stated, just like every time he was concerned

"It's a beautiful feeling" I sighed, staring at Grace nursing.

"I bet it is"

He caressed her hair then sat on the bed next to us, his eyes still focussed on Grace. He kept watching us in silence, a pleased smile spreading on his lips and he looked different from every other moment I saw him. Different than the moment I revealed him about the baby or the split second he processed my two yes, at his proposal first then at the wedding. A sliver of it was different.

_He is a father_.

"I met Mom outside, she's with Cristina and the others. They're pacing in the hall and I'm quite sure Izzie was going to throw a fit as I told them you were breastfeeding without them hovering" he chuckled, finally breaking the quiet and setting off reality again as I giggled with him. I could see his heart swell in his chest with love at the mention of me breastfeeding, but I decided to leave this conversation for some other time.

"I need a few more minutes just the three of us" I melted at the simple idea of a 'three of us'. _Us. Our family_.

"God, that sounded so perfect"

"It really did" I smiled, as his lips met mine for a loving kiss.

"We are a family" he added and I felt tears in my eyes again

"I love you two so much Derek" I sighed

"I feel the same way"

We remained in silence for a while, admiring Grace nurse, delighted by her small sounds and every movement she made. I couldn't tear my eyes off her.

"We never talked about a middle name" I broke the quiet knowing exactly where this conversation had to end

"I guess you have something to suggest" he grinned, knowing me too well.

"Elizabeth. It's my middle name and my mother's. She wanted to pass the tradition. She asked me, before she died, when I went visiting and she told me I was pregnant, she..." I trailed off, fighting the tears at the memories, the hormones still playing havoc in my body.

"It's perfect, Meredith"

"You think?" I asked cautiously

"Grace Elizabeth Grey-Shepherd" he tried it and it rolled out of his lips like music, except that something was still off

"She's a Shepherd, Derek" I corrected him. _I wanted her to be a Shepherd, I wanted Grace to belong_.

"She's as much yours as she's mine" he seemed afraid to say something more, the fact that everything didn't begin in the best of ways still concerning him

"I'm a Shepherd too, except at work"

As we looked at each other, I couldn't read him, last thing I knew he was kissing me senseless, both forgetting for a moment about Grace cradled on my chest, before she made a strange sound of contentment and broke apart her connection with my breast. I began giggling silently, a wide smile spreading on my lips as my eyes remained closed to savor the moment. He looked incredibly perfect.

A light knock snapped us out of the moment and we both looked at each other in awe. There was something in his eyes I couldn't place, something new, something perfect.

The door opened and a chorus of 'aww' made us turn to the door to see the whole group of interns standing there, led by Carolyn Shepherd with a wide smile on her face. Izzie was almost jumping up and down, George was taken aback by the scene, Alex was smirking in his usual way and Cristina was simply staring at me and Grace, slightly behind all of them, in the far corner of the room.

"Okay people, this is Grace Elizabeth Shepherd and she would like some quiet" Derek smirked very overprotective of her already as she started fussing in my arms. "One by one you can all come in, all right?"

"Very bossy" I mouthed, behind his back and all of them began laughing.

"Who first?" asked Izzie eagerly

"Cristina, she's the godmother" said Carolyn "Mark is on his way, he was pulled in an emergency surgery"

Mark was going to be her godfather since him and Derek cleared out their issues and realized that there were too many good memories to throw away.

"Ma'am it's okay, you first" Cristina shook her head "you're family"

"She's not going to eat you Cristina" I smirked, knowing how hard was for her to be around children, she seemed genuinely scared by a tiny, sweet baby. _My tiny sweet baby_.

"Okay" she stepped forward as the other left the room and Alex had practically to drag Izzie away.

"Can you give us a minute?" I whispered to Derek and he nodded, smiling and kissing me and Grace tenderly once more before following the others outside.

Cristina stood in the middle of the room awkwardly, looking at the tiles on the floor.

"C'mon, don't be a chicken" I giggled

"I don't do babies" she snorted

"She's my baby and you're going to hold her" I practically ordered. She trudged closer slowly and put the sleeping bundle that was my daughter in her arms.

Her usually stony expression gave out the tiniest, most unnoticeable smile ever, but she smiled.

"I bet McDreamy would have known she was hers anyway, look at the hair" she eased the tension using her snickering remarks as always. Her eyes moved up to meet mine and there was something else in hers too, pride, maybe?

"She's perfect, I can't believe she's all ours yet. I'm waiting for someone to burst in there and say that we have to get her back to her mommy. It just doesn't feel real" I rambled and I saw her smirking, before she placed Grace back in my arms

"She's been kicking you for the past five months, Meredith"

"I know" I sighed loudly, more at my idiocy than her remark

"She's a lucky girl" she smiled genuinely, before squeezing my shoulder. It felt like the tightest hug we have ever shared. "My time's up, I'll let Mrs. Shepherd in. This is very mature, Meredith Grey" she said, before I could reply anything to her as I was busy fighting tears.

The door didn't had time to click before the figure of Carolyn made her way inside the room. She was beaming and I saw a slight resemblance with Derek in the beaming thing.

"There we are" she said, walking closer to me and immediately looking at the baby in my arms. I reluctantly gave her away for the second time in about two minutes, but I was rewarded with a secure hold by Carolyn. Five kids and dozens of grandchildren certainly gave confidence.

"Hi Grace, it's Nana" she smiled brightly and the breath caught in my throat. I saw Derek coming back in the room and he froze at the door, his eyes glistening with emotion.

"Mom" he barely whispered, overwhelmed by the emotion. _His mother was holding his baby_. And for a split second, I closed my eyes and I imagined what it would have been if my mother was fine, how would have been their first meeting, wondered how warm she would have been towards her, how their relationship would have built.

I opened my eyes and blinked away my tears, knowing that no answer was going to be given to those questions.

'_Baby right there'_

And yet it was almost as if she was looking down and somehow she was there, she led me to this moment, she guided us from her place, she loved me, _she loved us_. I kept my eyes closed, trying to manage my tears.

"Meredith?" Carolyn's voice snapped me out of my memories and I smiled, despite the tears, I smiled, because I knew my mother was there, next to Carolyn.

"I'm so glad you are here, Carolyn" I said, locking my eyes with hers, before she could place Grace in Derek's arms and walk to the bed to hug me. A real, motherly hug, strong and gentle arms cradling me to her chest. _I needed to master this kind of hugs_.

"I'm so happy for you right now that I'm just going to shut up and let Izzie and the other two inside" I saw her blinking back some happy tears, still at a loss of words, before taking one last look at Grace and leave the room.

In the few moments of quiet, my eyes met Derek's and I knew he was aware of what was going on in my mind, he always knew almost everything and he could read me like an open book. He read fear, but he read joy too, so he kept staring, his arms securely wrapped around Grace's tiny form.

Izzie burst in the room, immediately followed by a very embarrassed Alex and a quiet George.

"Oh my God, Meredith, Derek, she's perfect, look at her, seriously, she's perfect" she squealed, practically without breathing.

"What she meant is that we are happy for you guys" translated Alex and we all smiled.

"Can I hold her?" asked her eagerly again, and Derek gave up with a snort

"Hi Grace" was all she could manage as the baby was in her arms. Maybe she was satisfied, maybe Grace took her words away with her perfectly cute yawn, but since then Izzie Stevens couldn't speak anymore and kept staring at the baby.

George and Alex gathered around her to take a closer look and they all seemed pleased, until Grace let out a cry to let everybody know that she had enough for spotlights in one single day.

She calmed down as soon as she was contentedly wrapped up near my chest, her eyelids dropped and she was fast asleep again. The trio walked out silently and everything seemed to move in slow motion again. It was almost as if Grace had some kind of superpower with time and everything related. I was losing track of the whole world with her in my arms. Except Derek, he kept standing fiercely at the end of the bed, looking at us in amazement. It didn't felt real for him either.

I noticed the door opening and someone else coming in just because I heard a clearing of a throat.

I turned to see Miranda Bailey with what looked like a smirk standing next to Addison Montgomery in a very awkward, unsettling pose.

"I just stopped by to see how you were doing, I guess congratulations are needed" Addison said, her eyes not leaving mine and especially avoiding Derek.

"Thank you, I really appreciated everything you've done for us"

"I was doing my job" she said, matter-of-factly, but despite everything, I knew it was something more than a job and I had no words to thank her further before she left the room.

Bailey was staring back and forth between me, the baby and Derek, her eyebrows narrowed but a knowing smile spreading on her lips.

"If I didn't just had a baby no more than a year ago, I was going to scold you and yell at you for doing this, but I'm just gonna lean closer and admire the hair of this baby while you read this" she said.

I somehow traded Grace for an envelope she was holding out for me and I think Derek realized before me what was in it as he sat next to me as Bailey beamed at our baby.

I turned the letter upside down and a sudden realization hit me just how it hit Derek: the results of the exam.

As I tore apart the paper, I realized I didn't give a crap about being a resident right in that split second. Yeah, I cared, but not as much as before, not at the point that I was going to hide in the woods if I wouldn't make it or cry over my mistakes. _I was freaking in labor when I took the test, it was enough I completed it without screaming in pain in the middle of the room_.

I unfolded the letter and before I could read it, Derek's happiness told me that I made it. What I missed though, was that I scored the best result, tied with Cristina's.

I threw my arms at Derek's neck and I nuzzled my face in the crook with his shoulder, letting out more happy tears as he held me, small chuckles shaking his chest.

"You made it, Mer" he said, for my ears only and I just nodded on his chest, too struck to comment anything.

"Ah, this baby is too charming for her own good" sighed Bailey, smiling at us. A genuine smile, one she couldn't help having. "I'm proud of you, Grey. I'm glad that husband of yours didn't mess up with your talent after all"

"Thank you Dr. Bailey" I smiled and she gave Grace back to me.

"You're welcome"

I didn't even noticed her leaving the room, as I basked in that joy. I couldn't even find the right words for the feeling, because I was going to spend the next two weeks off with Derek, then my maternity leave will start and when I'll be back in there, I'll be a resident but mostly, I'll have a perfect baby girl in the daycare to visit every time I wanted and a perfect husband hovering as much as I do, because that husband is Derek and he can't help the good hovering.

I finally had a family and it was nothing I've ever imagined I could have right at this point in my life. When I had my teenage dreams. I have never done families, except that now I had mine and it was perfect, just like the sleeping baby in my arms and the adoring gaze into Derek's eyes.

And for the first time in my life, I knew that everything was going to be alright. Not always, but most of the time.

And it felt incredibly good.

_**THE END**_

* * *

**AN: I can't believe Soft Shock is over. Seems like yesterday than I began writing it under the influence of too much sugar and the happy Christmas lights. The journey is over and I feel kind of proud for finishing it. **

**I have seen many visits and many reviews, they really kept me going and update as quickly as I could, despite the overwhelming homework. I know I said there would be a sequel, I kind of promised it, and I'm not backing away, I just need some more time to figure out things. I don't think it will be up before the summer, if I can get things done really fast probably earlier, but I can't promise anything. Look forward to this summer ;)**

**If you can't really wait I can mail you what I think will be the first chapter I'll publish, I'm just saying that it will be a strange sequel *knowing grin***

**Okay, I gave away too much already, rambled for too many lines. A huge thank you again to all my loyal readers, even the ones who never reviewed, thanks to the one who subscribed and the ones who have the story in their favs, each mail of yours meant so much to me. I admit I was scared to publish this at first, but it was totally worth it.**

**I hope you'll stay with me with for the future sequel and you'll wait patiently.**

**Thank you all again for sticking till this point. You are great!**

**~Irene**


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